Tales.of.Swanky

2011-10-25T00:35:00.005-05:00

I have this dream sometimes.

In general, I like telling people about my dreams. They are always weird, linear, and often insightful. I think if I ever write an honest to god autobiography, it'll be nothing but a collection of the dreams I've had in my life. They tell more about me than I could ever capture on my own.

I never talk about this dream. I'm essentially a coward, and this dream just highlights that fact so much.

For every person I have ever met there is at least one thing that I desperately want to say to them that I never will. I know I will never say these things because I know I couldn't face the fall out, and as much of a coward as I am, I'm not one for running away.

In the dream, I say them all.

I tell Francine that our friendship really ended when she left me in my room to tear myself apart.

I tell Tony that the girl who loved him, unconditionally and uncontrollably, slowly drowned in his disinterest, fighting to find the surface and gasping in every breath of hope he offered for ten years. I tell him I hate him for refusing to let me die for so long.

I tell Marita not to make the same mistake my mother made.

I tell my mother that no matter how hurt and scared I was, waiting for her to come help me and never getting what I needed, I'd still wait for her now. That I hate myself for not being able to learn from my mistakes.

I tell my father that while I know he loves his kids, he's never really been present as a father.

I tell my brother that I am more proud of him than I ever thought possible, even as a child when I felt he hung the sun.

I tell my sister that as much as I love her now, there was a time when I hated her just for existing, for having what I knew I never would.

I tell Wendy that I hope when she is old and alone, that she looks back on her life and realizes the gifts she was given and how she turned them all away.

I tell Jessi that she has been a gift. That knowing that I am still capable of thinking of what I can do to bring happiness to another person without completely sacrificing myself has saved me in so many ways.

I tell Meghan that life is not fair, and that you do not get what you deserve. That you fight, with brutal intensity, just to get what you need. That if you fight hard enough, either you win or you break, and there is no telling which until it happens.

I tell Laura not to hide herself away so much, that she's only going to become me, hiding in plain sight with no idea how to stop.

I tell Alicia that she didn't deserve me, that she'd have been so much better off without me at all. I apologize for screwing that up.

I tell Arline that she's not helping her daughter, that never being taught how to tell the truth is so crippling that she will never overcome it on her own.

I tell Mary Jean that I'm gay, just to see the look on her face.

I tell Jeffery that I'm sorry I didn't invite his fiance to my birthday party, but I wasn't strong enough at the time to face my own mother.

I tell Denise that she was the older sister I never had, and no matter how stupid she may have been, how fucked up her life and the lives of those who loved her became, I wouldn't have traded her for anything in the world.

I tell Michelle that she was the older sister I should have had, and that I never regretted that until I had to be one myself.

I tell Eric that he is a better man than he had any right to be.

I tell Christopher that he has a chance to fix what went so wrong for him, no matter what his girlfriend's family may try.

I tell Laura that I was always jealous of what she had that I didn't, how much it hurt to see it there just out of reach, but how amazing it was to share it all, offering myself in return.

I tell Nora that I sold my soul for the scraps off Marci's table, and that for 9 months, I was happier than I have ever been.

I tell Mary that I would have waited for her forever. Even if it had taken her 30 years, I would have answered when she called, but I wasn't strong enough to call her and be dismissed again.

I tell Casi that she is the first person I have ever wanted to change, instead of waiting for the gift I have always thought it to be to be allowed to witness her changing herself.

I tell Paul that he's worth more than he knows and if I thought he would work for it I wouldn't pity him not having what he should.

I tell Joe that he never did a damn thing to me that I didn't let him, that he was nothing more than what I didn't have the courage to do to myself.

I tell Denis that I would have loved him.

I tell Kevin that two out of three wasn't bad.

I tell Pat that it is not just the choices we make that shape who we are, but the ones we don't make as well.

I tell Virginia that I am sorry I didn't realize what was offered to me from the start.

I tell Stewart that I hate him and love him, I miss him and I'm not even sure if he's real anymore, but I honestly pray that I didn't dream it all.

Then I grab my keys, hug and kiss my cat, and leave. I leave and never come back. I dream of all the things that might become of the people I care about, but I never try to find out.

And it's a hollow kind of freedom, everything said that needs to be said, everything done and over. I am always cold, it is always dark, there is never anyone with me, and for once, I am honestly alone. I don't hope or worry about things to come. I don't take responsibility for those around me anymore. I'm no longer overcome with paralyzing fear that I have failed them. I've given them everything I can, and left them to decide what to do with it.

It's always around this point that I wake up. Blinking my eyes open, my sluggish mind wading through the contradictory feelings of freedom and overwhelming weight, I always regret that I have.

I'll never say these things. I'll never walk away, I'll never do what I hoped Joe would every night. Because then there would be no purpose for me to these people anymore. And if I have no purpose, no use, then history shows they'll move on and leave me behind. And that I am terrified of.

I'm not afraid of being alone. Just as I am not afraid of dying. You cease to exist, what is there to be afraid of then? But I am terrified of life. I am dumb in the face of my fear for those I care about. If they leave me, how will I be able to help make sure they live?

On days like today, when I am so tired, I welcome the dream. I revel in the sheer simplicity of it. I feel victorious as I sing and chant and scream and cry everything I know I will never say. I can breathe, my chest no longer tight, my heart no longer racing.

And I wake up with regret.

2010-08-20T23:06:00.002-05:00

I worry about the choices I have made in my life- the ones I have not made perhaps even more.

Tonight, I worry that I am not good enough at anything, that I never will be, because I am drawn only to my own selfish an unrealistic wishes. Wishes that have been constructed specifically to be unattainable, something to always strive for with no hope or risk of ever achieving. At least, that is what I fear I have done.

Tonight, I worry that what I believe I want is exactly what I can not have, and I have chosen these wants because of a deep-seated fear that I am not worthy of having my wishes fulfilled. That, in fact, it is my own belief that I am not worthy that has precluded me from ever reaching my goals. I have no strength to give, I have no power to lend, no gift to exchange with the world to have my strongest dreams come true, because in reality, my strongest dream is to never have what I want.

A storm is slowly making it's loud, lonely, illuminated way past my window. The strong winds will leave a wake of debris to clean away come morning, and the charged air will cause more damage than we have seen this season. I believe that art imitates emotion- perhaps emotion imitates nature. I can hope for now that is the truth, and that with the morning sun will come a lightening of my mood. Somehow, I doubt it.

I wonder at my own uselessness, glad to see my life through brighter days than those that have come before. I can not imagine what would become of me in darker times.

I wonder if my attraction to study is nothing more an a vain attempt to find another time, another place, another people so disconnected from the world, so angry, sad, and useless- to find the proof that I am not outside human nature, that I am redeemable. I fear throwing myself into my study only to be proven wrong. I fear for the world should I be right.

I fear never trying at all.

Five Years

2010-08-06T02:43:00.003-05:00

People always ask

Where do you see yourself in five years?

I don't know why that's the magic time frame, but it certainly seems to be. Everything up to that is thought of as 'preplanning', eventually added up to the ultimate goal at five years. Where do you see your self in 3 months? A year? Five years? Anything more than that seems foolish.

If you asked me when I was 20 where I saw myself at 25 my answer would have been so off the mark it's not even funny. God, the things I had planned. A bachelor's in creative writing and philosophy. A master's in Theology, Philosophy, and/or Theater. A job in theater, moving the world through spoken word- teaching and learning and living through performance. A portfolio full of prose and poems and plays and maybe a novella. Resume full of bit parts, community theater, failed experiments and volunteering. Friends I never talked to, acquaintances who would say- voices full of pity- "she thinks she's going to change the world", co-workers who would say "we're changing the world and they'll probably never notice". A shitty apartment in a worse part of The City. No license. What sister? Oh, yeah, her. I think she's graduating soon, maybe I'll have time to call next week. And I still would have been happy. Well, maybe not. Perhaps lonely but sill content.

I have experiences now I never would have, had my life gone as I once dreamed. There are things I wish I could forget, but nothing I regret. I wouldn't change even one heartbreaking moment. I try not to let fear rule my life, and I often fail, anger later burning through my chest. Why did I do that? Why didn't I do this? But in this one way, I am glad to fall to fear. I fear what I would not know without each and every moment that has led me here. To this moment. To this plan.

It's not so different than the first, but the changes are profound. Where do I see myself in three months? A year? Five years? A woman who has helped another find herself, mold herself into my favorite person in the world. A license, a car. The same car. A shitty apartment in a worse part of a city. Friends I couldn't live without, acquaintances who say- voices full of pity- "she thinks she's going to change the world", co-workers who say "we're changing the world and they'll probably never notice". A portfolio full of prose and poems and plays and maybe a novella. Resume full of volunteering and teaching and changing and being changed. A job. Changing the world through living- teaching and learning and performing through passion. A piece of paper- maybe two, hell, maybe three- that proves nothing but that I know how to work a system, a life that proves I know myself, my passions, my world.

I've recently been called a cynic and an idealist. I can believe both at this moment. I used to take pride in being a walking contradiction. I know myself much better now, and while I still am in many cases contradictory with the world, my family, my friends, even myself, I am not ready to submit to the weight of that contradiction. If a cynic is just a disappointed idealist, then I know what I must do.

So, the plan. Where do I see myself in three months? With a job. A part time job, probably in retail, hopefully somewhere I don't mind being. A place I would use the employee discount at least. Getting ready to make the first payment on a full list of classes at the cc. Still living with my father.

And in a year? Well, we'll skip to 'a year and bit, ok closer to two years' instead. Getting ready to transfer to a 4-year to finish off that little piece of paper that people erroneously believe says I am not an idiot. Hopefully a TESOL Certificate. Possibly still working part time. Possibly not at the same retail shop, discount or no. Maybe even volunteering for something I care about- leaning toward tutoring, ESL, and literacy, though other things are still very muchly so in the running. Stilling living with my father. Watching my sister graduate high school. Moving her off to college. Freaking out about being bored and lonely and scared shitless for her to Cassi and Pat and Francine and Tony and Virginia and Meghan and anyone else who will listen.

And in five years? Using that TESOL cert in another country. Hopefully one with some studies or digs or Master's programs that I'd like to get into. I figure it's got to be easier to get in if I'm already there. At least, I hope so. o_0 A woman who has helped another find herself, mold herself into my favorite person in the world. A life that proves I know myself, my passions, my world.

It's a loose plan, but so far, I like it.

So, to be honest...

2010-08-01T05:33:00.002-05:00

Posting here actually helped me feel a little better. I don't know exactly how it works, doesn't make any logical sense to me, but I guess psychology works for me, too. I'm always spouting things at the rest of the world that while I do believe for others, I don't believe for myself. In this case: sometimes you just need to get things out, even if no one else knows it.

I tell people this all the time. People who have a hard time expressing themselves, people who feel no one is listening, people who just want to forget. I tell them that they'll explode without release, that the only one who needs to hear is themselves, that they'll never forget but maybe they can let go, and even if there is no one to send a letter to putting the the words to paper in itself can be freeing. And I do believe that, I've seen it a million times it seems. I just never though it would work so well for me.

And I still feel... well, everything I felt earlier this week, but somehow it's more manageable, so I guess it's working.

I'll be honest, my biggest fear is that it would make me feel more lonely. I've been very lonely recently. It happens sometimes- more often than I will generally admit to, really. More than that, I feel very alone. You know that cliche of being alone in a crowded room? Yeah, not like that. But even the short reprieve I seem to feel when around others is just a distraction.

It's not often, but I do get painfully frustrated with my sex life. Trust me, it's really not often. I tend not to think about it as much as one would think for how much time I spend thinking, talking, and reading about other people's (real or fictional) sex lives, but it does come up every couple of years. Especially at times like now, when I am feeling so alone. Sometimes I think my brain registers a desire for intimacy, and when no viable options for emotional intimacy present themselves my body defaults to a desire for physical intimacy.

Other times I think I've just needed a hug for a really long time.

I know it's not a good idea for me to be involved with anyone right now, but I really want. I'm beginning to think it never will be a good idea- sort of like having kids, you can never really afford it, but you do it anyway and you make it work. Maybe this is a close as I'll ever get to being in a good place to date. There are things in my head that I don't want there anymore, things that come up so quickly and without warning when other people are involved, things that make me a horrible person to date.

I used to pride myself on being low-maintenance. And I was, I really was. I'd do pretty much anything, talk about pretty much anything, took almost nothing to heart. I didn't care how much time you spend with your friends, if a week goes by and I don't talk to you I assume we were both busy, you didn't even have to be nicer to me than anyone else. Just sit by me, don't be afraid to talk to me or touch me in front of other people, tell me you missed me or you're glad to see me every once and a while and make some time for just the two of us at least once a month and I was happy. Easy as pie, really.

Now, I feel abandoned or unworthy or some other tripe when I go a week without someone calling me. Not everyone, just if a week goes by and no one has called me, I feel like shit. I second guess everything I think, feel and do. I'm begging for someone to save me from myself most days and I long for physical affection so much it hurts. I've become clingy. I hate clingy.

And on top of that, I'm seriously messed up. I feel the need to hide myself from people so much more now than ever and yet I really want someone to know me well enough to know when I am hiding and push me out of it. I've been intimate a handful of times since I crawled my ass out of that room and now. Now I feel like I know nothing. People tell me no to worry about it, it's like riding a bike, you never really forget. But they're wrong. I have forgotten. I'm as nervous and unskilled as a virgin. More than that, I'm so terrified.

I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. When is he going to hit me? When is she going to tell me to get out? When are they going to break me? I've been through a lot in my short life, and it's left me with some really... shameful problems.

I was molested as a child. I don't think of it that way though, even still to this day. I remember how much it hurt. I remember how scared I was. I remember how he would touch me, pull me to him and wrap me in his arms. Gentle, like I was something fragile and precious. I remember what he would say, how I was beautiful and smart and good, that he loved me. I remember thinking that I should want this, that it was wrong and dirty and no good for me. I remember that I really did want it. I remember feeling betrayed when he left, waiting for him to come back for me, wondering what I had done wrong to make him leave so suddenly. Later, I remember being angry at my parents, thinking they had found out and taken him from me. But I was smart even at eight and I knew that little girls who were hurt by adults had to go to doctors and see lawyers and I never did. I remember I hated him for leaving, and I hated myself for loosing him.

I remember being told it was just a bad dream. That the man who had been sent to jail for molesting his own daughters had never touched me, had never even touched them. At first I was so angry. Who were they to tell me it wasn't real. I loved him and he loved me and I swore they would take that away from me. Then, later, I was confused. She was so sure, patting me on the head and telling me it was only a bad dream, even tucking me back into bed and smiling so sweetly at me. She was always right.

I still don't know what's true. If I'm a 'troubled' adult because of what happened, or if I was a disturbed child because of what didn't. I think maybe I'm both. I don't have the courage to ask again. Either option scares the hell out of me.

It's weird, because I actually remember remembering. I have very few memories at all before the age of five, who does really? I do remember my parent's divorce, right after Stewart left. I remember being sad and angry and wondering what I done wrong, I don't really remember why. As an adult, I can't tell if it was the mixed up feelings of a little girl loosing her family or something else. I just remember being eight, a dream that had me waking up panting, scared and sad and excited and remembering. But I knew what Stewart had gone to jail for, I knew what it meant. My parents never believed he was guilty. I knew his sentence had been longer because he stabbed someone while he was there. He said it was the guy who actually did it. What if he wasn't lying. What if it was just the workings of an overly imaginative eight year old who was too smart for here own good?

It could be. By eight I knew what sex was, I knew how it worked, I had mental images that were accurate. I knew what a hymen was, where it was, that it would hurt to have sex the first time, perhaps longer than that if the penis was too large to fit into the vagina without tearing. What if I did just dream it up. At eight. What the hell does that say about me?

What bothers me more, is that I've never quite been able to shake the feeling of love I had in the memory. It's been 20 years and I still compare my relationships to it. If I didn't make it up that's pretty sick. If I did, well, that's never going to work out for me. Reality is never like your fantasies.

I don't know. I started all of this because I was talking about being lonely. I was going to give a brief detail of all the past relationship baggage that makes me undateable. Hah. "Brief" never works out for me. Either way, I think that's enough baggage for now. I'm really tired and I haven't been sleeping well so I'm going try to catch some sleep now.

So, here's the thing

2010-07-29T03:11:00.002-05:00

I miss having an outlet for... well, life. See, I didn't have internet for, well, too long to think about really. And for a while there I didn't have a phone I Could Call long distance on. And now I don't have a C key on my keyboard (sorry for the Capitals but that's what I've got right now). So, most of my forums for bitching are obsolete.

No one reads anywhere I used to post things (really, no one has for a while but I Can't ignore it now). For the places I now post things, it's too personal. I rant online because I'm emotionally stunted and Can't rant to people I see in person on a regular basis. The places I post now are riddled with people from my everyday life. Even like, LJ, where I have like, two friends, one is my little sister. And I Can't Call people and rant over the phone because I am emotionally aware enough to know that Calling someone I haven't spoken to in almost a year just to bitch is so not Cool, and everyone I have been able to keep in touch with is local due to my lack of long distance.

So, anonymous forums are no longer satisfying because I get no readers/feedback. All other forums for bitching are too stressful because the only people I do Connect with are RL people. But I sill have things to rant about, things to work through, etc, etc. Fail.

So, here I am. I know no one is going to read this, and when I am done I will either feel the same, or worse, but it's better than trying to talk to someone that I will later see in person.

And how pathetic is that? I try talking to my friends- I've got some really good ones, you know? People I know I Could tell just about anything and we'd still be ok. People who would listen and try to give me what I need in the Conversation. And I try, I do. But I'm on the phone, or I'm looking at them, and I open my mouth and nothing Comes out. Nothing important anyway. Intellectually I know these people would never intentionally judge me or anything, but I just Can't do it.

Sometimes I Can. But that's, well, that's just well past my limit. And it's happening more and more, recently. In the past six months I have ended up at my friends house (mostly) quietly loosing my mind at least three times. Once, I just didn't want to be alone so I went there and slept. Once, I ended up talking about depressing stuff and trying (and kinda failing) to not Cry. Once, I didn't say a damn thing I just bawled like a baby for a few minutes and then got over it. That time I was told I freaked out faster than anyone else. Ha. Oh! and at least twice I have lost it not in person, too. Now, really? That's a ridiculous amount of freaking out in six months. And in front of other people, too. Not Cool. And always with the same two people.

And it just keeps getting worse. Because the more it happens, the worse I feel. I feel like I am being a burden on these two people but I don't know what else to do. And the last thing in the world I want to be is a burden to them. They have helped me out a lot during our friendships, and they've got a lot going on right now (always, but now a bit more than usual), and I just. I hate to make them more stressed and they are both the type of people that seem to get stressed when someone they Care for freaks out (but then, who doesn't really?).

And we have to take into Consideration my own weird stupid thing with emotions and trust and blah blah blah. Talking about my emotions is really stupidly hard for me. Painful even on the mid-levels. And terrifying. Because if I do that, if I go there, I am trusting them not to use it against me in the future. I am trusting them not to use it against me in the right now. But more than anything, I am trusting them to listen. I've found through the years that it's hard to find people who actually do that. They pretend well, make you believe they are listening, that they Care, may even believe it themselves, but they don't. Not that I expect that of these two people, but once it happens enough, you fear it from everyone.

So, to avoid the terrifying idea of talking about my emotions, the ordeal of freaking out too often, or the guilt ridden prospect of Calling old friends and doing nothing but rant, here I am. Kinda sad. But I guess I did it to myself, like always.

I'm unemployed and living at my father's apartment. Again. Yeah, tried the whole living on my own thing, wasn't for me. That's a lie. I loved it even when I hated it. But, apparently, I just Couldn't hack it. Made it a year keeping myself afloat, and another six months with what I would Call a drastic amount of help from my parents. Seems that no matter how much I want to be a productive member of society, I just Can't do it. Obviously there is something in my brain that keeps triggering that self-destruct switch. I've toyed with different theories on what and why, but none of them seem to fit just right. I Can kinda see it Coming now, but I have no idea how to stop it, yet. Maybe next time, right? Yeah, right.

The more terrifying development than living with the parents again is that I seem to be back on the fanfiC. I say that like it Crack or meth or something. For me, I guess, it kinda is. I guess it's not as bad as it was before, but then again, I think maybe I'm just better at hiding it. I Can still go a day or even two with out, but it's getting harder. I don't have the option of just getting rid of the Computer, I have to get a job and you Can't do that without a Computer around here (I tried). I try to stay away from it when my sister is here, but it's hard when I have no money to do anything and she reads fiC too. I'm still talking to people, and I'm Careful not to meniton fiC too much when I do, which I guess is actually a bad thing. I do it partially be Cause I don't want to be thinking about fiC all the time, and partially because I don't want them to know how much I really am.

I don't even know who to talk to on that front. I get the distinct impression that the people I would talk to about it, just don't get it. I'm not willing to try to talk to my mother about it. Despite the many Conversations I've had with her about how and why I went so far over the deep end and she didn't notice last time, I'm not quiet secure in the idea that she'll actually Care this time to risk that kind of emotional trauma again. I know my sister doesn't understand, and I refuse to burden her with something like my mental break down(s). And I really don't think my friends get it.

I mean, I Could try talking to the few friends I still have from before, but... Well, too be honest, they didn't know what to do last time I went down this road so they just didn't do anything and held faith in the idea ha I would be strong enough to make it through on my own. Nice to know they have that kind of faith in me, but not so reassuring when I know myself a bit better than they do and I don't have that faith at all. And my friends out here? Well, they didn't know me before, they didn't actually see how bad it was, and I think they Can't imagine it either. They Can't see what kind of impact it really had on me, how different I am from before, how hard I really worked at getting any of myself back, how hard I sill work not to loose it all over again. Part of me is glad of that. I remember the looks, the Careful words and whispered language. It was so much harder to be stronger than this thing when everyone is waiting for you to break, and laughing at how easily you do. I mean, really? FanFiC? What kind of addiction is that, right? Mine.

I don't know what to do. I want to Crawl into bed and stay there until I have Control over myself again, but I Can't. I'll never get Control back that way. I want to say fuck it and just dig and dig and dig until I reach the Core again and Claw my way back out. It's the only way I know how to fight this, give in, give up, and when there is nothing left to fight for, make a decision and do something about it. But I... I Can't risk it. I know I Could get to the point again, but I Can't let myself. Because I don't know what the decision would be, how Could I? And there is a lot more on the line this time.

I'd like to believe that even in that moment of 'do or die' I would pick 'do'. That I wouldn't be willing to leave my friends, and more importantly, my sister. But I Can't say that for sure. I remember that moment more Clearly than any other in my life. There is no friend, no family, no you to think of in that moment. In that moment you realize that soul-sucking space vampires are real, that dementors do lurk in the shadows. Every thing that ever made you happy is a distant memory and you're not even left with the sharp brittle edge of pain. There's just nothing. A gaping vastness that Consumes all, and you Can either let it dag you under so that you become nothing yourself, or you Can fight for your life, a life you don't even remember, but either way, you know it's going to get better. There is no way it Couldn't at that point. I made the hard Choice last time- I decided to fight. There was enough of me left to know that I didn't want to go out like that. For the first time in months I felt an emotion- anger. And I used it to fuel me, to get me off that floor, away from that abyss, and to dig myself out of the hole I had buried myself in. I don't know if there would be enough of me left to do it again. I don't know if I would even Choose to do so if there were enough of me to want to- it didn't work last time apparently, because here I am again. Looking down into the never ending blackness of that hole and just waiting to trip, waiting for something to push me over, and I don't know how to back away.

I don't know. I guess, right now, at 4:30 in the morning, there's nothing much I Can do. I guess I'll just put this out there, into the atmosphere, and hope that I don't regret it. I'm not even going to keep my fingers Crossed that the people I don't want to read this don't, or that anyone does. I'm just gonna put it out there, and hope that either way, that's enough for now.

Things to Believe In

2009-04-12T14:25:00.002-05:00

Belief is a great thing. And like all great things, it holds the potential for great consequences, for even when talking in the abstract, Stan was right when he bastardized various important historical figures and resources in saying "With great power there must come-- great responsibility". As such, Belief can take responsibility for some of the greatest things in human history, good and bad.

That being said, Belief can also be nothing more than a scapegoat at times.

In this entry, belief is neither. It is simply, something to toy with. For in this entry, I feel the need to expound upon ten of my closest and dearest held beliefs. Prepare yourselves for a most exciting experience in absurdian philosophy- one of my closest and dearest friends.

Belief 1: One should always hold belief to a completely impossible standard. In doing so, never will one find that a belief has slipped under the radar unnoticed. For, it would be quite difficult to miss that one suddenly holds the belief that one's reality is nothing more than a drop of water on a monstrously large plant in another reality's only surviving greenhouse.

Belief 2: Resolutions, of any sort, should always be taken seriously. That is, as long as those resolutions are never serious.

Belief 3: The main goal of life should always be to learn anything unknown in the most complete manner possible. If one should find that the intelligent thoughts of the world have become old hat, then one should begin going about learning all of the unintelligent thoughts as well. Never underestimate the importance of learning the layout of the average Emergency Room.

Belief 4: One should never choose a favorite sporting team on anything resembling merit. Instead, the choice should be made do to some intangible connection to said team that has absolutely nothing to do with sport.

Belief 5: A book should never be read in the same place twice. This should be upheld physically, mentally, and emotionally. If, in holding to this belief, one has has found that they have gone through life without ever rereading a piece of literature, one has failed at life.

Belief 6: All things are made better by being orange.

Belief 7: One should always be prejudiced in some manner. There will never be a challenge as seemingly insurmountable and obviously enlightening as overcoming one's own prejudice.

Belief 8: One should never strive to overcome all mortal sin. These sins lead yet to greater understanding of one's self and world. Lust may lead to love. Sloth may lead to a greater understanding of one's self expectations and ability to uphold them. Greed and Gluttony may lead to wealth- of price, mind, and body- that, when used appropriately, may allow one to look beyond the trials and tribulations of one's own life and see clearer the world around them. Envy and Wrath may lead to ambition. And Pride, more than all others, should be sustained through all life. For it is Pride that will allow man to taste these lesser sins with out indulging. It is the lack of Pride that should be a sin, for without Pride, all would-be virtues turn to ash.

Belief 9: The equal and opposite reaction to war is not peace but creation. Just as the equal and opposite reaction to up is not status but down. A fluid cause must have a fluid reaction, not a static one.

Belief 10: One should never loose sight of the fact that Belief is merely a forceful reaction to uncertainty.

And a newly added Belief as a bonus: One should never write a Twenty-First Century Blog after having read three Nineteenth Century Novels in a row.

Wow

2009-02-02T14:06:00.002-06:00

Life Sucks. Life really really sucks.

Ok, no, I take it back. Life doesn't suck, I suck.

Yeah, so, you'll never guess what I did today. Today, I los my job. Yup. I got fired. Cause I was STUPID. Don't know why I did it, but I did. And while I was doing I was trying to stop myself, but it didn;t work. I kept saying "You're gonna gett fired and you really can't do that right now. Pull yourself together damn it." But it didn;t work, and I was an idiot, and irresponcible and I sucked and now. Now I am unemployed.

I. Suck.

I did it...

2009-01-08T17:25:00.004-06:00

And I bet you thought I wasn't gonna.
I bet you thought this would turn out just like the last time- big talker can't walk the walk and all that.
Yeah, well I can't blame you. Sorta though it would go that way myself.
But it hasn't.
Oh, no. for once, Swanky has followed through on something.

That's right.

Swanky has gotten an apartment of her very own.

SQUEE!

I'm taking my toys and leaving. huff

2009-01-04T11:42:00.001-06:00

So, life went an go very busy. Haven't really had time to talk to much of anyone recently, but there are a few things going on I really want to tell you all about. So here I am.

Does everyone know that my father lost his job in November? Well, he did, and we've been pretty much living off my dime since. Which is BAD, because I can't afford all the crap we have. But, I've been doing an ok job I think. Nothing has gotten turned off, yet, and everything has some sort of payment on it. Except for my loans, but, ask them, it's just m credit going to hell there, certainly not as important as THEIR bills.

Yeah, that's a little annoying. I man, in all honesty, of the bills we have, the student loans are just about last on my list of priorities. I mean, can't very well not pay the gas or electric. Have to keep the car, so that has to get paid, need the car insurance, so that's another thing. Also, got to keep the phone and internet so that my father can continue his job search. We need gas for the cars so that Mike and I can get to work, and we need food in the house. So really, what else am I gonna cut out? The rent, cause yeah, I am NOT even attempting to pay that monstrous bill for this place. It's not worth it, and if they can take the approach of "It's not my credit, why do I care?" with me, then I can do it with them.

So, I told them that we needed to find a place more within my budget and that rather than paying the rent for Jan, we should use that money for moving costs so we can be out before the eviction process really takes hold. That was in early Dec. I gave them a MONTH to find places to look at, set up appts, and pick some place. More than a month when you consider that I told them we would be planing on moving he weekend of Jan 16th, even. Did the do that? No. Last weekend I found places in what I thought would be the area's Michael wants to stay in (needs to be south so he's close to his studio space) and that had everything my father wants (needs to include washer/dryer, off street parking, and at least two bed rooms) and with in my price range (I'll go all the way up to 700/month though really, I can barely afford 500 a month). So, I found about 25 of these places, and I asked them to (a) pick a few they thought looked most promising and (b) let me know what times/days they would be available to go look at them. In the mean time, I paid the other bills and made the last installment on December's rent instead of paying my loans. Did they bother to even look at what I gave them? No. it was a little more than frustrating.

So, Wednesday comes around, New Year's Eve, and I am heading out to Virginia's house just as my brother gets home. Which it was good I caught him, because even still I never see him and I was gonna have like two dollars left this week after paying the electric and we would need smokes and gas through to the 9th when I get paid again. So my father asks him if he's cashed his check yet and has the 50 he's been giving each week to help with bills (yeah, he's only giving 50, which granted, is about 1/3 of his weekly pay, but it leaves him with 100 each week, where as I make about 630 every two weeks and have given at least 590 each pay check since dad lost his job. Not exactly fair, but what ever, bitching about it won't change anything). So, no, he hadn't cashed his check yet. And then, THEN, he says to dad "Well, I'm not working for the next 8 days so you might want to ask HER how much SHE makes and what SHE'S gonna give." Like I haven't done anything up to this point. Which, of course, I can see where he got that idea from. Because his 200 bucks a month is so paying for the phone and internet, the electricity, Dec rent, the gas, smokes for me and dad, food for the house, gas for both cars, and, oh yeah, CHRISTMAS GIFTS. Yeah, that was all covered on his 200 bucks. Fucking asshole. But, I didn't say anything about it, just told him AGAIN to look over the apartments and left for Virginia's.

Now, I have been doing a very good job of not freaking out over all this. I freaked a bit in late November when my account wen in the arrears because I had forgotten to turn off one of my automatic payments. For like three days I was tearing through my house trying to find things to sell because it was gonna be almost two weeks before I would get paid again and at that rate, I'd owe the bank half of my pay check. Then I found out that my bank doesn't charge daily when you go over. You get the bounce charge, and then that's it. So I stopped freaking out and called a few places to re-arrange payments. It was fine. When Michael told me he wouldn't be getting paid for the next 8 days, which, in Michael-speak means "fuck you I'm not giving you the 50 bucks", I was freaking again. I mean, the car was almost empty, we had very little food, and, oh hey, one pack of smokes each! I was totally freaking about what the hell we were gonna do for the next week and a half until my pay check. Butt I still didn't say anything about it to Mike or dad. I did bitch about it all to Virginia and Cassie, and even Meghan at New Years. Cassie and Virginia both offered to give me 20 bucks for the week, but I told them no. This is not my fuck up and my friends, who are just as broke as I am, will not pay for it. My father can just ask his buddy Stan for some money for the week.

So, I get home that night and my brother was still up, so we were talking a bit. I asked him if he had had a chance o look at the list of apartments again, and he was like "No, and I'm not going to." Because he doesn't know what hes doing, but really, because he knows he doesn't have to and that someone else will do it for him. Then he gets to bitch all he wants about where we move because he didn't pick it. So, being as frustrated as I was, I told him that if he and Dad hadn't figured out what the hell they were gonna do and given me some feed back on these things by the middle of the month I was just gonna go do it myself, and no, not for all of us. For me. Michael's response? "If you think you can afford it, then go ahead." So, I told him I would. And when my father woke up the next morning I told him I was gonna find my own place and started looking.

So, This coming pay check, I am making payments on MY bills, screw the gas, they can't turn us off until march anyway, and you know what? I have plenty of blankets and sweaters and the like. I can shower at a friends house of they cut our heat and hot water. I'll pay the phone/internet- it's in my name- and my loans. And everything else is going into my savings account for a deposit and first months rent. I went to see four studios in the city on Friday. Not the greatest buildings, but it's 460/month, everything included, so it's in my budget. I have already called/emailed about a few "roommate" wanted ads, and a few other studios. I actually haven't found many efficiencies. But, I'm doing this, damn it all. I can afford up to 500 for rent and utilities. As long as I stay below about 450 for rent I should be fine. I'll still be able to pay on my back bills and my loans. I don't have that many or large bills anyway. One more payment of 175 and my credit card is paid off. the following month I'll give 175 to the hospital and get rid of that bill, and then I have about 300 to a old cell phone, and 180 to an old bank. That's it, as far as I Know. So, yeah, not the greatest credit, but... What can you do. Keeping it at about 175 towards back bills a month, like I have been doing since October, I should be all done by the end of May. Which would ROCK. It'll be the first time in my LIFE that there are no bills outstanding in my name. And as long as I can get the rent and utilities for under 500, I can stick to that budget.

I even added in the price of public transportation when I did my budget. It'll take me 1-1 1/2 hours to get to work, but it's a lot cheaper, and for me, a lot less stressful. Most of the places I have been looking at are in he Tower Grove area, the Loop, Central West End, and South City. Which are all very bus friendly areas. Now, I know nothing about the City, so I won't know what the neighborhoods are like until I get there to see them, but I'm stupidly easy to please with those things. I am not afraid of the city, actually, standing on a porch at night in the 'burbs or less freaks me out more than the ghetto. ANIMALS. I freak out every time at Wrockstock if I have to walk somewhere in the dark alone. o_0 Now, walk me around Battery City or Brooklyn in the middle of the night and I feel fine. *Shrug* Don't ask me why.

So, I have to go look at more places. If any of my friends are looking to get into a roommate situation and don't mind that I smoke, let me know! I would even be willing to be an outside smoker, but the smell still clings to my hair and clothes and all that. But i would be cool to room with a friend, have some moral support for each other as we get out there on our own. ^_^

Well, I have to get back to the search, and clean my room again. Wish me luck!
Much love,
~Swanky

Always use a condom when Role Playing

2008-12-07T19:20:00.002-06:00

Hello again all! I have no idea who long it has actually been since my las update... two, maybe tree weeks? Well, either way, it's better than usual.

So, again, a fair amount has happened since my last post. A visit from Laura, learning to ice skate, Thanksgiving and totally disrespecting my elders, Even a whole bunch of cleaning... of other people's houses. Let's try to go in order...

So, not long after my last post (like a day or so I think) was the weekend before Thanksgiving. I went to a pot-luck style Thanksgiving dinner at my friend Abby's house, which was really fun. And had great food. Also, Abby is a chef- or at least, she WAS before her arm went kaput and she had to change careers) so, obviously, the food was good. I think the best parts of the day were having a tickle-fest with my sister on the living room floor, taking part in the filking of "Yellow Submarine" into "We're all part of the Weasley Family", and that when I asked Abby if she would like me to leave the little bit of my candied yams that were left she practically whimpered. It was kinda awesome that a woman who was a rather good professional chef for 15 years liked my yams that much. ^_^

So, that was Sunday morning/afternoon. That evening, we all headed up North to see another one of those Wizard Rock shows my sister and I are obsessed with. Now, my father had just been laid off on Friday. I was a bit down about this, and so was my sister. I realized about ten minutes after getting there that there was a good chance that this pay check might be our last chance to buy anything from a Wrock show for a good long while. Basically, I bought $45 worth of junk to make us feel better. I got a tee-shirt for my sister, a CD of wrock for us to share, and two cd's of the 'Muggle' band of one of the guys playing for myself. I say it was worth it. We felt better for the night, and if I lost about 15 bucks out of my next pay check from being over-drawn, well, let's say it was good practice of not freaking out when I'm over drawn way too often in the near future.

At least, the CD's I got were well worth it. I am sort of obsessed with this one band, from Mr. Matt Majaciamo; the Jenna Campaign. That's one thing I will always be grateful to wizard rock for- it's introduced me to a lot of 'real' music that could be called the Bob Dylans of my generation. Also, unlike the bands that actually get popular, most people involved in wrock are dedicated movers-and-shakers, very active in the world around them. When they write a song about the sorry state of the world, 95% of the time you can be sure they are actually trying to do something to change it. They sort of restore my flagging faith in my generation.

So, of course, then there was working on Monday Tuesday and WEd, and then my Thanksgiving prep started. I went down to get my sister and headed over to V's house after work on Wed to help her get ready for her very first time cooking Thanksgiving dinner. For 16 people. One of which was an ornery and ungrateful old woman who I wanted to choke. Instead, I just kept saying things like "Woman, go in the other room and shut it. You'll eat what ever Virginia puts on that table and you will like it or, god as my witness, you will regret it." She used to like me. Ha. She even thought to come outside while I was smoking to 'have a talk with me' about respecting my elders. I told her that I don't give too shits if she's in her 60's. It's really not that great of an accomplishment to live that long, humans have been doing it for millenia, and that if she wanted me to start treating her with respect she better start treating her granddaughter with some. The phrases "pain in the ass old woman" and "bite me" were both featured prominantly in that conversation.

On an up note- not that that wasn't really up note because, really? I had the time of my life putting that woman in her place every half and hour, and V had fun watching, too- I spent a good 45 mins after dinner sitting on the floor in front of Previne, V's Pakistani mother-in-law, trying to learn Urdu and Arabic and having her tell me how I should come visit her in Pakistan some day. That was lots of fun, actually. And it pissed V's grandmother off all over again. Because, you, this 70 year old woman should just learn English if she is going to come visit this country. 70. VISIT.

OH! And Pervine wouldn't eat the pizza we got on Wed night because it was cut at the pizza place with the same cuter that had run through the pizzas with pork toppings. Well, V's grandmother just thought that was ridiculous, and why don't they eat pork anyway? When V explained that the rule of not eating pork is in all three Abrahamic holy books, she exclaimed "It's not in my bible!" So, I, of course, had to prove her wrong on that one, and then she said, and I quote, "Well, that was before it was rewritten." At which I laughed tried really hard to end the conversation, which she wouldn't let me do. Oh, if looks could kill when I explained to her that she had just said that her bible had been "re-written" and was therefore, no longer the word of God, but the word of Random!editor Guys.

Ok, so that was the offical Thanksgiving- and yes, the food was all really good. Laura arrived later that night, and we had left overs with her, and then sat around chatting. It was fun. She was here for a full week and a little more- she just left yesterday morning. Here's a good rundown of what we did while she was here:

Friday, after Thanksgiving, I took Laura and Virginia to see Trans-Siberian Orchestra for their Christmas gifts. I was an awesome show- though I sort of which that they had done one of their other albums for the 'story' half of the show as it was the same one we had seen last time. Virginia, a music major who's ultimate dream in life would be to conduct a rock-orchestra, had never heard of them before. It was awesome getting to introduce her to their magnificence. She enjoyed herself, and so did Laura, so it was all good.

Randomly, when the narrator was talking about how man could wish on an light, not just a star, and one man who was wishing that he was not so lonely for Christmas, I got an idea for a Clark/Lex story. I HATE Superman. But I thought, awe, how cute would it be if Lex had wished for a friend on Clark's meteorite? Yeah... Totally random.

On Sat, I took Laura out with Cassie and Laura and we went ice skating. It was fun and I made a hockey player from California blush. Cassie's big observation of the day? "Wow, you are a lot more forward with Laura around!" We both laughed hysterically at that. Also, by the end of the day I was rather impressed with myself. For years I have been trying to learn how to ice skate nearly every year, and every year I injure myself and end up having to give up with in like half an hour because my ankles just can't take it. We were there for three hours, and I didn't give up, even if I did take a good number of smoke breaks. By the end of the day, I had even managed to skate the six feet from the last curve to the exit all by myself. I do have to say that a lot of that was due to Cassie. Never knew that learning to skate with someone who can skate and *gasp and awe* has some sense of balance would make things so much easier. ^_-

Later that night we went up to Jellystone Park (you know, where Yogi Bear is based) and drove through Santa's Magical Kingdom or some such. It's supposedly the biggest Christmas light display in the US. Or at least, in the mid-west. It was a lot of fun, and I even got Laura and Cassie to skip with me and sing Christmas carols like we were five. Again, Cassie was shocked by the difference in my behavior with Laura around. But, in honesty, as I explained to her, my look!-I'm-FIVE! act was all because of the Christmas stuff and OMG!SANTA CLAUSE! not because of Laura. Despite everything, Christmas is still my favorite holiday and whenever I am given the chance, I love to act like a kid for the holidays. ^_^ I promised Cassie that one day this holiday me, her and Virginia would all get together with their kids so I could be all childish for the holidays. ^_^

Speaking of which. Last week I had this urge to take some kids to the zoo. You know, kids who like the zoo. Ones who are still impressed with how tall the giraffes are and how weird hyenas look. Well, I made the mistake of mentioning to Cassie this while we were skating, and now she has been bugging me about "maternal clocks" and "getting settled down" and the like. She even had this huge conversation with me about how she thinks I am the type of person who would make a great foster parent. That way I could have kids, but never really have to have kids, since I keep saying I would get sick of being a parent too fast. I tend to disagree. See, the kids I would 'foster' would end up making it to the 'family' level in my head and I just wouldn't be able to give them up. In case people haven't noticed yet, when you make it to the family level in my life, there is no getting rid of me.

Ok, so that was Sat. I was supposed to work that day, but honestly, I just didn't want to. On Sunday Laura and I pretty much just hung around her hotel with my sister playing video games. Which is pretty much how the rest of the week went too. Go to work, go out to dinner, go play video games, go to bed, lather rinse repeat... But I called off work on Thursday and took Laura to the Arch. It was nice. There was no one farting at the top. We even went through the museum and bought ridiculous expensive and rather gross candy we have never heard of from the little 'pioneer' store there.

Oh, so here is the thing with the title: Laura bought a Wii, and extra controlers with these colored latex 'skins' so we wouldn't get our Wiimote's confused. Seeing where I came up with this now? Yes, that's right, while trying to get one of these skins on a wiimote for my sister, I made mention of how it was like a wiimote condom. There was no end of the "safe role playing" jokes from there. It sort of became our theme for the week.

Also, I really want an Xbox 360 now. Fable 2 is an awesome game and was SO MUCH FUN!!! Also, there is a Tales game, so... that's two games I would play on it... yeah, I'm broke and thinking about selling the systems I have now, so it's a marvelous idea to start lusting after another ridiculous expensive toy. *headdesk*

Ok, so, Laura flew home on Sat morning, and I took my sister over to Cassie's and tried to help her clean her house. Then, after taking my sister home and returning to finish the kitchen- because god damn it that kitchen was going to be clean when I was done with it- Anna got sick. Like, projectile vomiting sick. She was still sick when I went home the next day. Fun.

Monday, I went with V to the hospital because she broke her finger and didn't want to sit in a hospital waiting room all alone. There were some really annoying black kids there that did not understand the idea of personal space and if it weren't for smoke breaks totally would have gotten a lecture and most likely a boot the ass about how you don't sick you face in a baby's face.

And then I came home at like 11 o'clock and went to bed so that I could get up for work... instead, I woke up at about 4 with the same thing Anna had. Not fun. And I had my father call out of work, but he called the office instead of calling my boss's cell phone, so I got chewed out about that this morning. I wanted to be like "Yeah, Erick, I'm gonna remember to tell my father to call your cell phone when I'm passed out on the bathroom floor. Bite me." All I did say was a lot of mm-hmms and a few oks. Luckily, it was only a 24 hours thing, because I couldn't take today off as well with out going to the doc, and yeah... I'm broke. Like really really broke. With no health insurance. Like, my account is $111 in the arrears and I am most likely going to have to get a second job here soon broke. Not even like "omg it's almost Christmas" broke. More like "omg he rent was due two weeks ago and we never paid it and the phone is due this week and we can't afford it and my student loans are already past due and thank god my bank payed my credit card and put me in the arrears rather than making the check bounce" broke. Yeah, going to the doctor for anything less than life threatening is not going to happen right now. And I am NOT loosing my job because I took more than one sick day in a row with out a doctor's note.

Ok, so that was my little ran about being poor. On a more positive note, my mother bought me a coook book called "Hello Cupcake" and a giant cupcake pan! I can't wait for the first birthday ha come around. GIANT CUPCAKES. So much better than cake. Even if it is just a cake pan shaped like a cupcake. You know you want one.

And, that would be it. Here, have a link because it's awesome and I have to use this Zemanta program to justify having it in my browser:

HTML Lesson #2: Attributes

2008-11-24T01:04:00.006-06:00

So, like I said, this week's HTML lesson is WAY LONG, and I had to give it it's own entry. Also, It gets a table of contents.

No, really, WAY LONG

Table of Contents
Introduction to Attributes
The Anchor Element and the HREF Attribute
The Target Attribute
The Name Attribute

HTML Lesson #2

So, I know that Francine requested Tables for the next HTML lesson, but personally, I think that's a little bit too advanced right now. So, I'm going to give you an element that uses attributes, so that you are ready for tables in the near future.

Last time, I went over the parts of your code, tags and elements. If you do not remember this information, now would be a good time to go back and review. No matter what code you are using, the structure of tags and elements will not change. To review this information, go here.

Today we are going to add another part to your elements: attributes. Attributes break down a code so that you can customize it even further. Not all elements use attributes. For example, the elements from last time do not. Then again, there is not much to customize when making your text bold, now is there?

Here is what W3Schools says about attributes:

HTML Attributes

HTML tags can have attributes. Attributes provide additional information about the HTML element.

Attributes always come in name/value pairs like this: name="value".

Attributes are always specified in the start tag of an HTML element.

When defining attributes, there are three main things to remember. First, your attribute will always be added to the opening tag of your element. This means that you will add all attributes for an element between the first set of < and >, but after the original designation.

Second, attributes always need both a name and value to work. You must first define the attribute of the element you want to change, and then define in what way you want to modify that attribute. Without a name or value an attribute will not do anything.

Third, all values must be enclosed in quotes. It does not matter if you use single quotes ('value') or double quotes ("value"), unless there are quotes in the value. For example, to define the name attribute as Swanky, you are free to use single or double quotes. However, to define the name attribute as Heather "Swanky" Swank, you must use single quotes because there are already double quotes in the value.

The Anchor Element and the HREF Attribute

One element that uses attributes is anchor, the link element. The tag for anchor is <a>. There are three main attributes you will use with this element- href, target, and name.

HREF is used to define your destination. You will use this attribute in nearly every single anchor element you create. HREF is where you type the address you are trying to link to. Let's walk through a very simple anchor element using the HREF attribute:

For this example, we will link to my blog: tales-of-swanky.blogspot.com

Begin your element with the opening tag with appropriate designation, but do not close the tag: <a
Next, add your attribute name: <a href=
Define the attribute value, the address to link to- do not add the ending / to any link when defining an attribute value- and close the tag: <a href="http://tales-of-swanky.blogspot.com">
Add the text you wish to be displayed as a link: <a href="http://tales-of-swanky.blogspot.com">Tales.of.Swanky
Close the element with the appropriate ending tag: <a href="http://tales-of-swanky.blogspot.com">Tales.of.Swanky</a>

If you've completed all the steps correctly, your links should display as follows:

Tales.of.Swanky

If your link does not work properly, go over the steps again and make sure you did not miss any of the aspects of you element. Pay close attention to the spelling of your address, and make certain that you have both added the http:// before the address and removed any forward slashes (/) that may appear at the end of your address. The forward slash at the end of an address will prevent your link from working as it confuses the HTML, so always be sure that you have removed it.

The Target Attribute

Now, you will notice, if you click on that link, that it redirects this page whereas most of my links open in a new window or tab, depending on your web browser. This is because there is no target attribute defined in the above example.

The target attribute is used to define where your link will open- the same window/tab or a new window/tab. If you do not include the target attribute the default setting of "same window/tab" will be used. To change this, you will have to add the target attribute and define the value as "_blank". This tells HTML to open the link in a blank window/tab. Let's add the target attribute to the previous example.

First, open your element: <a
Next, add your href attribute: <a href="http://tales-of-swanky.blogspot.com"
Add your next attribute name: <a href="http://tales-of-swanky.blogspot.com" target=
Define your attribute value and close the tag: <a href="http://tales-of-swanky.blogspot.com" target="_blank">
Define your hyper-link text: <a href="http://tales-of-swanky.blogspot.com" target="_blank">Tales.of.Swanky
Close the element with the appropriate ending tag: <a href="http://tales-of-swanky.blogspot.com" target="_blank">Tales.of.Swanky</a>

You're link should now display as follows, and open in a new window/tab:

Tales.of.Swanky

If you are having problems, make sure that you have the quotations around all of your attribute values, check your address, and check that you have added the underscore (_) at the beginning of your target attribute value.

The Name Attribute

The last attribute you will use with the anchor element is name. The name attribute, when used with anchor creates a *gasp* Named Anchor, which allows you to link to a specific section of a page, rather than to the beginning of the page. You can see examples of this in use at the very beginning of this entry with the table of contents. If you missed them, click here to see them again.

Yes, that was another example. Named Anchors are most usefully when creating tables of contents at the beginning of large pages. I do not use this attribute often, to be honest, though it is very handy to have in your repertoire. It makes organizing and navigating your page a breeze. However, it does make your anchor elements a bit more involved.

When using named anchors you will not only define the hyper-text (as we did above) but you will define the target-text as well. As with most of HTML, this is not as difficult as it sounds.

First, you should decide where you want your named anchors to appear and where you want them to link to- this is defining your target-text. For our examples, I will walk you through creating the Table of Contents at the beginning of this lesson.

There are four logical places to create 'chapters' to this lessons: the introduction of attributes and the three examples of attributes using the anchor element.

The first thing you have to do when creating named anchors is define your values and select your target-text. This part of the process will happen in your page or entry. You will write up your actual table of contents later.

First, open your anchor element: <a

Next, add your name attribute: <a name=

Add what ever text you wish, but remember what you use where, and close the tag: <a name="intro">

Next, type to text you wish to link to: <a name="intro">HTML Lesson #2

Lastly, close the tag: <a name="intro">HTML Lesson #2</a>

If you have defined the value correctly, the text will not display any differently.

Repeat this process for each occurrence of text on the page you want to link to. Remember to make note of what name you gave to each section of text. Through out my entry, I used "HTML Lesson #2", "The Anchor Element and the HREF Attribute", "The Target Attribute", and "The Name Attribute", defining them as "intro", "href", "target", and "name" respectively.

The second step in creating named anchors is to create the hyper-text links, or your table of contents. If you are linking from with in the same page, such as from one part of this entry to another, your addresses will be much simpler, but you can link to a certain section of a different page, as well. For the following examples, we will be linking to a section of the same page.

First, go to where you want to insert your links, or table of contents.

Open your anchor element: <a

Add your href attribute to create the link: <a href=

Add the value you defined for the first link, proceeded by a number sign (#) and close the tag: <a href="#intro">

Add the text you want to use as your actual link: <a name="#intro">HTML Lesson #2

Close the element with the appropriate tag: <a name="#intro">HTML Lesson #2</a>

If you have created your link correctly it should display like any other link. Repeat this process for each named anchor you have created. Remember to change the value for each link and do not forget to add the number sign to each value. Adding the number sign is what distinguishes the target-text from the actual link, or hyper-text. Using the name attribute with out the number sign defines where to link to- the target-text. Using the name attribute with the number sign defines the text to be used as a link- the hyper-text.

If you have created your table of contents correctly, the HTML code should look like this:

<a href="#intro">HTML Lesson #2</a>
<a href="#href">The Anchor Element and the HREF Attribute</a>
<a href="#target">The Target Attribute</a>
<a href="#name">The Name Attribute</a>

And display and function like this:

HTML Lesson #2
The Anchor Element and the HREF Attribute
The Target Attribute
The Name Attribute

Now, if you were attempting to link to a named anchor on a different page you had written, the actual address in the above example would be a little different. You would have to add the full address of the page the named anchor is on before the number sign in your link address. For an example, I have added a named anchor to the line "First, let me give you a basic understand of what HTML is and how it is used:" from my first HTML lesson that I will now show you how to link to from this lesson. I have already used this same named anchor in this entry, which you can see at the end of this paragraph.

First, you must either have already defined the target-text on your other page or go back and do so now. Again, just follow the steps here to do this.

Next you must create your hyper-text. We will follow the same process as before, with two alterations- adding the address of the external page to our href attribute value, and adding the target attribute. I always suggest using the target attribute when linking to an external page. I know I hate it when I click on a link and it doesn't open in a new tab because I loose what ever I was looking a to begin with. Because of this, I like to make sure all my external links open to a new window/tab.

For this example, the address of the entry we will be linking to is tales-of-swanky.blogspot.com/2008/10/cultural-expansion-through-language.html, and the value name defined on that page is "lesson1".

First, go to where you want to insert your link.

Open your anchor element: <a

Add your href attribute to create the link: <a href=

Add the value you defined for the first link, proceeded by a number sign (#)and the address of the external page you are linking to: <a href="http://tales-of-swanky.blogspot.com/2008/10/cultural-expansion-through-language.html#lesson1"

Add the target attribute and value, and close the tag: <a href="http://tales-of-swanky.blogspot.com/2008/10/cultural-expansion-through-language.html#lesson1" target="_blank">

Add the text you want to use as your actual link: <a href="http://tales-of-swanky.blogspot.com/2008/10/cultural-expansion-through-language.html#lesson1" target="_blank">HTML Lesson #1

Close the element with the appropriate tag: <a href="http://tales-of-swanky.blogspot.com/2008/10/cultural-expansion-through-language.html#lesson1" target="_blank">HTML Lesson #1</a>

Remember to add the number sign and value to the end of your address. If your link is not working, go back and make sure that your values are the same on both pages. In this example, the code for the target-text in Lesson 1 should look like this:

<a name="lesson1">First, let me give you a basic understand of what HTML is and how it is used:</a>

And should display as normal text:

First, Let me give you a basic understand of what HTML is and how it is used:

While the hyper-text in this lesson looks like this:

<a href="http://tales-of-swanky.blogspot.com/2008/10/cultural-expansion-through-language.html#lesson1" target="_blank">HTML Lesson #1</a>

And displays and functions like this:

HTML Lesson 1

Well, that is all I have for you this week. I hope this wasn't too much for you to digest in one go. I want you to be ready when I give you tables, and this is the bes introduction of attributes that I could think of. Also, it is possibly the most useful. Links are a wonderful thing, and as you've seen, can do much more than you would have thought!

Next time, I'll give you one more set of examples using attributes, and there will even be some crossover with this lesson. Oh yes, we are getting fancy now. ^_^

And now I have to go to bed as it is WAY to late for good little Swankies to be awake. Getting up for work tomorrow is going to be so hard...

So, Updating?

2008-11-22T12:46:00.002-06:00

Not my strongest suit, apparently. Now, not updating when I said I would? That's I'm ridiculously good at. I'm going to skip over the apologies and excuses about time constraints and just get right to the entry.

So, I've decided to adopt a structure similar to Francine's (which you can see at her blog Stop the World... I wanna get on!). I'll do a little update about ME and then I'll throw in some more HTML because I know that's what you really want to see. Also, I've started learning Arabic and Japanese from the same coalition of websites that Francine and Tony are learning German and Russian from (respectively). You might see a bit about that in here as well.

So, an update. Well, since the last time I wrote a lot has happened actually. I went to an SGA con in New Jersey a couple of weekends ago. That was AMAZING. I cant even begin to tell you all about it, so how about some highlights:

1. Laura realized that her new TomTom, bought just for this trip, and her iPod had been stolen just before we were getting ready to leave. So we had to call the cops, file a report, and then stop at the mall so she could get a new TomTom. It worked out though, because we got Starbucks before heading out. Starbucks makes everything better.

2. We had backstage passes and as awesome as that was, we had been a bit upset because we were not going to be able to meet Gary Jones (Walter of SG-1) because we were heading into NYC at the only time he was doing anything. Luckily, we stopped by the convention before heading into the city and got a chance to go backstage and meet him. ^_^ He's much cuter in person.

3. The aforementioned trip into NYC was to see Equus. Yes, the one with Harry Potter running around nekkid. That was not the reason we were going to see it... at least, that was not the reason I was going to see it. Regardless, this point is about the seats. We were in the Broadhurst Theatre, ironically where Richard Griffiths made his last Broadway appearance in The History Boys (for which he won a Tony) and also the home of the 2002 revival of Into the Woods and the 2006 revival of Les Miserable (yes, I threw in those little details for Francine's sake). If you don't know the theatre, it's small, as most of the theatres in NYC are, and the floor seats have three sections with 20 seats to a row each: left stage (the 200 block), right stage (the 000 block) and center stage (the 100 block). Our seats? E9 and E10. Yup. Center stage, almost exactly, fifth row. I know. You're jealous. You should be.

4. Our showing of Equus featured a charity donation thingy at the end, through which Laura got herself a poster and me a playbill, both signed by the whole cast. Again, I laugh at your jealousy. I know have Richard Griffths' (AKA Vernon Dursley and AMAZING ACTOR No. 1), Daniel Raddcliffe's (AKA Harry Potter and Boy-Who-Signs-Half-Like-an-Adult-Half-Like-a-Six-Year-Old) and Kate Mulgrew's (AKA Cptn. Jayneway and The Amazing Never Changing Hair Woman!) autographs. It was a geeky bonanza. I even got to see them coming out of the theatre and being swallowed by fans before getting into their TAXIS. I love NYC.

5. I managed to get all the foods I have been dying for since I left except real Italian sausage. Do you know how disturbing it is to have to eat bratwurst seasoned like Italian sausage? Trust me, it's disturbing.

6. CHUCK. That is all I have to say about that.

7. Radek Zalenka talking about what plans he has for the rest of his career now that SGA is over: "I've got my eyes on Brad Pitt. *uproarious laughter from crowd* His career, not his ass, you perverts."

8. Talking about Nekkid Daniel Radcliffe with Jason Momoa. *headdesk*

9. Seeing Francine and Tony, dispite how sort the visit was, was one of the best moments.

10. Having Laura laugh at me because while Harry Potter was running (litterally) around nekkid and half hard not ten feet from me I kept going "Dear God, look at that LIGHTING. How the hell did they get the light in there?" David Hersey is now my GOD.

Ok, other than that weekend... I still have a job, my father does not. *sigh* Because of this, I have decided tha I am going to (a) cu down on how much I am doing for the HPA in preperation for (b) if my father does not have a job again by the time Laura leaves I will have to get a second one myself. I am not looking forward to this. But such is life.

I have been listening to Last.Fm almost non-stop while I am at work. I love this. I get to listen to all these bands I LOVE with out ever having to spend the money to buy them. Depeche Mode has been high on the list recently. And XTC. Also, Iggy Pop, Cat Stevens, Bob Dylan, Sweet, and The Dancing Blue Jeans.

In other music news: A few weeks ago I played "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" on my guitar and sang it at the same time. Sounded like CRAP, but I was on key and in time and that's all that matters. I also have finally managed to play a bar cord! YAY! I am getting better tat this playing guitar thing. I think, mostly, because when I don;t want to get online right after getting home from work because I know there is something waiting for me for the HPA, and I don't feel like getting right to the cooking, and I certainly don;t want to get on the phone AGAIN, I practice my guitar. It's been most nights that I am home for a few weeks now. It's cool that I just looked down the other day and was like "Holy crap, when did I start positioning my hand like that? Isn't that the RIGHT way to play?" ^_^

Alright, I think that's it.

Because this week's HTML is WAY LONG, I'll have to post another entry for it. Sorry.

Cultural Expansion through Language...

2008-10-22T15:49:00.011-05:00

So, everyone is learning a language these days. Seems to be the new cool thing to do. (Do you like I how I base what's considered 'cool' on Francine and Tony? Yeah, me too.) More than just learning a new language, Francine is spreading the knowledge in her blog, giving little lessons in German each week so we, her readers, can learn with her.

Now, I don't know a foreign language, and honestly, I don't have the time or energy to learn one at the moment. Maybe after the new year. Nonetheless, I want in on all the blogging fun. After a bit of thought, and remembering that I am an 'outside of the box' sort of person, I realized I just might have a language to share with you afer all; markup languages, specifically HTML and CSS.

Each week I am going to pick some elements of HTML to share with you all, based on what you ask for in comments, and teach you how to code them. this week, we'll start with basic text alteration such as bold, italics and underline. I'll also give you a basic understanding of the terms you will see most often in this process.

First, let me give you a basic understand of what HTML is and how it is used:

HTML stands for HyperText Markup Language. It is basically used to tell webpages and other documents how to display and what functionality to give to text. Most of what you see online is based off of HTML. As a matter of fact, this whole blog is based off of HTML.

HTML is the base language for several other processes and languages used in all things technical. Some examples are CCS (Cascading Style Sheets) which is used to create webpage layouts and the like, and Scripting Languages (such as JavaScript) which are used to tell a document how to run a program. These things can get very indepth and very confusing very quickly, so lets move on while we still can.

At it's most basic HTML is made up of Tags, These tags tell HTML how to display and what to do with the given text. A tag is usually made up of an opening <, a letter, word, or symbol to tell HTML what to do, and a closing >, in that order.

Tags make up elements, the smallest working part of HTML, just like the rest of the world. An elements is one complete code. Elements are made up of an opening tag, the text to be edited, and a closing tag. They usually look like this:

bold

A Quick run down of the parts of an element and Tags:
< tells HTML to read the following text as a code.
> tells HTML to stop reading the following text as a code.
text between the < and > tells HTML what changes to execute on the following text
adding a / before said text tells HTML to STOP executing changes.

There are such things as 'empty' tags and elements. These have no natural text- text to be edited. There are also elements with no ending tag. A good example of each is line break: . Line break does just what it sounds like, inserts one line break into text. There is no text to be altered and as it only occurs once, there is no need for an ending code. You would use line break in place of hitting the enter key.

Now that you have a basic understanding of what we will be doing and WHY, lets get to some simple coding!

We'll start with text alteration codes. These are the most common and easiest elements to use in HTML. The are also the ones that make the biggest impressions on a webpage. If your layout looks great but your text is hard to read or understand it doesn't matter, right? Right.

The three most useful elements in HTML are bold, italics and underline. Let's start with Bold.

First create the opening tag: Start with a < to tell the webpage to start reading code. Then type 'b' which is the designation for 'bold' in HTML. Next, type > to tell the webpage to stop reading code.

Next, type the natural text you want to edit. In this example we will use 'Bold'.

Lastly, create your closing tag: add the closing element by typing < to tell the webpage to read code, / to tell the webpage to stop editing the text, 'b' to tell the webpage WHAT to stop, and > to tell the webpage to stop reading the text as code.

Your code should look like this:

This text is bold.

And display like this:

This text is bold.

Any text alteration element will work exactly the same way, and most of them have logical designaions. Here is a list of the most common text alterations and the code you will use for each:

Result/Display	Code/Designation
Bold	<b>Bold</b>
Italics	<i>Italics</i>
Underline	<u>Underline</u>
~~Strike~~	<strike>Strike</strike>
^Superscript Text	<sup>Superscript</sup> Text
_Subscript Text	<sub>Subscript</sub> Text
Big Text	<big>Big</big> Text
Small Text	<small>Small</small> Text
`Teletype` Text*	<tt>Teletype</tt> Text
*Teletype text is displayed with even letter spacing, like on a typewriter. It is also known as Typewriter Font. It is used mostly to distinguish certain words from a sentence. You have most likely seen it in a text book at some point.

Now, let say you want text this is both bold and italic: like this. To do this you will have to 'nest' your code. You fit one element within the other, like nesting dolls. It looks like this:

This text is bold and italic.

And displays like this:

This text is bold and italic

Notice how in the opening tags of the elements, bold is first and italic is second, while in the closing elements it is reversed. It does not matter which you use first, but HTML can get confused if you do not reverse the order of your tags when you close the elements. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen. Always remember to work from the text you want to edit out. If the closest tag to your text is on one side, it should be the closest on the other as well. DO NOT do this:

This text is bold and italic.

It works, but with certain elements we will get to later HTML will not display properly. I do this all the time, and there have been so many cases where my page is not displaying properly and it takes me HOURS to find the problem. Spending four hours pouring over a code just to realize you need to flip two little letters is beyond annoying. Trust me. Don't do it.

There is no limit on how many elements you can use at once. If you want your text to use all of the codes I gave you today, have fun. The only problem you will have is trying to make the text both Superscript, Subscript and Teletype at once. That won't work because all three change the spacing and size of your text in unique ways. o_0

You now know how to edit your text using HTML. You even know how to nest your elements! I told you it was easy. ^_^

Now, what would you like to learn next week? I'm thinking either adding images and links (and images AS links) or changing font faces, text colors and text back ground colors. Which would you prefer?

Fuck.

2008-09-07T18:12:00.006-05:00

Shit. Shitty fuckity fuck shit. o_0

I has a dilemma.

So, here's the thing. There is this guy. This really friggen hot guy who has no right to be as smart as he is. This guy who is really little more than a boy at a ripe old 19 years old. This guy, who I keep telling myself "no, you can't flirt with him. He's 19 and you would never get to date him so just... don't." Because, I can't do the whole 'fuck buddy' thing anymore. I'm too... honestly, I'm too lonely for it at this point.

Anyway, I find out today that this guy has a crush on me. Which is bad. Because I know, I know that nothing is going to come of it and I know that I am going to want something to come of it. Which is a bad thing. Because no matter what anyone says, he's 19 and used to just fucking around, and I'm not.

So what do I do? Do I just say fuck it and go ahead with this where ever it might go, even though I know that one way or another I am going to end up hurt here, just for the experience of having a relationship of some sort? Or do I veto the idea now before I get in over my head, which I know is going to take no time at all?

Fuck.

Making up my mind...

2008-09-06T16:39:00.003-05:00

SO much to post about! I've been sitting here for a good two hours, bouncing back and forth between topics that I want to discuss, and I haven't been able to pick one. I keep starting this entry and then being like "Wait, I didn't write about this or tha. I should do that." o_0

So, here's the thing, you're gonna get a very brief bit about it all. Ready? here we go...

1. I have a job, it is going well. I guess. I mean, I'm not panicking everyday like I feared, so that's a good thing right? I worry about taking too much time off though, even though i haven't really taken any time off that they weren't told about before I was hired. I have missed two days of work that was not planned. That's not too bad, right? I've been there for two months. I hope that's not bad... o_0 I also worry that I am doing things wrong, which makes me not want to do them at all. I have always been the type who would rather be viewed as lazy than WRONG. I am fighting it though. I have been forcing myself to do EVERYTHING I AM SUPPOSED TO, even if I am not sure I am doing it 100% correctly. And asking for as much help with those things as I can stomach. It's the hardest thing about working for me. That and the whole "omg, I don't actually like my co-workers," thing. They would avoid me if they knew ANYTHING about me, and that bothers me.

2. Cassie has been driving me nuts. I'm getting burned out and I'm trying to do everything I can to prevent it and she's just making it that much harder for me. Much like my brother, she just doesn't get it, because she doesn't function like me. Also, she's not been very considerate recently. Oh, she thinks she's being considerate, but she's really not. It's all very superficial, and we know how well I deal with that sort of thing...

3. I have actually been avoiding having a politacl discussion with my favorite person to talk to because I feel like an uninformed idiot right now. See previous entry to see why. Seriously, I know nothing and just couldn't keep up. I'm so used to having all this time to just look stuff up that I feel very uninformed now that I have other things I have to do with my time.

4. I have solidified plans to be in the CT area in Nov. Unfortunately, I won;t be able to visit with anyone while I am there. I am coming up for a convention in NJ, and I will be spend the half-day before and the fully day after with my mother, which leaves no time for anything else. o_0 Sorry. I have no idea when the next time I will be able to get up there is going to be, either.

5. I am going to a Stargate Convention in Nov. It will be awesome. We have back stage passes. Four of my favorite characters will be there. Well, not the characters themselves, obviously, since they aren't REAL, but the actors who play them. Did I mention that we have back stage passes? Yeah. This is gonna RULE. ^_^

6. It took me over a month to read a 400 page book. Sad, I know. But I HAVE NO TIME these days, and had only been reading during the week, my weekends being too full to do much more at home than sleep.

7. I am still voting for McCain as of right now. I could give you a full run-down of why I am voting for him but really, it boils down to "he's conservative on things I'm conservative on and liberal on most tings I am liberal on and those things that we don;t agree on are things he wants to keep in the state realm rather than the federal." Obama has too many 'socialist' views, which really boils down to "he wants more gov, that costs more money, says he's gonna cut taxes, but doesn't tell us how he's going to pay for these new services without more taxes." Also, I really don't like his health care plan. It's going to be very hard on small businesses. Have I mentioned that I work for a company that has 36 people in the whole thing? Yeah.

8. Russia makes me nervous. Iran has always made me nervous. The idea that the two of them might be working together just down right scares me. Not critically, but enough. Anbar excites me, Japan makes my cultural life, America depresses me, and England still feels like the mother country even after nearly 300 year of independence. Now you now how I feel about the global community.

9. This week has been fully of 'theological discussion'. I have loved it, though trying to get my father to see my point is tiring to say the least. Anyone else want to know how I feel about God and the idea that things happen for a reason? Seems to be what everyone wants to know from me right now. And, can I just say, I think it is hilarious that so many people have turned to me for religious reinforcement? Me. The NOT religious one. And I have been asked our times this week to make people feel more secure in their beliefs... why? Why not ask someone who is religious? Is it because they know I am not going to think the same as them, but that I will still help them form an argument for their own beliefs? I can't think of any other reason.

10. That's it. I'm done. Told you, very brief. I am gonna go take a shower, eat something , and get ready to go to my father's company party now.

Things I need to know for my next entry

2008-09-06T16:05:00.002-05:00

Exactly as the title says. This is a post for me more than you. Your's is next, I promise.

Where is the footage of protesting at the DNC? Fox, at least, covered protesting at the RNC, but I have seen nothing at the DNC. I have heard fleeting rumors of it though. So, where is the footage? Fox isn't gonna show it, obviously, being a Conservative channel. I shall have to check the liberal channels, I guess.

Don't take that to mean that I only watch Fox. To be honest, I haven't been watching anything recently, prefering to get my news in test form these days. But my dad watches Fox- and nothing but Fox which I think is a stupid move. I'm rather conservative myself, but there is no way in hell I would watch just Fox. You can't get a straight line out of them any more than you can out of MSNBC or CNN. You just THINK it's better because it's the only coservative station of that level, where as there are several liberal ones. Makes Fox look - to people like my dad- like the reporters willing to "get to the tough issues" and "tell you what the other side doesn't want you to know" and "tell it straight". They don't.

I also need to check out if anything even happened at the Independant Convention. I literally have not heard ANYTHING about it. I think I am going to have to dig a bit deeper on that account.

I also need to find videos and text transcripts of the speeches by the four candidates. That should be easy though. The RNC and DNC both have websites and would be stupid not to post the speeches in all formats. And I am sure that I can find something on YouTube for the Independents... I actually don't even know if they gave speeches at the INC...

I need to find approval ratings for all candidates, including the VP choices. In particular, I need to find reactions to VP choices. I need to know, in general, what each party thinks of the VP Choices.

I know there is a lot more that I need to know, but I can;t think of it right now.

'New Something' Challenging?

2008-06-20T12:43:00.002-05:00

First things first: I got up at a reasonable time THIS MORNING. Exciting, no? Yes, yes it is.

And what I have been doing all morning? Looking for inspiration for Something New Challenges. I think I am going to cut them back a bit when I restart them though. I do have a lot of things that I want to share with people but it's difficult to fulfill four or five categories each week. So, I've decided that I am only going to update the Something New to check out (i.e. websites, books, music, etc.) sections once a month, rather than trying to do it once a week. I will still post a Something New to do (e.g. the Fancy Hat Challenge, a New Food Challenge) each week, though.

I'm not sure when exactly the next Something New challenge will be up. I'm thinking of pushing it off until the first week of July (which is also the last week of June this month), even though I know I will have it ready well before that. Also, I'm starting the Challenges completely anew, so I may repeat myself a bit to start off with. Its just that I can't find the document I used to mark down what I had already put into a challenge and what I was planning on doing at a later date anymore. I will try not to repeat myself, but I have a horrible memory and with out that document I really doubt I'll be able to.

Well, that's all for now. I'll try to be back with another update soon. ^_^
~Swanky

I sort of hate blogger...

2008-06-18T05:45:00.002-05:00

But that's ok, because it sort of hates me right back.

I am never going to get the layout I am trying to make finished...

This makes me very sad.

And very tired.

And very very frustrated.

I think I shall go back to bed.

Edit: 6/19/2008 6:40am Ok, so I figured out how to fix the layout. For both blogs I now have. Now, all I need to do is figure out how to get the hack to make the 'lj-cut' type entries work in both blogs. Works in one! Refuses to work in the other. o_0

Today, I am NOT going back to bed, damn it. I will figure this out, and then I will start adding things to my new blog. And working on another entry for this one. And possibly my stories. I might even sit down and finish Elliot for Francine! I intend to be productive today!

Handels, levers, and pommels.

2008-06-17T21:08:00.011-05:00

So. Doorknobs.

I've been promising Francine that I will write this entry for a while now, but there have been a few road blocks for me. Not what, I am sure, you would think of as the 'normal' roadblocks to writing an entry about doorknobs- lack of inspiration, lack of passion for my topic, a staggering lack of depth or conflict to really sink my teeth into. What, I am sure you are wondering, am I supposed to write about, exactly? Weather to install a keyed entrance knob or a privacy knob on your bathroom door (I would suggest a privacy knob, btw)?

No, in all honesty, it isn’t a lack of anything that has kept this entry on the back burner. Rather, it is the shocking (physically as well as mentally, as you will see later) overabundance of topics that has left me stumped for so long. The sheer number of metaphors and analogies that can be drawn from the common doorknob alone is mind boggling, not to mention the unique position I hold as possibly the only person who ever had somewhat of a love affair with the doorknobs in my house as a child.

Yes, that's right, not only did I invent fears with the explicit purpose of self-behavior modification as a child, I also spent hours debating the relative benefits and downfalls of doorknobs. Hours.

I was very bored as a child.

However, this entry is not about my childhood quirks, at least, not primarily. It is about doorknobs. So, let us begin.

I have split this entry into several sections with the hope that it will be easier to digest in pieces rather than as a whole. I am told I often loose my readers, and while I do find it amusing when you call me and say little more than 'Huh?' I am trying to improve. I apologize that my phrasing has not changed much, if at all, but I have been writing this way for most of my life, and I have too much fun reading what I wrote and too little self-control to change it now. You will have to excuse me.

Now, onto the fun.

The Mandatory Educational Information

To fully appreciate the delicate intricacies of this entry, first you must understand a few things about doorknobs. Everyone knows what a doorknob is- well, at least everyone in a modernized English speaking country, I assume (for you Czech speaking readers I am talking about knoflík na dveřích, or dveřní klika, if you prefer)- but how many people actually understand how they work? Or even, exactly what one's options are in selecting a doorknob. On your next trip to your local hardware store, take a stroll through the "Locks and knobs" section. It's a long isle. Trust me.

Though, I do not suggest that you actually ask in-depth questions of the clerk about your doorknob choices. Not many people are "Dear lord, why do the crazies always find me"-glare-proof, as I am.

As with any new material, a solid understand of the origins and history of your topic is a required first step. And so, I present:

A Brief Overview of the Invention and Early Development of the Doorknob

Once upon a time (exact date unknown) someone (exact person(s) unknown) wanted to keep something (exact intruder unknown, but believed to most likely be large rodents or wife stealing bastards) out of his abode (exact building specifications unknown). Said person(s) installed some sort of 'door-stopping device' onto the outermost entryway to said abode. It was one small step for said person(s) (and an even smaller step for said wife stealing bastards) but one giant leap for person-kind.

Alright, that's not exactly true. It wasn't that big of a leap. We're not talking about fire or the wheel or slave trading here or anything- just a simple doorknob.

In all honesty, no one really knows the exact who, when, where or why of doorknobs. It is known that many early roman homes had doorknobs at least on the outer passageways. Richer homes were lucky enough to have them on the inside as well. Other forms of handles are seen even before the Bronze Age in regions such as the UK and Egypt. It's rather impressive, really.

It is also known that in 1878, Osbourn Dorsey, an African American inventor was issued the first patent for his 'door holding device'. Later in the 19th century Washington Martin (also African-American) was granted a patent for the modern lock. Today, the patents for the doorknob and adjustable latch assembly (the internal mechanism for a standard privacy knob) belong to Wen-Pin Wu.

The Modern Knob

Now that we know a bit (and I mean just a tiny little bit- this was one of the most uninformative 'history of the art' sections I believe I have ever written, but really, you try to look up info on the doorknob) about where our doorknobs came from, we need to understand where they stand now.

There are four types of doorknobs available in the modern market. I was surprised by this, as it seemed to me (after my lengthy visit to Lowe's "Locks and Knobs" Isle) that there ought to many, many more types than four. However, after a bit of careful consideration, I did manage to find appropriate categorization for all the doorknobs I found in one of these four many groups. The groups are separated by functionality alone. The "Dumby Knob", the "Passage Knob", the "Privacy Knob", and the "Keyed Entrance Knob". They are all rather self-explanatory if you ask me, but here's some quick definitions for you:

Dumby Knob: Not a functioning doorknob, used generally for aesthetics only, often used when two doors close into each other, and only one door is opened and closed regularly. Doors sporting these sorts of knobs rarely, if ever, close completely or evenly and have been used in numerous psychological studies of the reactions of persons with OCD in an uncontrollable world.

Passage Knob: Does not lock on either side of door, most often used in places such as closets. Unsolicited advice: if upon your first visit to a new potential partner's home you notice an overabundance of these knobs, leave while you still have a chance. It can be a depressing but 99.9% accurate indication of a person with NO BOUNDARIES and a tendency to cling at the most inappropriate of times. What sort of person doesn't want privacy knobs on the bathroom door?

Privacy Knob: Can be locked and unlocked only from the inside of the knob, convenient for bathrooms and bedrooms. Can be installed backwards on closet doors as set up for practical jokes or impromptu blind dates.

Keyed Entrance Knob: Can only be unlocked from the outside with a key, best when used on out-facing doors or primary entrances in sectioned building (office or apartment buildings). Unsolicited advice: if upon your first visit to a new potential partner's home you notice an overabundance of these knobs, leave while you still have a chance.

Construction of a Convenience

The actual assembly of a doorknob is not generally common knowledge. Not many people know why or how their doorknobs work, simply that they do, and that without them houses would be a lot less secure and easy to navigate. It's quite simple, really. There are six main parts to a standard doorknob: the inner knob, the mounting plate, the latch assembly, the latch, the cylinder, and the outer knob.

The inner and outer knobs are just what they sound like, the actual knobs themselves that can be found on either side of the door. The mounting plate is, of course, the piece that fastens the knob to the door. Dumby knobs usually consist only of these three parts, and even in many cases do not have both an inner and outer knob.

The latch assembly is the inner workings of the knob. It is a small series of gears, wheels and springs that connect the turning of the knob, or the depressing of a handle or some other motion, to the retraction of the latch. The latch is, amazingly, the post that locks the door into place. These two parts are found on all passage, privacy and keyed entrance knobs. The cylinder is only found on keyed entry doors, as it is the actual key hole.

The difference between the latch assemblies of a locking door and a passage door lies in a simple trip switch that slots into place when the knob is locked that disconnects the knob from the latch assembly. Once unlocked, the trip switch is either raised or moved aside, and the connection reestablished when the knob is turned again. This is why you cannot unlock a doorknob while the knob is turned; the trip switch becomes lodged between the first gear on the knob and the wheel in the latch assembly and cannot move out of the way to return functionality to the knob.

The Cultural Significance of the Doorknob

Doorknobs have their specific purposes, obviously, but that has never stopped humanity from adding to the list. Gaining a basic understanding of what a doorknob truly is, how it functions, where it is derived from, and how it is put to use, is all fine and dandy, but humanity can not stop there. We must find unconventional uses for conventional items. We must cram greater meaning into even the most shallow and mundane of words. We must twist things about until there is little-to-no trace of what they once were and then call ourselves linguistic, cultural and revolutionary geniuses for our unmatched ability to destroy the beauty of the spoken word and the simplicity of mechanics.

The Growth of a Word to a Metaphor

It never ceases to amaze me the lengths that human culture will go to use common words in new and inventive ways. Perhaps the most striking aspect of how humanity dissects its own languages lies in the fact that no word is safe. How often do you say the word 'doorknob'? Once a day? Once a week? I would dare to say that most people actually say the word doorknob less than once a month. And yet, it has still become the target of countless crimes against language.

The list of common metaphors that involve doorknobs is nearly never-ending. From "Licking frozen doorknobs" for lying on the spur of the moment, to the comparative metaphor of "Slicker than hot snot on a glass doorknob", from the sarcastic "clever as a doorknob", to the blatantly vulgar "polishing his doorknob", people have found countless ways to bastardize even this most commonplace of objects through supposedly clever turn of phrase. Here are a few of my favorite doorknob metaphors, in addition to the four above:

They make more turns than a doorknob. (moody/slutty)
They have the IQ of a doorknob. (dumb)
As dull as a doorknob. (boring/dumb)
All over it as a fist on a doorknob. (obsessed/stalking)
As useful as a door without a knob. (useless)
Dead as a doorknob. (dead)
Don't let the doorknob hit you in the ass on the way out. (incorrect phrasing of a saying meaning 'good riddance'- I love stupid people)

Doorknobs have also been used in more lengthy analogies, most often in connection to a door metaphor. For example, a rough translation from a Chinese proverb: "A teacher will show you the door, they will even turn the knob, but you must enter by yourself". Or the rather pessimistic additions to a common inspirational quote: "The door to happiness opens towards you... and there is no knob to pull." And the list continues once again, but rather than focusing on how often the doorknob is used in metaphors, I would like to focus on how often they are ignored.

The Darker Side of Doorknobs

You can learn just as much about a culture from studying what is missing from their metaphors as you can from dissecting what is there. The doorknob, for example, is continuously left out of door analogies. The author will make mention of the door, the lock, even the jam, before remembering to put in the all important knob. As illustrated in our last quote, what good does a door with no knob do for you anyway? Ralph Waldo Emerson sought to inspire the world with "Every wall is a door... and you have the key!" but what of those humans smart enough to think ahead? Having the key is a great advantage, but we're still going to need some way to open the door after it's been unlocked. Next time you stumble across a door metaphor, look for the knob. I'm afraid that the chances are that 99% of the time, that metaphor will have to remain closed to you.

What, exactly, does it say about humanity at large, that we would forget such a crucial element on such a regular basis? Are we such a disconnected culture that we cannot keep in mind all the aspects of our own metaphors? Have we grown so lazy that we can not be bothered to mark one of the most important fixtures in our homes?

The American populace has been marked as especially complacent, choosing to over look the small but crucial elements to our own lives, religions, government and social structures. The fact that we routinely take for advantage the fact that we have doorknobs speaks to that idea on some level. Granted, it is not the most telling of observations, still it does say something about those who can choose to forget something that provides a convenience we would loath to be without until we are forced to.

However, in this case, it is not only the sinister Americans that are guilty. Humanity's willingness to over look the little, consistent things is clearly illustrated through doorknobs. In a much broader analogy- one I am sure will be called ludicrous by at least one person after having posted this- doorknobs represent the general mindset of 'make it, break it, replace it'. The squeaky wheel may get the oil, but the loose doorknob is ignored until it breaks and then it is simply replaced with a shiny new one.

We, as a whole, strive to create the better, faster, more convenient, and then through lack of care and attention we destroy that which we created. The worst part is that rather than learning from our mistakes, we simply start the process over again; make, break, replace. This destructive pattern has bled through the minute and mostly harmless into nearly all aspects of human life.

Take the creation of the automobile and the current worries over global warming versus the current oil crisis. We create an element of comfort for ourselves, never thinking of the eventual impact on the world in which we live. We have suspected for years that car exhaust is extremely detrimental to the environment, and yet we did nothing to combat that issue because it wasn't convenient. Now, when it has become more expensive to run a car off these environment destroying fossil fuels, when we see right before our eyes the possibility of not having the convenience of simply looking the other way any longer, we begin our search for a replacement in earnest. Not for the greater good of our world, not to fix a mistake, simply to prevent having to give up a convenience we have come to rely on. Make, break, replace.

Yes, this mindset is exemplified well by something as simple as the doorknob. Mark my words, five hundred years from now, some brilliant Archeologist will stumble across a landfill brimming with doorknobs and marvel at the excess, wastefulness and self-centered nature of our society.

A Redeeming Moment

While it is true that doorknobs can easily be used to make harsh social commentary about human nature, it is also true that doorknobs can easily express a softer, more playful side of humanity. From intricate artistic knob designs, to silly childhood games, doorknobs bring to light a more whimsical side of man, if you know where to look.

First, Doorknobs. Not the object but the game. Most popular in Great Britian and parts of Australia, this game is only one of the many variations on the 'safety' theme, much like "Punch Buggies" or "Puddidle-Budinkle". When one child breaks wind, he or she must call out "Safety" before someone else calls out "Doorknobs". If they don’t make it in time the other children present can- and will- give them 'free beats' until they touch a doorknob. If someone seems to have called safety for no reason, they automatically get hit twice. It's just the principal of the matter really: you can't waste a perfectly good safety like that and expect to get away with it. And really, if it was that silent and that scentless, you should have just kept quiet.

This playful- and violent- association follows many children through adolescence and into adulthood with such things as the 'electric-shock-doorknob' prank. A similar, if more painful, idea is used in Home Alone when Kevin McAllister attaches a red hot iron to the inside of a metal doorknob to deter burglars, and again in Home Alone 2: Lost in NY, when Kevin connects a doorknob to a nail gun trigger. One of the most utilized symbols of the entire Home Alone Series is the M from the McAllister's monogrammed doorknob permanently burned into Harry's palm. It is just one example of how society has been able to express its lighter side through doorknobs.

Doorknob Art, In All It's Many Forms

Doorknobs are used again and again through movies and even plays to bring a greater completeness to a set. From the McAllister's monogrammed doorknob, to the animated 'butler'knob of Beauty and the Beast, the simple elegance of the doorknobs scattered through the house of The Others, to the complex rig attached to the doorknob in The Goonies, these everyday objects have been extrapolated upon in nearly every creative art available. With such things as Bob Henley's Wren on Doorknob print and the Perthshire doorknob paperweight available from Randall Antiques & Fine Art even doorknobs have been integrated into the human experience of art and creativity.

As a matter of fact, doorknobs themselves have become a popular base for artistic works. Many people, in many different countries throughout the world spend their lives designing and creating works of art from the common doorknob. With a little time and effort you can easily find groups such as the Doorknob Art Photo Share on Flicker, the Handle Guild for makers of fine door handles, and the "Antique Doorknob Collectors of America". And with a little time and effort, those groups will even find you! Architectural Classics, a blog that "brings original old lighting and door hardware out of the realms of Sunday visits to the auctions," left a comment on this blog, marveling at the fact that someone else in the world is blogging about doorknobs. Their most recent post, The Locomotive Knob, provides their readers with a beautiful picture of a train-stamped knob, and a little food for thought on modern design options. It's really a fun site.

However, it's not only online that you will find other doorknob-enthusiasts. The City Museum here in St. Louis recently had a Doorknob Exhibit, displaying some of the oldest, most artistic, or most unique doorknobs found through out the city. It was amazing to see just what exactly a creative mind can do with a simple doorknob. Here are a few of my favorite examples of "Doorknob Art":

Antique doorknobs at St. Louis City Museum

Masonic doorknob at City Museum

Libyan Doorknob

HandKnob

Escher's Glass Doorknob

Asland Doorknob at C. S. Lewis' childhood church

Doorknob designed by Klaus Voorman for George Harrison

Doorknob designed by Klaus Voorman for Ringo Star

A Personal Touch

Most people never even notice the doorknobs in their homes. I am not most people. I noticed. More than just noticing, I went through a period of about three months in which I spent a large amount of my time contemplating my doorknobs.

The doorknobs in my apartment were very traditional glass knobs from the Victorian age, original to the apartment. They were one of the few remaining original aspects of the building, other than the porcelain bathroom fixtures that never worked exactly right and rickety windows that never kept out the cold. They were cut to fit your hand, no matter how you placed it on the knob, and the interior created an intricate prism that would catch any available light, even on the darkest of nights. I was unable to find a picture that really did these beauties justice, but the following is basically what I am talking about:

I was always a strange child. Bookish and reserved, my mind constant swam through the abstract, pulling strands of disconnected thoughts into a semblance of order that would wrap about anyone else and pull them into the darkness of complete confusion. Alright, I admit, strange may be the right word for it. Scary might seem a bit more accurate. I had a tendency to spout off the most random of observations that would either have the adults around me boggling at the maturity of my mind, or boggling at the complete disconnect between a child's mind and reality. Other than that, I didn't speak much. As I said, bookish and reserved.

Never was I more reserved than when I was 11, however. I had just entered middle school, my stash of books was depleted, and my bus money non-existent. I got my first job that year, and because of the nature of it, I spent most of my 'off-time' reveling in the fact that I could simply keep to myself and think. Unfortunately, there wasn't mush available to think about.

Then I noticed the doorknobs.

They were rather startling at first. I had lived in this apartment for more than five years and I had never actually seen the doorknobs. I couldn't imagine how I had missed them. Even the slightest bit of light would catch and glint off them, bouncing through the middle before span out across the floor of wall in a prism of color. Each was unique, despite all having the same design. One was chipped on one side- I would compulsively turn this one until the chip was dead center on top. Eventually I had to take the knob off the door and turn it around so that it would stay in what I had deemed the correct position. One had a smear of caulk just under the curve of one of the flutes- this had to always be on the bottom, so as not to obstruct my view of the doorknob in all its glory. One rattled while another didn't move at all. All of them were entrancing.

How had I not noticed them before? Was it just that I had been that unobservant, that wrapped up in my own life and mind that I would miss such a treasure right in front of my face? Needless to say I didn't much like what that idea said about the type of person I must have been. And, never one to simply roll over an accept the negative, I decided to give myself a way out. I created a theory which would account for both my not noticing the knobs before and for the strange way they seemed to capture both light and my mind.

The theory stated that the doorknobs weren't actually there before- or at least, not these knobs. No, these knobs had been implanted, replacing the simple, ordinary knobs that used to grace our doors, by some evil force- an evil force intent on distracting those in the immediate area. They used the doorknobs to in trance my attention first, knowing that I would be the most observant person in my household and most likely to uncover any dastardly deeds going on about. Then they made other changes, adding the almost silver-shiny dust about the house that my mother absolutely could not simply overlook, speckling the walls with uneven spackle that my brother would attack with sandpaper and a vigor we hadn't seen from him in years.

They were trying to distract us from something, these strange evil beings with their evil doorknobs and dust, that much was obvious, but from what? Why, the inter-dimensional portal in my bathroom, of course. Yes, in the bathroom. Just between the sink and the mirror. How, you ask, did I discover this inter-dimensional portal in my bathroom? The Doorknobs (yes by this point they had acquired capital status).

If you lined up the doors in my house just right, at exactly 9:37am, during the month of March, the sun would come in through the East facing windows, bounce around each of the doorknobs to reach the other side of the house in a piercing stream of light. Just between the bathroom sink and mirror, in a spot that was ALWAYS dusty, and suspiciously devoid of spackle.

I watched that exact spot every morning for three months, intent that what ever demons may be on the other side of that potential dimensional rift stay properly on their side. Eventually, I gave up the pursuit and slapped a piece of duct tape over the spot and called it fixed. Duct tape fixes everything. Not to mention that duct tape is shiny and bounced the light back off the wall and into the doorknob and made the bathroom glow.

Even after saving the world with duct tape from evil doorknob demons when I was 11- beat that Batman- I didn’t loose my fascination with the doorknobs in my apartment. Rather, I focused more on the aesthetic beauty of them, marveling at how they looked in every light, and even with out any. I would color Saran Wrap with sharpies, pull it over a flashlight and see what colored light looked like against my blue walls both before and after passing through the doorknobs. I covered one of the knobs with clear acrylic primer and then painted it with water colors to make it look like stained glass. I pulled one knob from its base and shoved a small piece of colored paper between the glass and metal to make what looked to me like a snow globe with no glitter. I would switch the small glass handles from our cabinets with the passage knobs to see what a mini-doorknob would look like on a big door.

Eventually, my on going love affair with the doorknobs abated, though never completely. For a short while I developed a fear of doorknobs a kin to A Series of Unfortunate Events' Aunt Josephine's paranoia. I was convinced that if the sun were allowed to shine on a doorknob too long it would shatter and I would be permanently disfigured from the flying pieces of melted glass. And even though I was older, understood that my own theories were often nothing more than the ramblings of an over active imagine and an over educated and slightly warped mind, when we moved, I took booth doorknobs off the bathroom doors, just to be on the safe side.

I still have them somewhere, in with the rest of my things from my childhood. They were the only knobs in the apartment that I had not altered in some way. Last time I saw them, I was still awed by their simple beauty.

And part of my mind was still struck by the great dangers and evils they could be hiding.

How's that for a Doorknob entry? I think I covered everything: history, mechanics, literary use, social commentary, cultural importance, and personal views.

Who knew there was so much to a doorknob?

I did.

Ten random thoughts...

2008-06-07T02:02:00.003-05:00

1. Despite the fact that I was completely useless at Wrockstock, I still learned something from it.

2. Fowl Words should be illegal due to it's addictive nature.

3. Door knobs, while preforming a very necessary function in life, are not particularly inspiring.

4. I will never learn how to spell necessary correctly.

5. Life really sucks when you don't even have enough money for food and smokes. Friday cannot get here soon enough.

6. It is impossible to get a job without having to spend at least some money before your first paycheck.

7. People who are too blind to learn from their own mistakes, and the mistakes of others, should be sterilized.

8. My blue pajama bottoms and light blue teeshirt are the closest thing to heaven that I will ever see.

9. I don't actually like most Wrock. I listen to it because it's what I have and I don't have the space on my computer to put the rest of my music on. The concerts, on the other hand, are mucho fun, when you are not incapacitated by anxiety

10. My fondness for snark is a bad thing, as it seems most men have confused 'snarking' with 'foreplay', or, at the least, believe that I veiw the two as interchangeable. I do not know how that happened.

And an extra for good luck:

11. I have a tendency- granted, a very well controlled tendency, but it is still there- to do very very stupid things when stressed out. There are not many things I can point to, but I have noticed that when my stress levels get out of control, I do these things that I have no reason to do, that I don't really want to do, that at any other time I would even think of as stupid mistakes made by less self-aware people. After I do these things, I sit back and go "Why the hell did I do that? Seriously now, I am smarter than that." I also try to think of everything leading up to the idiocy so that I can notice the signs of it and prevent it next time. But, it's still there.

Also, I never let any of those stupid things go. I beat myself up about them when I have nothing else to think about. Which is most of my time not spent reading fanfic. And recent, much of my time spent reading fanfic as well.

My will power sucks...

2008-05-27T14:18:00.003-05:00

So, I had a terrible weekend. Seriously, if I had to rate this past weekend compaired to other horrible days/weeks/months/whatever in my life I would have to say that it's most likely THE WORST weekend of my life... possibly the second worst. I'm still not sure.

So, the weekend started with a three hour drive in which Cassie and Pat snarked at each other the whole time. And that that adorable fannon!Snape "affection and humor behind a mask of malice" sort of snarking, but the cannon!Snape "true malice vaguely hiddne behind a transparent wall of humor" sort of snarking. The whole time I kept thinking "I don't want to be here. I want to go home. Is it over yet?" And that didn't change after we actually GOT to the lodge either.

Then, about 18 hours or so after we got there, I had a massive panic attack in front of 300 people. Yeah. that was fun. It lasted a good 45 minutes all told, and to be honest, it didn't go away, just died down enough that I could function again. I actually cried. I couldn't stand for god's sake. It was bad. And then I felt horrible for making Cassie and Pat's weekend even worse and for being even less helpful to Paul and Steph than I was to begin with.

And then the worst part was that the next day everyone I knew (which was a lot of people) kept giving me these nervous pitying looks. And all I could see all weekend were my friend crammed into the front row having a blast and I couldn't go join them because I had to work. And there were SO MANY people there. Have you ever felt utterly alone in a room full of people? Well, I was feeling utterly alone at a concert for my favorites bands with 300 other people around. It sucked.

I ended up having to leave just after the very last set started because I could feel the anxiety building back up to unmanageable levels I almost cried again. And my right hand and leg would not stop shaking no matter what I did and... god, it was like a 24 hour panic attack and I couldn't deal. So I left to call my father at 11:30 on Sunday night to go home. We finally got back around 4am and I have been completely wiped ever since.

I should call the places that I filled out applications at before I left. I should work more on the programing course. I should call Abby and Paul and apologize for leaving early and not staying to help clean up and all. I couldn't deal with the building anymore and I just... left and didn't come back. I should be doing SOMETHING today, but all I want to do is read some fanfic and go back to bed. I've been trying not to do that because I know it's a bad thing, but...

You know what I really want? I really want someone to cuddle with. I got home and just crawled into bed and wrapped myself around my tigger and went to sleep. And then Cassie called me to tell me about how much fun she had at the party on Sunday night and who hooked up with who and all I could think was how pissed I was that I didn't stay. I mean, what would have really been the difference between going home at 2am on Sunday night or going home at 2pm on Monday? But I just... to be honest, I just couldn't face the ride home with them. They were really helpful with the whole panic attack, Cassie and Pat both, but... I felt so bad about it and I just didn't want to have to sit there for three hours with the driving need to apologize for something I really couldn't control. And the party wouldn't have been that awesome for me. I would have just sat there and watched all my friends have fun... again.

So, yeah, I really just want a hug. A sleeping hug, even. I want to go back to bed and not have to be alone. But since that's not an option, I just want to back to bed. I'm trying not to, but really, it's a losing battle. And god, my legs and back and neck and chest all hurt SO MUCH. Luckily, my stomach stopped hurting not long after my father got there to get me. And the lightheadedness dissipated soon after I got home. But I still feel like shit, inside and out.

And really, how the hell am I supposed to have a job? I can't have panic attacks out of no where at work. I'll get fired! Oi vai. *sigh* Ok. I really don't want to think about it any more, so yeah, I'm going to go take a nap.

Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY JADE! I hope you enjoyed it, even if you didn't really do anything. I fully intended to call you and sing happy birthday but, well, nothing really went the way I intended it to this weekend. Still, I hope it was enjoyable for you! *glomp!* ^_-

Things that occur to you when you least expect them...

2008-05-16T13:25:00.002-05:00

I think I know where my insomnia comes from. Well, that isn't exactly right. I think I know where my desire to sleep all day and stay up all night comes from. The days/nights where I don't sleep at all are a completely different thing. Either way, I think I have that one figured out, but I don't know exactly how to articulate it.

I woke up this morning and forced myself to actually get out of the bed- usually I would just roll over and go back to sleep until around 4 or 5 in the afternoon. I sleep on average about 8-10 hours at a time, but it's between 5am and 5pm. Some days I don't get to bed until 9 or ten in the morning and I don't wake up until close to 8pm. The reason I forced myself to get up this morning- and haven't let myself go back to bed despite how much I want to- is because as I was going to bed this morning at around 3am, I realized how odd, almost disconcerting, it was to be going to bed while it was still dark out. I understand that that is a bad thing and so, when I woke up this morning, I got out of the bed, hoping that I could stay up all day and actually start living on a normal person's schedule.

Which, really, is the crux of this issue: I don;t have a 'normal person's life' and trying to maintain a normal person's schedule only highlights that fact.

I have been sitting here all day battling a strange sense of restlessness that I never have. Ever. I am not a very restless person. I spend most of my time alone, inside, sitting still even, and it rarely if ever bothers me. Today, not so much. Today I keep looking at the clock and marveling that it has only been 15 minutes since the last time I looked. I keep hearing the cars outside, the ring of a phone in someone else's apartment, a far off radio somewhere else in the complex, and thinking that I ought to be doing something. I'm reading fanfiction and all I can think is 'Why are you still persisting in wasting all your time like this? Shouldn't you be doing something? Something usefull?' But I can't think of what that something is.

And that's when I realized. I hide from everything by staying up all night. There are things that I should be doing that I don't do- working, going to school, cleaning, eating, exercising, cleaning, living- and those are all things that ought to be done during the day by societal standards. I look at the clock at 1pm and think that I should have just eaten lunch. At 5 I think that I should have just gotten out of work. By 7 I'm thinking that I should be just finishing dinner. But I'm not. And that bothers me more than I can say.

You know how so many people complain about how no one ever believed in them? How so many people have no drive because they were never told they could do anything? I wonder about the reverse of that. What happens when someone is held as the 'last hope' for their whole lives? What of those people who are raised to believe that there is nothing they can't do? Raised to believe that they were in fact above the curve, better equipped to face live and succeed.

General opinion would say that those people grow up to be better adjusted, have a leg up, be more driven, etc. Right?

That's my problem. I am one of those people. I was told my whole life that I was better, that I could do anything I wanted, that I would be so much greater than where I started someday.

But they were wrong. I'm not any better prepared to face life than anyone else. Yes, I'm smarter than most of the people in my family. I learned faster in school than most of the people I grew up with, most of the people in my life in general, and in many ways, I am still ahead of the curve in my life. I can name on one hand the number of people in my life now that I would consider to be as 'intelligent' as I am. But it doesn't matter, because when you add in all my other failings, I'm much, much worse off than most people I know.

I have no motivation. I have no will power. And that is what bothers me most.

Do you know how frustrating it is to know that if you just tried and kept trying you could do anything? That all of your failings are not because of a lack of intelligence, bad situations, or any other outside force. That everything that you have ever failed at you could have excelled at. That you didn't fail not because of some unchangeable force but because of a lack of strength and drive to change what needs to be changed?

People have told me that I am strong. That I have lived through so much and they are surprised at how far I have come. That I am wise and understanding and strong- always strong- and perhaps they are right, but that just makes it so much worse.

I don't know exactly how to explain it, but... I am very disappointed in myself. I am always disappointed in myself, and I am not strong enough to fight that.

So, which is worse? Having no expectations set forth for you or having such high expectations that you spend your whole life striving for them and never do? Is it better to drown in the feeling that you are not good enough and view your dreams as unattainable or to drown in the feeling that no matter what you do, it is never enough. With the first, if you are strong enough to fight for what you want, and you eventually achieve it, aren't you done? In the latter, there is always something else that you should have done. It never ends.

But I suppose, with both, you spend most of your life feeling disgusted with yourself, so what does it really matter?

2008-03-31T03:53:00.002-05:00

I went to bed at around 11:30pm tonight, and I was so very very tired and I was going to SLEEP, and it was going to be perfection because, yeah, sleep has been a short visitor in the house of Swanky as of late. I was ready to welcome him home with open arms, two blankets and nice, clean, fresh sheets, a fluffy pillow and a whole twelve hours to enjoy his company. It was going to be wonderful when I woke up in the morning I was actually NOT GOING TO BE TIRED ANYMORE.

At midnight, my phone rang just as I was really starting to fall asleep. It was Cassie, and I felt like I really should answer. There are only a few people I would have taken the effort for, people that I know either wouldn't call that late unless it was an emergency or have been having a lot of issues recently. Cassie is one of those people. So I answered, and lit a smoke, and talked to Cassie for TWO HOURS, and now, now I can't sleep.

I tried, I did. I really, really did, because I'm so tired and I want to be able to sleep at night time and see the sun again and did I mention how tired I am? But, that's the problem: I'm too tired to sleep. I laid in bed for two hours, trying every trick I know to make myself fall asleep, but every time I close my eyes the world starts to spin or pulse or tilt from side to side and I have to open them again of I'll be ill.

And I was so looking forward to a day. You know, where there's sun and blue sky and, hell, at this point I's take torrential down pours if I could just say that I managed to see what my new porch looks like before dark. And it was going to be such a nice day tomorrow. Cool and crisp but still warm enough to mull about outside with little more than a sweatshirt, no rain, not even clouds really, and I was going to fucking enjoy it. Maybe read a book on my new porch, convince my father to let me take 10 bucks to Bread Co for some food that isn't fried and bland and, be still my beating heart, I could eat at lunchtime. See what my niffty new arm warms look like in the sunlight, visit with the friendly cat from somewhere in the neighborhood again. Anything, ANYTHING to get me out of this god forsaken apartment and out and about in the land of the living- while the living are in fact awake and... living...

Damn. It. All.

Can sleep deprivation break your nose?

2008-03-28T09:11:00.002-05:00

I'm beginning to believe that (a) my sleeping pattern will never return to something even resembling normalcy and (b) I have a broken nose.

I slept for a total of 13 hours yesterday, forcing myself to stay in bed until at least a reasonably decent hour. I got up at about 3am when I couldn't stay in bed anymore and I have been up since, going beck to bed every few hours to see if I could get back to sleep. (I just typed "back to school" rather than "back to sleep". My brain is obviously fried.) I haven't been able to get back to sleep, but I think that when I go back to bed again after I type this up I just might be able to. I need to get back to sleeping at night and living during the day, but I really don't know what else to do. o_0

My nose hurts. Like, really really hurts. I've been getting nose bleeds for the past couple of days, most likely to do with the freakish way that it can pour until the entrance to my building, at the top of a hill, is flooded and still manage to have air as dry as the Sahara. I think I spelled that wrong... Anyway, it's gotten to the point where having my glasses perched on my nose is causing me pain. When I lay down, I have to arrange myself so that my nose is neither leaning to the left or right, and that gravity is not pulling on it too hard. I'm not even joking. My brother tossed a towel at me earlier, and it barely grazed my nose but it brought tears to my eyes. There's no bruises or anything, but god it hurts. I can't have a broken nose, right? There would be bruising, or swelling, or something right? It would require some sort of contact to cause the break, right? Don't your eyes go black when you break your nose? See, none of that. Just... really fucking hurts and won't stop bleeding. Not bleeding bad, just enough to make me sniffle every few minutes, but still. This isn't looking good.

My minutes reset today, so people can call me again if they want. I'm going to go to bed, arrange myself so that my nose doesn't kill me, and try to get another hour and a half or so of sleep, but after that, feel free to give me a ring.

Random side note: I've been listening to podfics recently (fanfiction read aloud which is really popular in the Stargate: Atlantis fandom right now) and one of the readers should do this for money. I swear to god, she's got a better audio-book voice than the guy who reads the Harry Potter books. She rules. There's a different reader who should have her mouth stapled shut, though, so I guess the world keeps it's balance...

Also, I love John Sheppard. I also love Rodney McKay. I really love the both of them together. And Carson is funny.

Ronon is hot- had no reason for that, he's not been in any of the fics I've been listening to, just thought it needed to be said.

How Did My Life Come To This?

2008-03-25T00:24:00.005-05:00

It's really a simple question- a very simple task. Find the moment in which all sanity left my life. Really, the solution requires no more than thought, sifting through foggy memory to find that one shining moment in which my life switched from one reality to another. One would think a thing like that- the leaving of one space-time and entering of another- would be something that would be easy to recognize- especially when that brave new world you seem to have be transported to has no semblance of order or logic as you once knew them.

Yes, it's a simple question, with an equally simple answer, but hell if I can find it.

My father believes that he is going to be offered a job in Witchitaw(sp?), Kansas, about 6 hours from St. Louis and all it's glory. Obviously, it would be completely crappy of him to have dragged Michael all the way out here in hopes of finding a break in the St. Louis music world and then, less than a full four months later, drag him six hours from said music world. But then, life is crappy sometimes, or so that's how it seems to me- hell, to be honest it seems to me that life is crappy most of the time, which just makes those few not-so-crappy moments all the more memorable. So, yes, I understand that it would suck for Michael to move to Whichataw(sp?). That part of my father's thought process seems to remain in the original space-time with it's orderly construction of logic.

And, granted, it would be sucky for me to have to move to Witchataw(sp?) as well. I mean, I have friends here in St. Louis. Really, when it boils down to it, that's all I have here, but it's better than nothing. I suppose life would not be too different being 6 hours from those friends than it is being here, twenty minutes from those friends. It's not like I go out often with them- not really anyway- and I have lived without enjoyable company in my general vicinity before, I could do it again. Still, it's nice to have the option of going out with my friends, even if I do not act on it. So, once again, I can understand the logic behind the statement "Swanky may not want to move". I am on the same page with my father there, but there it ends.

Perhaps this reality is not lacking in logic at all, now that I think of it. I mean, there is an obvious correlation between "this would be sucky" and my father's next stop on the Logic Express. Perhaps instead, it is that I have missed that particular train, still believing myself to be in the space-time in which undeniable fact is just that- undeniable. Yes, I believe that is it. It seems the reality that my life has entered is not ruled by fact but rather by very, very wishful thinking. Perhaps, then, the key to finding where the tear in space-time occurred and I was whisked away from my nice orderly reality with it's facts and logic and into this strange world which revolves around only the illusion of Logic is to find the moment in which the reality of my life became hinged on simply wishing something were fact rather than fact itself. Perhaps the problem is simply that even though I have been transported to this new space-time, my mind is still trained to function in my original universe, the universe in which fact is fact and wishing is wishing. I'm surprised entropy hasn't set in yet, considering the amount of time I have been functioning in an unnatural space-time. Well, I suppose I could have simply replaced the Swanky of this space-time and therefore there would be no cause for entropy in either reality- though I haven't been endowed with the ability to dismiss fact for wishful thinking, so the entropy would still occur because of the fact that I am a radical particle in this space-time. But then, perhaps that is the problem, perhaps that is not a fact here, because who would wish for the end of the universe due to radical particles, entropy and chaos. If Wishful thinking is fact, then fact is dependent on someone wishing it were so...

No mind, the basics of the situation have been stated, all other musings on the topic are both frivolous and useless to our current problem: the inability of my mind to mesh with this space-time's version of Logic. I suppose the best way to go about answering this is to expand my test area and see how much of my reality has been effected.

Does it make sense to anyone else why my father would go from "this would be sucky" to "I must keep an apartment here for Michael and Swanky and one in Whichitaw(sp?) for myself, driving six hours one way each Friday and Sunday to commute between the two, leaving Swanky with no form of transport, money, or livelihood for five of the seven days in a week, for no other reason than so that they do not have to move." Well class, does anyone see the problem with this logic?

Life is still sucky, no matter how hard you wish it otherwise. What is the point in making the rest of not only your own life, but two other people's lives sucky just to save one not-so-sucky aspect? There will be not-so-sucky things about Whitchiataw(sp?). It may take us all a while to find them, but they are there. What is one not-so-sucky thing to another, when your options are that one thing or a life completely full of suck? Does anyone know the answer? Any ideas? Don't be afraid to raise your hand, here...

Anyone?

Bueller?... Bueller?... Bueller?...

In case you hadn't realized about four sentences into this entry, I've been watching too much Startgate: Atlantis, with it's space travel and rifts between dimensions and really hot Aliens and snarky Astrophysicists. For those unfamiliar with the native language of M34-667 (aptly named "Planest of the Geeks), here is a simple translation for you, paragraph by paragraph:

1. Everyone I know is nuts.

2. I'm confused.

3. My father might be moving to Whitchiataw (I have no idea how to spell that and I am too lazy to look it up so I'll just use all the spelling options at once), Kansas. He doesn't think it would be fair of him to make Michael move there after dragging him all the way out here in the first place.

4. I don't particularly want to move, but what can you do. My father doesn't think it would be fair to force me to move either.

5. There is no point to this paragraph but to amuse me.

6. Back to the topic at hand: I'm confused, please help.

7. My father wants to maintain an apartment for my brother and I here and one for himself in Kansas, and I really don't see how that is (a) logical, (b) an acceptable option given that we are all adults and no longer need to be protected from the big bad world of REALITY, and (z) feasible given that we could barely make our bills with their spending habits when we have only one apartment to maintain, less commute, and only $5,000 less a year!

8. Can anyone tell me how it makes sense to try to blindly hide from the fact that life sucks sometimes and go making everything more difficult for everyone to save ONE comfort for some?

9. Anyone?

10. Bueller?... Bueller?... Bueller?...

As Promised

2008-03-13T16:12:00.002-05:00

Ok, so I promised to update with how my trip went. It was a lot of fun, actually. Enlightening even, but I'll get to that in a minute.

We left on Monday morning and drove out to Lexington, Kentucky to see a show. It was a long ride, six and a half hours each way, but it was fun nonetheless. It was just me and Abby in the car, and we talked the whole way there and the whole way back. Once we got there we only had a few minutes before the show started. I felt bad because I didn't help Abby with the DVD's and Cookbooks like I thought I was going to, but it didn't seem like she needed me and I was worried I would just be more in the way than anything if I went over to help. If she had asked me to take over the table for her so she could have a break, I would have done so in a heartbeat, though.

Anyway, the show was awesome. There was a brand new band there called "The Wands" who were these two adorable high school students who really reminded me of what I was like back then. They write songs from the point of view of a wand. lol that's exactly something that me and friends would have come up with when we were 17. They also do another band call "The Literatures" in which they write songs about all books. They played two songs they wrote about Julius Caesar which made me cry I was laughing so hard. They were really good. Everyone was really good, actually. Tom Riddle and Friends were hilarious, as usual, The Remus Lupins were energetic and lots of fun, as usual, and Gred and Forge got me really pumped about Wrockstock since the next I see them will be there. It was a good show. ^_^

I also had a nice chat with Stephanie- Gerald of Gred and Forge's wife- about the Beatles and the movie Across the Universe. I haven't had a chance to watch it yet, though I've had the links to it for months now. A few days ago, while I was at Virginia's, Opra had the cast on her show and they did a little medley from the movie. It was horrible and I was really, REALLY worried that this movie was just going to piss me off. Stephanie is also a huge Beatles fan, and claims that one of the guys in the movie was good enough to balance out everyone else, and that over all it was really good. So, maybe I will watch it... I'm still nervous though. You just don't fuck with the Beatles. o_0

After the show we all went out for pizza, and I have to say, I nearly died when they put the pizza on the table and it had a crust. The cracker-crust pizza they have around here is just... gross. It was nice to have some real pizza again. lol The best parts of dinner were (a) it was near midnight and I hadn't eaten since 8am so the food was AWESOME and (b) getting to watch Cassie click so well with Jen and Bobert. I knew they would get on famously, and they hadn't had a chance to meet before. It was great fun to see my friends having such a good time with each other.

After dinner we went to the hotel, had a little party- at which Cassie, Jen and Bobert got nicely drunk- and just hung out. I was really tired and bit burned out from all the socializing I've been doing, so I mostly kept to myself and watched everyone else. Bobert made me take a sip of his Vodka, Amaretto, orange juice drink thing- which was actually much better than it sounds- but other than that I didn't drink anything. I still had fun, though. I like watching people, so it was cool to see everyone interact, to see the band members getting a chance to just hang out like normal people without worrying about crazy fangirls and the like. Oh, and Abby and Gerald did "bible diving" which was hilarious. ^_^

After that it was all rather fast going. We went to bed, got back in the car and drove home. Again, I was in the car with Abby, and, again, we talked the whole way, Which was perhaps the most interesting part of the whole trip. Actually, it was the conversation with Abby that I really wanted to write about here. It was, enlightening, to say the least.

So, some background for you, in case you either haven't heard or don't remember. I don't particularly get along well with Abby. We clash because of our personalities. Not our opinions or anything- at least, not often on our opinions- but our personalities are very different. She's strung rather tightly, very emotional, very in-your-face. I'm not. She annoys me with the way she acts, and I come off as weak to her, which is something she can't stand, weakness.

Beyond our own issues, there has also been an issue with my friend Cassie in the mix. Abby has been very... well just not nice to Cassie recently. They were getting along famously, as they are very similar, but then suddenly it seemed like Abby had it out for Cassie. Anytime she could set something up in contrast to what Cassie was doing she would. If Cassie invited people go out somewhere, Abby would invite the same people to go out with her somewhere else at the same time. When we would all get together it seemed like Abby was trying to isolate Cassie from the group, changing plans to something that Cassie wouldn't be able to do. And then once Abby had Cassie friends away from her, she would complain about Cassie and try to make it seem like she was trying to protect us all from her. No one could figure out WHY she was acting like this, but it seemed that everyone noticed it.

I was very worried that Abby was going to go off about Cassie during this trip and it would become an issue. Cassie is the closest friend I have made out here, and I don't do so well when other people are mean to my friends. I was worried we would get into a fight, her complaining about or attacking Cassie, and me jumping on her for doing so. Amazingly, that didn't happen.

We did talk about Cassie a bit, and I think that I understand Abby a lot more because of it. Abby is worried about Cassie, this is true, but there is more to it than just that. Cassie reminds Abby of what she was like at one of the worst times of her life, if more hiding behind a bubbly exterior than an angry one as Abby did. I think that beyond being worried about Cassie, Abby is made uncomfortable by the constant reminder Cassie has become of Abby's own issues. I can't say that seeing this excuses Abby's behavior at all, but it does help me to understand it better, and hopefully it can help me to help them understand each other better.

Aside from the Cassie thing, being alone with Abby for so long was enlightening on its own. We have a lot in common actually. We've been through a lot of the same things, albeit mine to a much lesser degree than hers, and we hold a lot of the same views. Even the differences in our personalities didn't become and issue once I figured out how to talk to her with out making her feel like she needed to be defensive. I have to say that it seems that Abby is the type of person I could be very good friends with when it's just me and her. We still clash a bit in a group setting, but I did notice that the dynamic between the two of us was different even then after our six hour conversation on the way there. I think we are both more aware of who the other is, and better equipped to deal with each other.

I'm actually really glad for it. Like I said, I think that Abby and I could be really good friends on a one on one basis, and I'm looking forward to that. If she were more laid back, or if I were less laid back, we'd be damn near the same person in a lot of ways. It's funny, because Cassie and I are like that, too. It seems like I'm the half way point between the two of them, Abby being on the aggressive side and Cassie on the bubbly side, me in the middle. We hold a lot of the same views, have a lot of the same interests, have similar pasts etc. but we express ourselves in completely different ways. I think if we can all learn to look more closely at each other we could make one killer of a trio. Cassie and I figured out how to see each other through the hazy that is 'personal appearance' rather quickly, but approaching Abby has been more difficult for the both of us, and vice versa. If we can put forth a little effort I can see the three of us being very close and becoming one hell of a force to reckon with. ^_^

Alright, there are a few more things that went on this weekend, but in all honesty, I don;t feel comfortable talking about them here. Really, you most likely don;t want to read it anyway. ^_- If you have to hear about it, call me. ^_^

Until next time, my friends,
~Swanky

To my dearest readers...

2008-03-10T09:33:00.003-05:00

All two of you,

I shall be leaving for a short overnight to Kentucky in a few minutes and, as Francine keeps badgering me to update this thing more often, I felt I ought to leave a quick note to you here. This shall be a rather short entry, as I only have a few moments and a few things to say, so pay attention, for if you blink you shall miss all the good parts. All, please disregard the absurd phrasing of this entry- it is well before time that any reasonable person would be awake and I have only managed a few hours of sleep last night.

First, I am very excited about this little excursion. I am going to see three of my favorite bands tonight and severals friends that I do not get to see often- of course, I do get to see them more often than I get to see either of you, but that is besides the point. I would like to point out that I am apparently incapable of holding a normal conversation with the leading man of one of these bands without interjecting random embarrassing facts and stories about myself, the headliner of the second band has a strange fascination with making certain that I enjoy his presence which I find dreadfully annoying, and one of the two members of the third band and I have shared an interesting history consisting mostly of lewd acts in bathrooms. It should be interesting.

Second, I miss you. Getting to go on a short road trip such as the one I am about to embark on serves to remind me that I cannot take a road trip to see you, which makes me terribly sad. I love my friends here, I do, but I have to admit that I find their company a bit lacking when compared to those who know me best, such as yourselves. Perhaps now would be a good time to promise that, come hell or high water- a phrase I never quite understood the appeal of until recently- I will see the both of you before the end of this year. However, it still saddens me to think that said visit may have to wait until just before the end of the year.

Third, the levels of testosterone and idiocy in this house are starting to drive me a bit batty- so much so that I recently spent a solid three days visiting Virginia, dealing with a bratty four year old who stutters, trying to appease a new born who has an inexplicable habit of screaming every time you even think about putting her down, and listening to the ramblings of a woman who's entire functioning brain mass could quite possibly fit in the space of my right pinky nail. The most common thoughts running through my head for the duration were, of course, "I may have to kill this child." and "I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW WRONG YOU ARE!" Nevertheless, it was an almost nice break from the constant running commentary I have been experiencing about the connection between men, hormones, and the killing of braincells one could not afford to loose.

Well, I have now updated you on everything that has been going on in my life, and my ride should be here any moment, so I really should go. I shall post again when I return- sometime tomorrow night or Wednesday afternoon when I wake up- to tell you all about my short trip, I promise. Also, as I recently appealed to Francine about my lack of interesting topics, I shall be leaving a post about doorknobs in the very near future as well. I believe she has seriously underestimated my ability to wax poetical- or perhaps its more waxing philosophical in my case- on any given topic. I strongly suggest that if you wish to see more consistent updates to this blog that you leave a comment on each entry I post with a suggested topic. I am incapable of ignoring a request to write about something, but I have been experiencing a serious lack of life recently and cannot come up with anything even remotely interesting to write about myself.

Until next time, my friends, stay at least marginally sane.
Sincerely,
Me

Post Script: This entry ended up much longer than I thought it would be when I first set out. Again, I apologize for the wording, but I must make my boring life at least seem interesting if I am to suffer writing about it for you.
~Me

I which I basically complain a lot.

2008-02-02T01:01:00.000-06:00

So, I know I don't put anything up in here, ever, it seems- and honestly, I wouldn't be posting now if my phone hadn't gotten turned off- but as it is, I really feel the need to vent and this is where I've got to do it. I apologize in advance.

First things first though- Jade, if you are reading this, wanna send me an email at some point and let me know how you are? I was going to call you Thursday morning, but that's when my phone went off, and my internet has been spotty so AIM is sort of out. o_0 Sorry.

Ok, now, on to the bitching. Feel free to stop reading now.

My brother moved in with us. It's been much better than I feared it would be, but it's still hard. He's much more restrained than he was a year ago- which is very good- and I know he's trying very hard, but the stress of him being here is starting to get to me. I worry a lot about when he is going to finally go off because I really don't think I could deal with it, but I try so hard to make it seem like I'm not worrying about it because I don't want him to think that I am constantly doubting him. The strain of finding the right balance with him to avoid a blow up is starting to wear me thin. I'm trying so hard to be pleasant with him and yet not come off like I am placating him. He doesn't like it when people don't do as he says, but he doesn't like it if you come off apathetic and he feels like he's the only one who cares one way or the other. He doesn't like it when people seem to wary around him, but he doesn't like it when people challenge him, and again he doesn't like it when people come off as not caring one way or the other. Since he's been here I feel like I am walking a very thin plank, praying that I don't step too far in either direction lest I fall.

I also think it's been a bit difficult for him to accept the things about me that are different than he seems to remember- which must seem like a lot since he didn't really know me before I moved anyway. He hasn't really known me since high school. From little things like my lack of finickiness with food- he just cannot wrap his mind around the idea that I will eat anything, even if I don't like it- to my open approach to sexuality and my sarcastic/innuendo-ridden sense of humor. I had a conversation about my social anxiety problems with him when he first got here, and while I don't think he fully understands how bad they are, I don't think understands me having them at all. In many ways I think he still sees me as the unshakable kid I used to be, the one who could take anything you threw at her, let any caustic remark roll right off her back, always willing to step in and make peace often at my own expense, and always willing to put other people and their needs before my own. These days, I simply do not have the mental or emotional energy for that sort of thing, and I think that bothers him. He gives me weird looks a lot when something comes up and I react differently than he expects.

I think the hardest thing, though, has been that when he's around I feel... less worthy? That's not really the right phrase for it, but it's the best I've got. I don't complain about anything anymore because I don't feel like I have a place to be complaining. My phone is off for the second time this month, effectively cutting me off from just about everyone, but as I don't have a job, and hence no money I don't feel like I ought to complain about it. I do anything anyone asks of me because I suddenly feel like I'm just not doing enough around here. I spent the last three days cleaning the house just because Michael made mention that the floor needed a vacuuming. If my brother or father do something to hurt my feelings, I just let it go because I feel like I don't deserve better. And if Michael has gotten gas, smokes, and money to go out while I have been cooped up at home, alone, with half as many smokes as I would normally have, I've not said a thing because if I want to be able to go out, if I want smokes, if I want anything, then I should figure out how to get it for myself like a normal, functioning human being.

I know what my faults are, and I know that sometimes I am harder on myself than is really healthy, but since my brother has been here it feels like both those things are tripled. I need a job. I know I need a job, and a month ago a felt like I was really working on getting myself prepared for one. Now, I feel like I'm just not doing enough. I feel like I need to bite the bullet, be a big girl and just go fucking get one. I can't use any of these 'excuses' any more. If I can't get a ride to work, then I'll just have to walk, no matter how long it is or how long it takes me. If I have anxiety attacks, even panic attacks, then I just need to learn to deal and work through them. My father can't afford for me to go to a shrink, let alone for anxiety medication for me, so until I get my own job and can pay for them myself I'm just going to have to deal. And if I loose my job because I can't deal, then I'll just have to get another one. And another after that, no matter how bad it may look on my resume. At least I'll be working, contributing something, anything, to my own situation.

That's how most of me feels right now, but part of me, one little part that I had finally started to learn to listen to, that part is screaming at me that all of that is desperately wrong. That one little voice in the back of my head is telling me that if I couldn't even deal with going to school for a full day with out having a panic attack I am not going to be able deal with the pressures of working. Sarcastically sneering at me that of course I should push all of my issues to the back burner and just push and push and push through them because that has worked so well for me in the past. Begging me not to do it it because when it all starts out swimmingly, as it always does, and then I finally crash and burn, as I always do, there won't be anyone there to pull me back and save me from myself, and lord knows I've never been good at saving myself.

But I just- I feel like none of that matters. I feel like I'm just plain wrong, that I'm obviously just not trying hard enough, that at 22, almost 23, I should be able to fix all these things and the fact that I haven't been able to just shows that I'm weak, lazy, unworthy.

And I'm scared because I really, really, really don't want to end up where I was an year ago, two years ago, hell even three years ago. My father kept telling me, and I just didn't see it until I started to back slide when my brother got here, but I really have made a lot of progress in the last year. I never want to feel like I did a year ago again. To be honest, I don't know if I would survive it. I'm not suicidal, not at all, but when you wake up every morning feeling like you honestly have nothing to live for it's really hard to find the strength to do anything to keep yourself alive. I just don't know that if I reach that cold dark place I lived in for nearly three years that I would be able to crawl my way back out. It was so hard the first time- so very very hard. Painful and terrifying and it took all my strength to do it. I just don't know if I could do it again. I'm desperately afraid that I couldn't. A person can't live like that, they just can't. Eventually their soul will just give up and they'll... just cease to live, and soon there after, so will their body. I know, I was almost there the last time.

It's going to sound really really stupid when I say it, but what finally had me fighting back last time, what got me to decide to move out here and fight tooth and nail to get my life, a life, any life back, was just that- fear that if my soul gave out one more inch, my body would follow. Laying on the floor of my room, too tired to care that my stomach was cramping too much for me to stand because I hadn't eaten barely anything in over two weeks, light headed and the room spinning around me, and knowing that if I just closed my eyes and went to sleep I could just die like that, and not even caring. I almost did. I almost gave up right then, focusing only on my breathing and thinking that it might not be that bad to just go to sleep and let what would happen happen. I honestly didn't care- I didn't want to give up, I didn't want to stop trying and die, but I didn't care if it happened either. At that point I didn't have any attachment to my life- my life wasn't mine anyway. And you know what? It's wasn't the not caring if I lived or died that scared me into doing something. It was when my stomach a gave another painful lurch and I whimpered, but it wasn't my voice. It didn't sound anything like me, and I suddenly remembered that I hadn't spoken a single word in over a month. That's what did it, knowing that my voice sounded like that from disuse. Knowing that I could change that, that I could get my own voice back, and if I could get my voice back, then god fucking damn it, I could get my life back, too.

That was in August. By the end of September I had found my voice again, and was doing everything in my power to find my life again. By January I was moving 1300 miles away from everything I had ever known, trying to find myself again. But it was so hard. It was so very very hard. And I can feel it brewing again. Over the past year I've learned what to look out for as I've tried to fight it back time and time again. It's like this dark, cold cloud in the back of my brain, just waiting for the right moment to wrap me up in it again. I don't want that to happen, and I don't know if I could stop it if it did.

I know that pushing it all aside and trying to steamroll through these things isn't going to work, but I don;t know what else to do, and the longer I stay like this, the more I feel like I'm just falling into one more trap in my mind.

And today, today I feel like crying- and for the stupidest reason, too. I feel like crying over the god damned Super Bowl. I had thought, stupidly, that my father, brother and I were going to watch the game this Sunday together. Nothing special really, just the three of us watching a stupid football game, eating munchies and most-likely, generally being bored and boring. Sadly, I was kinda looking forward to it. And then today my father told me that he and Mike had been invited to one of my father's friends' houses and that it was a 'guy only' thing. They didn't even bother to ask me before agreeing to go. And my father had such a fakely-apologetic look on his face when he told me and I could tell that he really wanted to go, to do something just him and Mike, guy time or something, that I just smiled, nodded, and said pleasantly "No worries". I told him that it was fine, that I didn't mind at all, laughed and said that as long as he got me some munchies for the game I would be fine. Basically, I bald-faced lied to him. And with my phone out, and having to pay for the house phone minute by minute (and not having a job to pay for the minutes myself), I can't even call around to find something else to do that day. So I'll be sitting at home, possibly munching on so Tostidos and drinking cream soda, watching a football game I really have little interest in if I have to watch it alone, while everyone I know is doing something fun. Or at least, something not alone.

This is the fifth time something like this has happened since the year began- that I got my hopes up even just a little about something so small and mundane, only to have them dashed at the last moment. And it shouldn't bother me as much as it does, but it does. It hurts, and it makes me not want to get my hopes up about anything at all because even these simple little things tend to go wrong and leave me feeling like crap. It makes me want to cry, which makes me want to read a lot of fanfic, which scares me because I know where that leads, and it's never good. And there's not a god damned thing I can do about it right now. All I can do is smile and nod and repeat what seems to have become my mantra- "No worries"- and hope that no one sees past that. Because no matter how far I have come over the past year, emotions still feel like weaknesses, and weakness scares the hell out of me because with my mind and my life I really can't afford any more than I already have.

I'm really tired now, and I really can't think about all this anymore tonight, so I'm going to go to bed. I was going to apologize for bitching so much, but I know who does and doesn't read this blog, so I'm not going to bother, because I know that however much Jade may worry about this entry- which was not my intention at all- she'll be happy to see anything at all from me.

It is 9:18 on New Years Eve

2007-12-31T21:18:00.000-06:00

And I am sitting alone in my apartment, having just watched the movie Stranger Than Fiction and consumed the worlds worst bowl of popcorn, two glasses of water so over run with calcium that the little white specks nearly hurt when swallowed, and the last Reese's Christmas Tree in my house.

I did have plans, but as seems to be my luck, those plans were canceled. It's all horribly depressing- having been excited about the prospect of actually having something to do this year, of being able to see the year off with a bang, of the opportunity to 'begin as you intend to go forward' as it were. Now sitting here alone, while all of my friends are off doing something- even if that something is nothing more than watching the ball drop with their children and spouses- I am having a very difficult time of looking kindly on the coming year.

Or even on the coming few months.

There are worries I can't shake, bothersome questions about life, the universe and everything that I have yet to find the answers to, and a whole list of insecurities and failings that plague my mind with those unconscionable 'What If's. This is proving to be a spectacularly stressful New Year and I can barely muster the enthusiasm to see the night through to the dawning of the new year.

Perhaps I will just go write some very drab and depressing story, top it off with poorly written fanfiction, and go to bed early.

Then, perhaps, I shall make one last valiant effort to 'begin as I intend to go forward', call everyone I know and wish them a Happy New Year in sincerity before slipping into bed with a happy sigh.

But I doubt it.

Welcome to the Second Edition of The Worlds Biggest Procrastinator Takes on the Holidays!

2007-12-24T03:04:00.001-06:00

The Swanky Claus

A Cautionary Tale

The world is full of mysterious and unexplainable creatures- the Faeries, Gnooks, Pegasuses, Nargles and Dragons to name a few- but none more elusive or inexplicable than the Swanky Claus. Appearing only once a year, for no more than a week but no less than two days near Christmas, it is difficult to even prove the existence of the Swanky Claus- unlike Nargles which, while also only appearing around the time of the winter equinox, are known to inhabit mistletoe. And yet, even with the Swanky Claus' ambiguous nature, much is known about this nearly magical being through mythology and even some religious texts.

Much like Santa Claus, the origin of the Swanky Claus is a touching story which blends and bastardizes Christian ritual, Dutch tradition, and polytheistic mythology with an over abundance of soda pop. I won't bother you with the gruesome details, but suffice it to say that the Swanky Claus offends at least 90% of the world and is the second largest marketing device in North America. The moral of the story? Never mix anything of cultural importance with something that was once made out of cocaine.

While the beginnings of the Swanky Claus phenomena may be quaint and a wonderful teaching tool for young children, other stories about this thaumaturgical figure are little more than horror stories the likes of which even Tim Burton would be hard-pressed to make suitable for children. Terrifying tales of 13 hour shopping sprees at the mall or downtown, chilling chronicles of hills of wrapping paper and rivers of ribbon, appalling accounts of flying flour and de-veining shrimp! Oh no, ladies and gentlemen, these are no harmless fables of happy holidays and little elves! Even the burliest of men would weep at the sheer chaos that accompanies the Swanky Claus.

While children of all ages the world 'round are celebrating the name of Santa Claus, men and women all over the great state of Connecticut- and now Missouri- are bemoaning the existence of the lamentable Swanky Claus.

But not fear, my faithful readers, this horrible creature will soon be gone. And this year, as was much the same as last, and as it has been for nearly two decades, the Swanky Claus has taken pity on us poor mortals and deigned to subject us to her presence for only a mere Forty-eight hours! Ah, the relief! I know. You must admit, however, it is impressive that the Swanky Claus will yet again accomplish everything in such a short amount of time that us mere mortals have spent the past month bustling about.

Yes, the presents under the tree and the fragrant aromas of roasted chicken and pecan pie that float lightly on the breeze of a small Missouri neighborhood are proof enough that not only does the Swanky Claus exist, but she is a true work of magic.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL! AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!

My computer died

2007-12-05T02:36:00.000-06:00

Completely and totally. >_<

I am on my sister's computer now, but I can't do this often or for long, so I am putting this blog on somewhat of a hiatus. Iwill update when I get a chance, but I don't want anyone to explect that to be often. I should have a new computer sometime after the new year- before May I would think- but until then, my updates will be rather sparatic. As in no more than once a week, if that.

Sorry guys, but there really is nothing I can do. o_0 And I KNOW this sucks more for me than for you...

Until I can get online again,
~Swanky

Serious things to talk about here

2007-11-29T00:36:00.000-06:00

So, recently I've been having thoughts about my future. Things like my goals and how to reach them. What I actually want, and what I don't. It's been a very difficult to have to really sit and think about these things, especially since I have not been reaching the conclusions I once thought I would.

I needed to gather my thoughts clearly. Take a good look at what I want and exactly where I want to go. I thought that a good place to start would be to list what my goals actually are- both short term and long term. Looking at the list now, I notice that I haven't had a list of goals that were so vague in a very long time, and this worries me. I used to feel s sure of exactly what I wanted, and now, I seem to be as confused as I was back in high school. The biggest problem is that looking at my list I am at a loss as to what to do to accomplish them. The short-term goals are fairly straight forward- get a license, a well paying job (with benefits), move out on my own. I can see how to d those things. What I can't figure out is what to do about my long-term goals, as they are all so... wishy-washy.

I want to study religions, history and things like anthropology and archeology for a career. I want to travel to the places I have dreamed about my whole life. Places like Jerusalem, Egypt, India, the Far East, Africa, the Mayan and Inca ruins in South America. I want to do something that keeps me engaged and learning. I want to be able to look at a painting and pick out the social importance of it for both the time it was made and for ourselves.

I want to see and do things that are breathtakingly amazing- to me. I used to want to be in the Peace Corps, and while that isn't one of my goals anymore, it is very similar to what I want now. I want to help people when I can, how I can, and I would love to be an important mover of knowledge and information. Not at a teacher in a classroom, but as a student in the world.

I don't know where these goals lead me. I don't know what careers out there would allow me to do these things, go these places and learn all that I want to know. All I know is that my previous goal of working in the theater is no longer where I want to go. Theater will always be an important part of my life, but as a hobby, not as a career or a way of life. I know this, but it leaves me s confused as to what comes next.

I have spent so much of my life working towards a life in theater that it has become an integral part of who I am. If I am not the person that was so sure that theater was my life, then who am I?

I don't know. And I don't know how to figure it out. Well, it's late, and I should get to bed and stop rambling on. I actually feel better for having at least put this all down. Hopefully, I'll be able to figure some of this out now.

Well, until next time my dears,
~Swanky

Somehow I seem to have found friends

2007-11-28T02:35:00.000-06:00

Don't ask me how, but it's true. Last night (Monday night for those of you who don't know that this is a Tuesday night post already) I went out to dinner with a group of friends. It was nice. Rather than feeling like the one that shouldn't be there- as so often happens when I go out with other people- I was engaged in conversation and felt comfortable with the other people. I didn't feel like the popular people's token uncool friend. I even had a moment while I was out when I looked around the table and thought "Wow, I think this might be the beginning of me having a social life..."

After dinner, Casidee- my newest friend thanks to SLAW- and I went to see that movie "August Rush". It was alright, a bit over dramatic and too neatly arranged for my liking, but not a bad movie all around. Robin William's roll was not his typical, and the little boy is too cute for words, though. I was just a bit disappointed in the ending. It felt... contrived. As if it was ended in that matter just to make an audience happy, rather than holding true to the story and art of the movie. And I hate that. I like happy endings as much as the next girl, but I would rather a sad ending that feels like it fits than a happy ending that feels pasted on. Still, it was fun to spend the whole night out with Cass.

And, this weekend I am driving out to Chicago to go to a birthday party and a concert, which should also be a lot of fun. I can't wait. Though, I do have to say that I am glad that I get a four day break between the two. I can still only deal with so much social interaction at once, and if I had gone out to dinner on say Wednesday night, I wouldn't have been able to manage a whole weekend of people afterwards. I know it. I'll let you all know how it works out for me with the break between. I should be fine, but who knows, right?

Ok, on to other things. I just spent the last few hours gathering together things for this years Christmas blogging fun! I can't tell you to much, because I don't want to spoil the surprise, but you're getting a full advent calendar this year! It will be complete with story, illustrations and little gifts! I've been wracking my brain for downloadable gifts for you, and let me tell you it hasn't been easy, but I think I have a few good ideas. I will also be doing the 12 days of Slashmas again this year, but that will be hosted on my fanfiction blog and on InsaneJournal. This blog is strictly fanfic free.

The fun will start on December 1st and be updated everyday until Christmas. That's a full 25 days of Joy! ^_^ Aren't you excited? I am!

In other news, I've started looking for the perfect Christmas cards, and I can't find them. So, I may be making everyone's cards this year. I promise, they will be nice! So, if you want a card from me, make sure you send your name and mailing address to sjcswank[at]gmail[dot]com! It's not too late to be added to the list! Though, it soon will be! Get me your info before December 15 to ensure delivery by Christmas!

Alright, I think that's about it for today. I'll be back tomorrow with thought on careers, education, and life- mine namely.

Until then, my friends,
~Swanky

A Thanksgiving Story

2007-11-22T00:13:00.000-06:00

The World's Biggest Prorastinator Makes Thanksgiving Dinner!

An autobiographical story by Swanky

Well, boys and girls, another year has begun it's assent into winter, and Thanksgiving has once again snuck up on our friendly neighborhood procrastinator, Swanky. Yes, here it is, Thanksgiving Eve (which really ought to be called "Run-around-as-frantic-as-the-turkey-that's-about-to-be-cooked Eve") and Swanky is hard at work in the kitchen. Cleaning the oven, baking pies and cakes and cookies, peeling and chopping all manner of root vegetables, and chugging on her Smirnoff Ice as though it were bottled water and she a white man in Mexico.

Not an unusual sight, at all, this yearly dance among clouds of flour. Though, Swanky's language seems to be a bit more colorful this year as she washes and rewashes the few pieces of bakeware available to her. Seems her kitchen is not nearly as well stocked as she is accustomed to. It is certain that she misses her mother more tonight than she has all year. Still, her fluffy Boston Cream Pie has not fallen, and her Pumpkin Pie is as aromatic as ever. Seems she has not lost her touch in verbally assaulting her food into compliance, even if she has lost a pan or two.

Or more importantly, her two favorite blue glass, unfluted Pyrex pie plates.

Still, she heartily raises her bottle, toasts a quiet "Here's to you, Gran," and pulls the dead foul out of the fridge. Setting to vigorously ripping the neck from the spine of the once-feathered creature, one can hear the low growl of a woman in the heat of battle...

...And the language of a god fearing sailor.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, ALL!

Hey guys...

2007-11-20T02:06:00.000-06:00

Sorry, but things have gotten a little hetic this week, so this blog has- unfortuanate as it is- been put on hold. I will return on Monday with the pics of my Fancy Hat and a new set of recommendations. I am sorry about this.

I've got the Soul-Sucking Monster Fic of DOOM! to finish, but before I go, I just want to throw two things out here- which I will expound upon next week.

First, I've been feeling a bit... lackadaisical about entering the Theatre world. I've been thinking about my choice of career paths a lot recently, and the only conclusion I can come to is that it just doesn't seem to fit anymore. I love the Theatre, but it feels like a hobby, not a career, and I don't tend to mesh well with thespians, with certain notable exception. I'd say, 9/10 of the people I have worked with on shows hated me, the other 1/10 have become very close friends of mine. o_0 That's not great odds there... Anyway, next week, maybe I'll have some of this thought out better and I can work out how I'm feeling a bit more.

Second, I miss my friends. I have been reading my friends blogs- the ones that keep blogs that is- and I've realized something: we are all moving on. I'm not this ones 'oldest and bestest friend' anymore, or that one person that can always cheer up that one. Being so far from my friends has made it actually impossible for me to stay as close to them as I used to be. I know I don't keep in touch with people like I should, and that that is part of the reason I am not as close to my friends, but it really is more than that. For some of m friends, it seems like the only thing we have in common any more is fanfiction. For others, it's just a matter of not keeping up on each others lives.

Part of me thinks that it's that my friends are out growing me. This is an odd feeling for me- usually, it's me that out grows my friends. I know that sounds bad, but its true. Nearly every close friend I have lost touch with, it was because I had reached a maturity level that they hadn't yet. It's not really a bad thing, but it always made me feel bad- like I was being stuck up. But when you reach a point in your life that someone else hasn't gotten to yet, it cause a rift between you. I feel like its happening again, en mass, and I am the one that hasn't mature as quickly. Most of my friends are working, married, have kids or other responsibilities. I'm still a kid in comparison. I can't even decide what it is I want from life, at all. I can't even settle on a major!

I'm supposed to have graduated, be working, starting my own life. But I'm not, and my friends are. It sucks, because I don't like this new distance between me and my friends, but I don't know how to fix it. Its easy to say "well, decide what yo want, and start working for it! catch up to them!" Its not so easy to do it. Part of me is scared, part of me doesn't want to give up being a kid yet, but most of me is just really confused. And, there is a part of me that thinks that everything I'm going through right now is just because I'm emotionally screwed. That if I got help, and maybe even if I went on anti-depressants, things wouldn't seem so bad. I would be able to figure out what I want, start working for it, and not get left behind by my friends.

I guess it all just really boils down to the same as the first: I don't know what I want, and I need to figure it out. I wish it were as easy to do as to type.

Well, enough of this boring, depressing talk! It's almost Turkey Day! And I have a story to finish. So, I'm going to get some sleep and start fresh and new tomorrow.
I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving, and I will see you again on Monday!

Until next time, my friends,
~Swanky

I am a horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE blogger!

2007-11-17T00:30:00.000-06:00

Gods! And was all set a ready to make a post for Thursday and Friday, too, but my internet decided to take a holiday! So, yeah, it's not my fault... this time...

Alright, so, first things first: I have not worn a fancy hat yet. I know! Like I said, a horrible, horrible blogger. I just have yet to have a chance to get one ready, and I want to do this right! I promise that tomorrow morning will be dedicated to perfecting the hat, and I shall wear it all day tomorrow! Technically, I have until Monday when a new challenge is posted to finish this week's challenge, so it's ok. I'm just not being a very good "Something New" Role Model for everyone, am I? I will work on this, I promise.

Also, I love next week's challenge. ^_^

Ok, so I've been getting a good response from people about my weight loss. Thank you all for that. ^_^ It means a lot to me to see and hear you all being so happy for me. Gives me something happy to counteract the "stumbled to the bathroom without my glasses again and still look like a rather round blob" of the mornings. Which, really, have only started recently, since I really started trying t have a morning routine, which now includes pills and brushing my teeth. I must say, having an actual bathroom routine has helped me keep my bathroom cleaner! Don't know what that's about, but ok... o_0

Alright. The party was fun. I didn't get to bu anything, because I haven't been paid yet, but it was still worth the trek out there. Being social isn't s bad! Also, the SLAW meeting was slawsome, as expected. I had a lot of fun, my sister had a lot of fun, and now I am truly excited about the idea of having a Holiday Party. ^_^

That's right, there will be a Holiday Party in the not-so-distant future! I'm inviting all the people in SLAW- well, maybe not the creepy guy that showed up today. o_0 I kinda don't want him to know where I live... BUT! Other than that, I am inviting everyone from SLAW. And m father is going to invite a few people from work, and my sister is going to invite one or two of her friends, and... well, let's just say it'll be a full house. o_0

I've already started making a list of possible things to cook for this party, and things to make for little take-a-way gifts. I'll be making another post eventually, once I've gotten things narrowed down a bit, to ask people for help on those decisions. I know what I like, and what my family likes, but that's a pretty narrow view and I would like all the input I can get. I really want this party to be a hit! ^_^

Well, I think that's about it. I may have to work later, and Sunday, but I'm not sure yet. Will let you all know how hat goes. And next week! Next week we get our special Thanksgiving Posts! Complete with Thanksgiving themed Recommendations! Oh yes, it will be fun!

Until then, happy weekend my friends!
~Swanky

I missed you yesterday...

2007-11-14T17:26:00.000-06:00

Sorry about that! I was a bit busy is all... o_0 I starting my new job yesterday, and I was there ALL DAY. 13 hours of work. I left my house at 9am and wasn't back until almost 11pm... By which time I was just really tired and wanted to eat something and go to bed. o_0 It's not a hard job or even really a tiring job- I spent most of the day chatting with my friend Virginia and reading fanfic. lol. Can't complain about that! Though, there are a few weirdos that come in. Nothing I can't handle though. Virginia tends to get a bit more nervous around the downtown folk than I do, an she's no wheres near as polite to them either. o_0 The hardest thing about the job is not getting overwhelmed when there is a big line, and learning the lotto machine. I was a little annoyed that I was left alone in there during rush hour on my first day, but I managed ok.

Ok, I have some big news! I went to the doc today, and I am now only 198 lbs! I hit 232 when I was 11, and just STAYED there until about a year and a half ago. o_0 It's nice to be able to say that I am under 200 lbs finally. My doc says that if this keeps up, then I won't have to have surgery or go back on the Glucofage, which makes me ill. He seemed very happy about it all. ^_^ It's actually very exciting.

So, I am debating weather or not to wear my fancy hat to tomorrow's party or to Friday's SLAW meeting... I think that I'll be able to take a pic of me in the hat better at the SLAW meeting than at the party, but I would get it in either way. What do you guys think?

Well, I'm quite tired now, so I'm going to go take a nap or something. Stay well my friends,
~Swanky

I had intended for this to be a Mnday-Friday Blog...

2007-11-12T22:47:00.000-06:00

But it seems my blogging habits are harder to break than I thought they would be. I keep putting up my entries rather late at night, making it more a Tuesday-Saturday Blog... well, I will try harder. I promise.

I've updated this week's Recommendations, and put up a brand new Something New Challenge! This week we'll be Wearing Fancy Hats! Oh yes, I love it! ^_^ Thank you to Francine for her great input on this one. It's all her fault, for once.

Don't be shy people- anyone other there that wears a fancy hat this week, leave a post here and tell me about it! Show me a picture, write up a description, write some hat-oriented haiku, give me a piece of abstract art that represents you and your hat! Whatever strikes your fancy(hat)!

On to other news- because, yes, I have some. I have acquired gainful employment. That's right people, the worlds ultimate slacker has found a job! It's a slacker's job- part-time at my friend's convenience store- but, it is a job none-the-less! I start tomorrow morning, and as such, I should get myself to bed soon. But, alas, I am as much of a procrastinator as ever, and I still need to wash some clothes and take a shower. o_0 Oh lord, will I never learn?

I am also proud to announce that I have been made a Potter Noyz Superfan for November! Yes, that band I recommended last week, apparently, they love me at least half as much as I love them! As a matter of fact, I was just listening to their podcast "Harry Potter and the Mystery of WRock" and I realized that I am mentioned in every episode! I was impressed by that. ^_^ Yeah, I'm a dork. But I have fun.

Well, other than that I really don't have anything to report. I'm going to a little party on Thursday- a girls only, tupperware-style langerie party, no less- and I have a SLAW (St Louis Area Wizards) meeting on Friday. My sister will be here on Saturday, and I start working tomorrow! Whoa, this is a rather bus week for me, eh? I'll most likely sleep all day on Sunday to compensate. ^_-

Until next time, my lovelies,
~Swanky

Another Week Comes To A Close...

2007-11-09T17:02:00.000-06:00

So, first I shall give you my last Word Of The Day, and then, the rest of this entry is really just me complaining. o_0 Don't worry, I'll try not to turn this into one of those annoying emo-blogs. Just, sometimes, one needs to vent, yes? Well, today I vent.

Alright, today's word was:
Presage:
noun. 1. An indication or warning of a future event; an omen. 2. A feeling or intuition of what the future holds. 3. Prophetic significance. 4. [Archaic] A prediction; a prognostication.

transitive verb. 1. To indicate or warn of beforehand; to foreshadow. 2. To have a presentiment of. 3. To predict; to foretell.

intransitive verb. 1. To make or utter a prediction

"Although the enlightenment and liberation which had been expected to come after the war had not come with victory, a presage of freedom was in the air throughout these post-war years, and it was their only historical meaning." -Doctor Zhivago by Boris Pasternak

Ok, so I don't actually know how many times I used this word today. I liked it, and was using it for everything all the time. I know I got it in there at least five times, though. It was fun. ^_^

I've enjoyed doing this Something New Challenge. Remember to check back on Monday to see what the new Challenge and Recommendations will be! The Something New Challenge offers a presage of challenge indeed!

Ok, so on to the venting. I actually wrote this first, but then I thought I ought to get the word of the day in there before I went on my little tangent, so I moved it down here...

Well, it's Friday evening and my father is short one gallbladder and resting peacefully at the hospital- where Virginia ditched me. I asked her to picked me up from the hospital two weeks ago, and then Wednesday she agreed to take her cousin to visit their family today. They live about 2 1/2 hours away, but Virginia assured me that she would be back to get me at 1 without a problem. However, when I called her this morning to give her directions, she asked if she could come get me later, and told me to call her back around 2 and she'd let me know what was going on. Well, when I called at 2, she was playing bridge with her family and was so loath to leave that she had called a friend of hers (that I have only met once) to see if she could come get me instead.

Needless to say, I was slightly annoyed by this. I told her not to worry about it and paid the $30 my father had given me for dinner and gas money to take a cab home instead.

What bothers me about this isn't that I had to spend my money for food to get home, or that I got home so late and it was a big huge hassle. What bothers me about this is that Virginia has done this to me about four times already. If she didn't want to do it, she should have just said no. Or at east told me I would have to find a different ride on Wednesday. Granted, I would have still been a little annoyed, but at least I would have known and had money for a cab AND food.

I've never ditched her when she needed something from me. I've never told her no when she's asked for hep with anything, or for me to watch her kid. I give her gas money and try to always pay her back when she lends me money for anything. I've even allowed her to rearrange my schedule to better help her! Like when she decided that me coming over all day on Saturday to help her wallpaper wasn't enough, so she had to keep me from when school let out on Friday (after one of her god awful club meetings) until Sunday afternoon instead.

I went with that, because she's my friend and needed help. But I'm so sick of her selfishness now. When my father was sick- he had the sinus infection from hell- I wanted to make him my chicken soup, but she needed my help with something or another, so she bought him chicken soup he doesn't like and came over with it so that I would have no reason not to go help her. When I wanted to spend a day with just my sister and go see Harry Potter, she insisted that she come along, because she would feel stupid going to see it without a kid. When I told her that I couldn't watch her kid on Valentine's Day because I supposed to have a date-like-thing, she decided that she would drop her kid off at my house in the early evening and then come get him at nine since I stay up so late anyway. It obviously wouldn't be a problem for me to have to push my date off until ten at night, because her and her husband needed that day off. And then she was an hour late picking the kid up and my date was so mad at me because we ended up not having time to do anything! That was the only chance I got to go on a real date with that guy, by the way.

But she doesn't care about any of that. She'll pay for my lunch the next day and she thinks that makes it all better. She thinks that she's such a thoughtful and generous person because she'll give me rides home (but only if I'll cancel any plans I might have had and run her errands with her instead) or buy me lunch (but only if I help her with her homework while we eat) or "pay me back" for hours spent cleaning and wallpapering and painting her house with a cheap dinner at a Chinese buffet.

And the worst thing is, I let her! Because, don't you know, I'm the imposition. If I'm asking for a ride, well, beggars can't be choosers.

What the hell is wrong with me? Half-assed help is no help at all, right? I should think of it that way from now on, right? *sigh* Yeah, well, I'll try...

Until Monday, my ever present little Ryls,
~Swanky

The Holiday Season is Upon Us! W00T!

2007-11-08T14:22:00.000-06:00

So, I love the holiday season, and today, I got my Swiss Colony catalog in the mail, which means... THE HOLIDAY SEASON HAS OFFICIALLY STARTED!!! *happy dance*

So, I'm making my cards list! If you want a card from me, send me an email at sjcswank[at]gmail[dot]com with your address, which holiday you celebrate, and who in the house the card should be to, And you'll get one!

W00T!

~Swanky

Word of the day and catching up, in more ways than one.

2007-11-07T23:54:00.000-06:00

First, let me just say that even though I did not post Wednesday or Thursday, I did learn my new word for Thursday, and I used both it and Wednesday's word five times. However, I don't remember exactly how I used them... I'll post what I do remember, and both Wednesday and today's words now...

Tuesday: bete noire

I remember that during a conversation with my mother trying to encourage her to g back to school I conceded that classes were her "bete noire", but that she ought to try to overcome that. I also remember that when explaining to Virginia why I didn't want to go with her to pick up her husband from their store, I mentioned that malls were one of my bete noires. I don't remember the other ways in which I used them.

Wednesday:

Ubiquitous: adjective. existing or being everywhere, esp. at the same time; omnipresent. "Tearing his eyes away from the scene before him just in time to see a fair-haired man disappear into one of the back rooms with a man dressed in form-fitting black leather, Harry wished he were ubiqitous." In The Dark Knight by Minxie.

This one started with my friend Jade. This is one of her favorite words, and I can understand why. It has an appealing sound and is much better than merely saying omnipresent- which was always one of my favorite words to begin with. She brought it up to me on the phone while we were discussing this week's challenge, and I promised her I would use it this week. Then things just got more interesting when I saw the previous quote in a fanfiction I was reading. Learn something new, and you'll see it all over the place, I swear.

I do remember two of the five ways I used this word. One was to Virginia. While she was complaining about what her son got p to at school, I shrugged and told her, "It can't be helped- you're not ubiquitous after all." I then had to explain what ubiquitous meant to her, so I also spread the learning with that one! The other instance was during a theological conversation with someone in Babies-R-Us whom I had never spoken to before. That was also a new, fun, and challenging experience. ^_^

Thursday:
Agglomeration: noun. (1) The act or process of collecting in a mass; a heaping together. (2) A jumbled cluster or mass of usually varied elements. "This blog is really just an agglomeration of random ideas- much like Swanky's brain."

So, I shall use agglomeration at least five times today, and I will try to get both meanings in, as well!

I should be able to post again tomorrow, but I am not positive. My father is going in to the hospital tomorrow morning to have his gallbladder removed. I will be bringing my laptop with me, and if the allow me to use it and have Wi-Fi, then I should be able to post while I am waiting fr him to come to recovery. I make no promises, however, I will try.

Now that I have gotten caught up with my Something New Challenge I can explain the other way in which I have been "catching up" this week.

For a while now I have been increasingly withdrawn. It is a problem that I have, after a certain amount of time of engaging in social interaction daily, I end up not interacting with anyone. At all. I don't like this about myself, and it has become a large problem that is interfering with m life, so I am trying to change it. When I woke up the other morning, I realized that I haven't been doing a very good job with this, so, I've been focusing on it. This is why I haven't updated. I was on the phone nearly all day on Wednesday, and yesterday I spent the day with Virginia and then the evening chatting with my father. I only just got my first moment to myself in the past two days, and here I am.

It is interesting to examine the past two days. I didn't want to talk to anyone, but I forced myself to. I think the week and a half break that I had from having to deal with anyone helped me to be able to force this upon myself at all, since I had to drop my classes because I had been unable to d exactly that. But I also think that being able to hand pick who I was going to interact with helped. Either way, I have to say I feel a little better now. Not because of the actual interaction, but because I fee like I accomplished something. I forced m self through four panic attacks in the past two days, and still, I didn't crawl back to my room to hide. I did something that will hopefully have a beneficial outcome for me, despite a great desire not to. That I am proud f, and it makes me feel a little better to know that I can still win in life, no matter how small the victory.

So, I hope to be able to update every weekday, but understand that if I do not there is good change that I am out there fighting the good fight once again, and keep your fingers crossed that I come out alive and not in a straight jacket!

~Swanky

Word of the day!

2007-11-06T12:28:00.000-06:00

So, here is my new word for today for this week's Something New Challenge. What's yours?

bete noire: N. Something or someone particularly detested or avoided; a bugbear. "Never an exceptional student, Andrews somehow managed to navigate the academy's rigorous courses with satisfactory grades, though all forms of mathematics were agonizing to him, remaining what he called his "bete noire" throughout life." Charles Gallenkamp, Dragon Hunter: Roy Chapman Andrews and the Central Asiatic Expeditions.

And, here is how I used yesterday's word, Spoonerism:

I got lucky the first time. I called my mother:

Me: Hi!
Mom: Hi.
Me: I learned a new word today!
Mom: That's nice. Hold on, Michael's hetting the souse on fire...
Me: ...
Mom: Ok, all better.
Me: He was hetting the souse on fire? *laughs*
Mom: You know what I meant!
Me: That was a spoonerism, Ma.

Yeah, I told you this was going to be easy. My night pretty much kept up like that. I got three other spoonerisms from my father and my sister last night. And then I finished off the 5 times requirement by telling Virgina that in just a few hours, my family had provided me with four spoonerisms. So, spoonerism was easy to do. Let's hope bete noire goes as well!

The wonders of words

2007-11-05T21:32:00.000-06:00

So, in honor of this week's "Something New Challenge" Learn a new word everyday and use it 5 times before the day is up! I've decided that in addition to my new word for the day, I would share with you all some of my favorite words. I believe that words are a gift, allowing us to communicate with the world around us, and to unleash the wonders of the mind with spectacular imagery and captivating eloquence. And still, nothing is ever so one dimensional. Words can be silly or serious, confusing or illuminating, complementary or hurtful. There is no limit to the human language, if you have the vocabulary to use, that is.

So, with out further ado, here is my list of "The Top 10 Words Of The English Language"!

10. Zemmiphobia: N. Fear of the great mole rat. "I'm sorry, Professor, I cannot attend your lecture, Rodents and the Joy of Sex due to my Zemmiphobia... Yes, yes I have a doctor's note..."

First, I love this word because of the particular way it sounds rolling of your tongue the fifth time you say it. I also love the implications behind this word. The fact that it exists tells us that there are literally hundreds of people that fear the mysterious and elusive. And, it also makes me wonder, if the thing that you fear is fictional, does that not make the fear itself fictional?

9. Spoon: N. a piece of cutlery with a shallow bowl-shaped container and a handle used to stir, serve or take up food; formerly a golfing wood with an elevated face. V. scoop up or take up with a spoon; snuggle and lie in a position where one person faces the back of the others. "Mother, spoon some of that butter sauce over the pound cake, please."

Say it. Go ahead, say it. Again. One more time. Now tell me you aren't laughing. I ma have to record myself saying "Spoon" a few times, just to fully get this point across. It is a funny sounding word. That is all there is to it.

8. Kludge: N. a system and especially a computer system made up of poorly matched components. "Putting Vista on that kludge will lead you no where but the blue screen of death, mark my words!"

Not only a useful word this todays growing world of technology, but also this word carries perfect imagery. The formation of the word, both on the page and on the tongue, gives a feeling of the hodgepodge, dysfunctional, and "random organization". Personally, I think that it is one of best envisioned words of modern English.

7. Smorgasbord: N. a luncheon or supper buffet offering a variety of foods and dishes; an often large heterogeneous mixture. "Look at all this food, Vera! It's a virtual smorgasbord!"

Ok, who thought to make a word that looks like a bastardization of "Some more gas board" and then attributing it to lots of food? Do I really have to say any more?

6. Lisp: N. A speech defect or mannerism characterized by mispronunciation of the sounds (s) and (z) as (th) and (th). "It's just plain mean to ask a person with a lisp to say 'the sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick'."

I envy the type of evil genius that it takes to think to put an 's' in the word used to describe not being able to pronounce 's'.

5. Androgynous: Adj. Being neither distinguishably masculine nor feminine, as in dress, appearance, or behavior; Biology: Having both female and male characteristics; hermaphroditic. "Some people are saying that Hillary Clinton's claims that her failings in the recent debate were caused by sexism is ridiculous because of her androgyny."

I love this word, I think, because it is one of my favorite attributes. There is something beautiful about androgyny. There is a beauty that a woman possesses and a beauty that a man possesses, and then there a beauty to those who try to imitate the other. I love it.

4. Crwth: N. Crowd, derived from Welsh. pronounced 'crooth'. "A huge crwth of Harry Potter fans are planing to meet at King's Cross Station on September 1, 2017 to celebrate the Epilogue in the end of the series."

There is no Vowel! I love the Welsh, only they could get away with using a w for a vowel or making 'll' roll of the tongue just so. If you ever get a chance, you should have someone who speaks Welsh to say this word. It is a thing of beauty.

3. Malapropism: N. Ludicrous misuse of a word, especially by confusion with one of similar sound. "To say that that the election was won anonymously rather than unanimously would be a grave malapropism."

Based off a character in Richard Brinsley Sheridan's play The Rivals. Mrs. Malaprop continuously confused long words with other long words that sound similar but mean nothing of the like. Also, the definition has the word ‘ludicrous’ in it- this leaves no doubt that Malapropism is an awesome word.

2. Euphemism: N. The act or an example of substituting a mild, indirect, or vague term for one considered harsh, blunt, or offensive. "If you know what I mean..."

I like the sound of this word. Makes me think of all sorts of things that the rest of the world thinks of as just plain wrong but would be nice enough to say are simply ‘politically incorrect’.

1. Dreamt: V. INTR. To experience a dream; To have a deep aspiration. "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, then are dreamt of in your philosophy" Shakespeare-- Hamlet.

I love this word. It is invariably my favorite word in the English language. It is both a beautiful word with a beautiful meaning. I have always believed that dreaming is an essential part of being human- both to dream in our sleep, and to dream fr our future. Even to dream for our past.

And now, our new word for today!
spoonerism: N. The transposition of usually initial sounds in a pair of words. "Mom, pass me that gar of jarlic."

I think I should have sufficient opportunity to use this word today, since I do it all the time! As a matter of fact, that quote up there is an actual quote from me while I was cooking... Oh yeah, this is gonna be easy. ^_^

Check in tomorrow for a list of how I used the word and my new word of the day!

Are radical protesters becomng an issue in America?

2007-11-02T13:01:00.000-05:00

Last night on The O'Reilly Factor, a show that my father routinely watches, there was a segment on radical leftist protesters. Three incidents were mentioned: the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence interruption of Mass at Most Holy Redeemer Church in San Fransisco on Oct 7, the Codepink confrontation with Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice last Thursday, Oct 24, and the Paul Addis attempted attack on the Grace Cathedral, also in San Fransisco, this past Saturday. There was also another segment posing the idea that "far-left protesters" have become a problem.

For those of you who have not heard, on Oct. 7 two members of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, a well known charity that supports the gay community in San Fransisco, attended Mass at the Most Holy Redeemer Church. This was not just any Mass, however, this was the welcoming Mass for the new Archbishop of San Francisco, Most Rev. George Niederauer, who has been described as a "progressive", giving a much more lax view on many Catholic issues such as homosexuality and sexual offence investigations on other priests.

From what I have been able to find, the two members of Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence that attended the mass were both calm and respectful in their behavior, if not in their dress. There were no outburst, and the two claim that they fully participated in the Mass and felt very welcomed by both the Archbishop and the parishioners. The only issue that seemed to be there was a slight feeling from the parishioners that the flamboyantly arranged nun habits that the two wore were a bit less than respectful, but no mention of that was made during the Mass or during the socializing afterwards. It seems that the only real issue about this whole demonstration has come from the (admittedly slanted) coverage of the event by such personalities as Bill O'Reilly. Sister Edith Myflesh, Current Abbess of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, stated "We are dismayed that a moment of genuine communion during sacred worship is being twisted for political gain by the forces of hatred and dissension." (Sisters Upset Communion Being Turned into Political Issue)

I am not comfortable stating that this was a "dangerous radical-right protest", as Mr. O'Reilly would have us believe. Rather, it seems to be that this was a very peaceful statement. Do I think that it is the best idea to stage any sort of protest inside a church? No. But then, this wasn't really a protest, either. The two Sisters did not pose any sort of agenda while there, even. Perhaps their outfits were a bit less than respectful, but none-the-less, there was no issue caused until the media became involved.

Another situation that I feel has been exagerated by the press is the Codepink confrontation with Condoleezza Rice. A Codepink member, red paint smeared on her hands to represent the blood the organization feels Condoleezza Rice is responsible for, walked up to Secretary Rice, stopping mere inches from her face as she entered the room to testify before the House Foreign Affairs Committee. Secretary Rice did not react to the protester, nor to the woman's insistence that Secretary Rice is a "war-criminal". The Codepink protester was immediately removed from the room, along with other Codepink members from the audience. The following videos show parts of the hearing before the confrontation, during and after.

It does not appear to me that this protest was dangerous, however, I will say that I believe the protester should not have gotten so close to Secretary Rice. The same statement, with the same impact, could have been made from a respectable distance. Also, I believe it was at least as inappropriate to interrupt a Capitol Hill hearing to make a statement as it was to interrupt a Mass to do so. Inappropriate or disrespectful as it was, I none-the-less do not agree that it was dangerous. Again, I feel this was a peaceful demonstration, which might have benifited from a little distance between Secretary Rice and the protester.

The last "protest" Mr. O'Reilly made mention of was Paul Addis' attempted attack on the Grace Cathedral. I can't really comment on this, because, surprising as it may be, I haven't been able to find sufficient information about the situation. The most indepth coverage I have been able to find is this article from The San Fransisco Chronicle. From what I have been able to gather, Mr. Addis was apprehended late Saturday night on the steps of Grace Cathedral, with a belt of fireworks and small explosives. Arrested for arson once before, when he set fire to the icon of the annual Burning Man festival four days early, Mr. Addis has not made any statements that would connect his recent activity at Grace Cathedral to any protest group other than a passing mention of it being "his religious right".

I am interested to know where Mr. O'Reilly got the information that this was intended to be some sort of leftist protest. I am sure that his research team is much more thorough and experienced in dragging up the hidden details of a story than I am, but if this were some sort of protest, one would think it would have been covered in at least one of the local news sources as one. And yet, there has still yet to be any mention of a connection between the attempted arson and any agenda, left or right.

Do I think that Paul Addis is dangerous, that his actions were dangerous? Yes. Do I think that this lends to the theory that protesting in America has become increasingly dangerous? No.

I cannot claim that Mr. O'Rielly only mentioned the extremists on the left last night. There was also a segment covering the Westboro Baptist Church Law suit (The Baltimore Sun), however, I was unable to find a video or transcript of this segment on his webpage. Albert Snyder, father of Marine Lance Cpl. Matthew Snyder, who was killed in Iraq, brought a law suit against Westboro Baptist Church after the Arkansas based church protested at his son's funeral, holding signs that read things such as "God hates your tears" and "Thank God for dead soldiers". Unanimously, the jury found in favor of Mr. Snyder, setting a $10.9 million verdict against the church, the first successful civil claim against Westboro to date. Headed by Pastor Fred Phelps, the Westboro Baptist Church has a long history of such disrespectful, tasteless and extreme protesting, especially at funerals, going back as far as 1998, when they protested at the funeral of Matthew Shepard, a young gay man who was brutally beaten to death in Laramie, WY.

Do I believe that protests such as the ones held by Westboro Baptist Church are dangerous? Yes. They are dangerous not only because the spread a message of hate- something we cannot really stop because we all enjoy the right to free speech in this country- but also because of the truly grotesque fashion in which they are held. Can you image the pain that the loved ones must feel when they look up at these funerals and see these people? That causes a pain that no one should have to suffer. I wouldn't suggest protesting at Fred Phelps funeral, either. It's just plain wrong. It is not the time or place. A funeral is the place for grieving and support, not for political or religious protesting.

Do I think that the protests in America are getting out of hand, becoming unlawful or dangerous? In general, no, I do not. There are a few groups and individuals, on both ends of the spectrum, that have taken things too far, that need to be reigned in, but on the large scale I personally believe that there should be more people that will stand up for what they believe, weather I agree with them or not.

So, here is what I think: If you feel that radical protesters in America are becoming an issue, get out there and get your voice heard! Let the world know how you feel and why you feel it, and do so in a way that other people can look up to. Show the world that protesting doesn't have to become a nasty subculture in our society, but can, and should, be a great asset.

Perhaps, together, respectfully, we can make a difference in the way the world thinks. Maybe if we try, we can change something for the better.
~Swanky

Links in this entry:

The O'Reilly Factor: http://www.foxnews.com/oreilly
Article: O'Reilly 'Talking Points Memo' on radical protesters transcript: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,307612,00.html
Article: O'Rielly Segment "Far-Left Protestors Causing Problems" transcript: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,307677,00.html

Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence: http://thesisters.org
Article: "Sisters Upset Communion Being Turned into Political Issue": http://thesisters.org/MHR_Release.html
Archbishop of San Francisco, Most Rev. George Niederauer: http://www.sfarchdiocese.org/archbishop.html

Codepink: http://www.codepink4peace.org
Article: "Rice Accosted By Anti-War Protester": http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/10/24/national/main3402772.shtml
Video: Playlist of CodePink confrontation with Condoleezza Rice: http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=AD791FDD3E0AFC35

Atricle: "Burning Man suspect held in Grace Cathedral arson attempt": http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/10/30/BAGJT2QQB.DTL&tsp=1
The San Fransisco Chronicle: http://www.sfgate.com/chronicle

Article: "Reversal likely in protest verdict": http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/local/carroll/bal-te.md.westboro02nov02,0,4500443.story
The Baltimore Sun: http://www.baltimoresun.com
Marine Lance Cpl. Matthew Snyder: http://www.matthewsnyder.org/
Westboro Baptist Church: http://www.godhatesamerica.com
Pastor Fred Phelps: http://www.godhatesamerica.com/ghfmir/main/phelpsbio.html
Matthew Shepard: http://www.matthewshepard.org/site/PageNavigator/Matthews%20Place/Learn/Matthews%20Story/Learn_MS_Matthews_Life

What is a Wrockstocker?

2007-11-01T20:05:00.000-05:00

Abby Hupp, organizer of Wrockstock Spooktacular 2007, left an amazing blog today on her myspace page telling the world what it takes to be a "Wrockstocker". I was very moved my her entry, and I wanted to share it with you all, to show you all exactly why I am so in love with this group of people. I'll just put my favorite snipits here, but please, click on the link so you can read the whole entry. It really is moving.

Myspace.com Blogs - What is a Wrockstocker? - Wrockstock Spooktacular MySpace Blog

"To be a Wrockstocker, you do not have to have attended Wrockstock, but you should already be most of the following things... the rest will come... that's what this community is all about. All of us learning and growing as human beings, together...

"1. Generous. With their time, their hearts, their minds and on occasion, with their spare money...

"2. Respectful.... of themselves and others. Those with no self respect cannot respect others. Treat yourself with the same love and kind[n]ess that you give to your friends. Speak up if your friends are disrespecting themselves or others...

"3. Caring. Comforting a total stranger, saying "I love you" to someone who really needs to hear it, helping someone in need despite your own issues, these are how you spread love in this world. Performing random acts of kind[n]ess and making a habit out of it. This is the little stuff that can make a world of difference...

"4. Tolerant. Of each other, of the world, of "Muggles", even of Wal-Mart...

"5. Funny and/or fun loving. We use humor to raise awareness, to ease our pain and to show our appreciation for each other, differences and all...

"6. Concerned about the world. ... If the news makes you cry, if you want to grab President Bush by his short hairs and shake him til the money runs down his thighs, if you would spend your spring break building houses in New Orleans, if you would march your straight behind down main street in a Gay Rights parade, if you are sick and tired of seeing piles of dead children on the side of the road all over the continent of Africa, tired of seeing 12 year old boys who are the foot soldiers for drug trafficking warlords in South America, if you hate seeing women being mistreated in [A]sian and [M]iddle [E]astern countries, if you hate that Walmart is turning countless [C]hinese people into soul[l]ess slaves to the system and keeping them in giant chicken-coop like dormitories, if you are sick of seeing the gay kid in your art class getting hassled, anything that makes you angry about the world, anything that makes you wish you could do something about it..... you can. We did, we do and we will."

Abby is completely right. That is what Wrockstock was all about, at least for most of us. It wasn't about the bands or Harry Potter. It wasn't about the costumes or the fangirling. It was about the joy and the fact that we were helping to raise money for The Harry Potter Alliance (HPA). It was about making a difference in the world, weather just by adding you money to the HPA pot, or by brightening the lives of the Wrockstockers around you. It was amazing to be a part of, inspiring to see, and humbling to know that there are so man people in the world who actually care.

For some time now, I have been disenchanted with my generation. We are the future of this world, and all around us the world is falling apart. This is not different from any other generation, the world is always falling apart, or at least seems to be. Regardless, we are responsible for trying to change that which we don't like about our world, and we haven't.

It is encouraging to see that there are people who are interested in changing the world. Who are willing to sacrifice time and energy, among other things, to make a difference. If the Wrockstockers of the world, and the HPA, keep growing and spreading their love and drive, there may be hope for our generation yet.

I'll be blogging more about the HPA later I'm sure. What exactly it is, what they stand for and why its swiftly becoming so important to me. I hope that anyone who reads this at least takes the time to visit the HPA and find out some more about this great organization. And if the above attributes discribe you, perhaps you should look into Wrockstock 2008. It's going to be a blast, full of love, motivation, and hope for the world.

~Swanky

Links:

Myspace.com Blogs - What is a Wrockstocker? - Wrockstock Spooktacular MySpace Blog

Wrockstock Spooktacular 2007

Wrockstock at Myspace

The Harry Potter Alliance

HPA at Myspace

Harry Potter and the Muggle Activists- by Andrew Slack- A wonderful article about the HPA by organizer Andrew Slack.

Happy Halloween!!

2007-10-31T12:02:00.000-05:00

Happy Halloween to everyone out there in cyberland! I do love this holiday. ^_^ Costumes are so much fun! Though, I will say that it never made sense for me to really love Halloween, since I don't really like candy much... But, Halloween comes with costumes and cute little kids, apple cider and hay rides, haunted houses and piles of dried leaves to jump in... Yeah, it's a nice holiday.

Fall is finally upon us here in the Mid-West. I do miss living in the North East, fall comes earlier there and is just so... pretty. And I miss living in a place where I know where to go. My yearly trip to the graveyard to sing to the dead peoples, the best haunted house in the world- if for no other reason than because I know everyone who works there- the old lady that always set aside a 'kids room' at her Halloween party so we could come in and have cider and popcorn balls and candied apples without being disturbed by the 70 year old people dressed in "sexy costumes"... Halloween was never boring in Connecticut, I must say that.

Well, I'll be spending the night at my friend's house, helping her hand out candy to all the munchkins and entertain her family. It won't be quite as good at the disturbing- yet still sweet- old lady, but it'll have to do.

You know, I always wanted to be like that old lady when I was younger. She just seemed like she must have had such a fun life, and that she wasn't going to let a little thing like age stop her from enjoying life. I'd like to think that I'll be like that when I'm older.

So this year, I am dedicating Halloween to the little old lady with the best apple cider in the world and a spirit that's no older than 20. May we all be as happy and carefree as her this year.

Happy Halloween, y'all! Stay fresh!
~Swanky

Story: Blithe

2007-10-30T12:51:00.000-05:00

A while back I took a creative writing class. It was a lot of fun, and I wrote quite a few short pieces for it, so I thought I would share them with you.

This was the first assignment, which was to write a story which follows someone. I chose one of the many actors at our local Renaissance Fair, and the title is his character name. I hope you enjoy it!

Title: Blithe
Date: 10/13/05
Assignment: Follow Someone

Blithe

His leaves blow about him wildly in the strong autumn breeze. His face, painted with grain designs in brown and greens, shows how he loves his work. Children giggle and point as he passes them. Mothers and father cling tightly to their little ones as they try to follow the man in his strange costume. Brutal teenagers laugh at what they think is his misfortune; to have to be The Treeman must be a fate worse than death. But he always gets the last laugh, jumping out from a well hidden nook amongst the other trees, making the toughest of the boys squeal with fright. He has done this for many years, has mastered the art of being The Treeman. The Faire would not be the same without him.

He slips silently into the little trailer, moving as gracefully as ever. With the utmost care he removed his leaves and branches, his makeup and tattered clothes. He emerges back into the world as just another faire-goer, making his way home after a long day of games and food and shopping. No one notices that with each step his tall frame seems to sway with the breeze. Unconsciously, the children stare at him as their parents drag them off, away from the magic of the faire, to be washed and fed and put to bed. As he makes his way out of the painted wooden gates he is all graceful nods and smooth gestures, waving his farewells to the other members of the staff, silently congratulating them on another well worked faire day. He drives his small car the short distance to his quant home, taking the back roads. He is surrounded by trees, and he is comfortable, after all these years.

He bounds from the car, excited that for once he is Home and not at some dingy hotel in God only knows where. Its dinner time, and he can already smell the sweet sausage as it cooks. Everyone is inside, most likely washing up for their coming meal. Making as little noise as possible, he creeps into the house and sneaks upstairs. He can hear his children splashing each other in the bathroom, but practices great restraint and continues to his own room to ready for the meal. He is not supposed to be home yet, but the Faire will continue short The Treeman tonight. He listens contentedly as his children race down the stairs to their dinner. He slowly sneaks down after them, careful to avoid that third step; it squeaks. Tonight he would sit down to eat, surrounded by his beloved family, as nothing other than himself. Tonight, The Treeman can rest.

Authors Note: Blithe is the name of a mythical forest fairy/spirit from English medieval folklore. He is portrayed as ‘The Treeman, Blithe’ at several Renaissance Faires, namely The Connecticut Renaissance Faire.

Because I can

2007-10-30T00:51:00.000-05:00

Ok, so, starting tomorrow, I'm going to be posting my original stories to this blog. I'll put up one story per day, and most of them are pretty short. I'd really like to know what you guys think of them! Yeah, that would be awesome...

Also, my brain has been spinning with different ideas for the "Something New" section of my recommendations. I can't wait to do some of them, but I really want to have other people doing them along with me, so I guess I will have to. *sigh* If anyone other there has any suggestions, leave me a comment! We'll get to them eventually, I'm sre! and I know that in another month or two, my ideas are going to run dry and I'm going to need all the help I can get! o_0

Ok, well, I am going to bed now. For the next... week and a half or so I'll be updating this thing twice a day, once with a story and once with a journal post. After that, it'll just be once per day. Yeah, I promise, I don't usually update a million times a day. Just on the first day. ^_^

See you all tomorrow! Sweet Dreams!
~Swanky

Something New Challenge 001: Take a Pic of Your Life!

2007-10-29T22:54:00.000-05:00

me as Sprout- DDParty Fri 10-26-07, originally uploaded by Swanky o 0.

So, this is my random picture for "Something New Challenge 001: Take a Pic of Your Life!" This is me, dressed up as Professor Sprout from the Harry Potter Series- who is dressed as a mandrake for Halloween. It was taken this past weekend, at Wrockstock Spooktacular 2007, which was the time of my life! So much fun, so much love, so much music, and so much Harry Potter! It's a pretty good representation of my life- love, music, books, and costumes.

Things you can't see about my costume, but I want you to know are there: On my cloak (which I did make myself) there are three pins. Two from my cabin mates which say "The Cabin We Have Is LOVE" and "Wanna be my fanboy?" and then also my one pin from CatchLove to support ending the Genocide in Darfur. Under the mandrake there is a Hufflepuff crest clasp. On the skirt and hat are some flowers and sprouts. And the Mandrake had Cabbage Patch style toes, finger, knees and elbows, belly button, and yes, even a butt crack. lol

This costume took me a long while to do. Two skirts, a cloak, and that hat had to be made by hand. So much effort, and so much love went into this thing, and I only got to wear it for an hour! lol Yeah, that's me for ya. lol ^_^

Ok, so, if you've got a random picture that represents YOUR life, let me know! Leave me a comment and I will go see what you are all about! ^_^

Much love!
~Swanky

Wrockstock is LOVE

2007-10-29T16:46:00.000-05:00

The wonderful thing about having a place to blog where no one reads what I write is that I can be as much of an ooc mushy mess as I want to be without ever having to worry about my image.

Cause, yeah, I worry about my image a lot. /sarcasm

Anywayz! WROCKSTOCK WAS AMAZING!!! I cannot even begin to tell you how bloody friggen awesome the whole weekend was! The Lodge we were at all weekend was litteraly the Hogwarts of the Ozarks, Abby wasn't lying about that at all. The area was so pretty, and when you stood out on the back deck over hanging the lake at night and looked back at the lodge, the GIGANTIC fish splashing lightly in the black water behind you, and all the lights twinkling out of the windows... Oh god, it really did look just perfect. It felt magical there. And then you add all the great people who were at/working/playing the shows, and it was heaven.

We had a little set back because Rachel was supposed to be picked p from my place by 11 so that I could leave by 12, and her ride ended up being TWO AND A HALF HOURS LATE, but other than that, the weekend was perfect. I had thought I was going to end up crying like a baby when I heard "Snape vs Snape" by Ministry of Magic, but I didn't. I DID cry when Oliver Boyd and the Rememberalls played "End of an Era", which I didn't expect until I was there and he was playing his set. I still screamed with everyone else for him the play the song even though I knew it was going to make me cry at that point.

Like I said, so very concerned about my image.

I met some great people, and actually got like a million diferent ideas for fics, and I met great people, and I heard almost all my fav wrock songs, and did I mention the people I met? Yeah, it was so awesome.

So much so, that I have decided that I am not even going to bother trying to go to Wrock the Boat or Prophecy next year if Wrockstock is happening again. I can only afford to do one Harry Potter thingy next year anyway...

And THAT is if m father doesn't kill me because I am going to drop all my classes this semester because I am failing them all. Yet again. This is getting ridiculous, but I really don't know what is wrong with me. I just need to suck it up and go to class, that's what. No matter how much I do not want to sit in class bored to tears, or how much I think my teacher is an idiot, or how much I don't want to put up with the students... no matter how much I want to crawl back into my bed and hide from the world for a day or two, I have to figure out how to get my ass to go to class.

I need more will power. Anyone wanna lend me some? And could you send me some bravery, too, so I can tell my dad that I am dropping out for the semester?

And a fly swatter? We've had a fly for about 2 weeks and it is going to drive me insane and I haven't been able to kill it yet.

Anyway, I'll be putting my video and pictures up soon, hopefully. As soon as I figure out how to get them off my phone, anyway. Oh! and I have others on a disposable that I need to develop. So, yeah, funness to come, promise!

Later!
~Swanky

Tales.of.Swanky

Five Years

So, to be honest...

So, here's the thing

Things to Believe In

Wow

I did it...

I'm taking my toys and leaving. *huff*

Always use a condom when Role Playing

HTML Lesson #2: Attributes

So, Updating?

Cultural Expansion through Language...

Fuck.

Making up my mind...

Things I need to know for my next entry

'New Something' Challenging?

I sort of hate blogger...

Handels, levers, and pommels.

Ten random thoughts...

My will power sucks...

Things that occur to you when you least expect them...

Can sleep deprivation break your nose?

How Did My Life Come To This?

As Promised

To my dearest readers...

I which I basically complain a lot.

It is 9:18 on New Years Eve

Welcome to the Second Edition of The Worlds Biggest Procrastinator Takes on the Holidays!

My computer died

Serious things to talk about here

Somehow I seem to have found friends

A Thanksgiving Story

Hey guys...

I am a horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE blogger!

I missed you yesterday...

I had intended for this to be a Mnday-Friday Blog...

Another Week Comes To A Close...

The Holiday Season is Upon Us! W00T!

Word of the day and catching up, in more ways than one.

Word of the day!

The wonders of words

Are radical protesters becomng an issue in America?

What is a Wrockstocker?

Happy Halloween!!

Story: Blithe

Because I can

Something New Challenge 001: Take a Pic of Your Life!

Wrockstock is LOVE

I'm taking my toys and leaving. huff