A Cautionary Tale
The world is full of mysterious and unexplainable creatures- the Faeries, Gnooks, Pegasuses, Nargles and Dragons to name a few- but none more elusive or inexplicable than the Swanky Claus. Appearing only once a year, for no more than a week but no less than two days near Christmas, it is difficult to even prove the existence of the Swanky Claus- unlike Nargles which, while also only appearing around the time of the winter equinox, are known to inhabit mistletoe. And yet, even with the Swanky Claus' ambiguous nature, much is known about this nearly magical being through mythology and even some religious texts.
Much like Santa Claus, the origin of the Swanky Claus is a touching story which blends and bastardizes Christian ritual, Dutch tradition, and polytheistic mythology with an over abundance of soda pop. I won't bother you with the gruesome details, but suffice it to say that the Swanky Claus offends at least 90% of the world and is the second largest marketing device in North America. The moral of the story? Never mix anything of cultural importance with something that was once made out of cocaine.
While the beginnings of the Swanky Claus phenomena may be quaint and a wonderful teaching tool for young children, other stories about this thaumaturgical figure are little more than horror stories the likes of which even Tim Burton would be hard-pressed to make suitable for for the little ones. Terrifying tales of 13 hour shopping sprees at the mall and downtown, chilling chronicles of hills of wrapping paper and rivers of ribbon, appalling accounts of flying flour and de-veining shrimp! Oh no, ladies and gentlemen, these are no harmless fables of happy holidays and little elves! Even the burliest of men would weep at the sheer chaos that accompanies the Swanky Claus.
While children of all ages the world 'round are celebrating the name of Santa Claus, men and women all over the great state of Connecticut- and now Missouri- are bemoaning the existence of the lamentable Swanky Claus.
But not to fear, my faithful readers, this horrible creature will soon be gone. And this year, much the same as last, and as it has been for nearly two decades, the Swanky Claus has taken pity on us poor mortals and deigned to subject us to her presence for only a mere forty-eight hours! Ah, the relief! I know. You must admit, however, it is impressive that the Swanky Claus will yet again accomplish everything that us mere mortals have spent the past month bustling about in such a short amount of time.
Yes, the presents under the tree and the fragrant aromas of roasted chicken and pecan pie that float lightly on the breeze of a small Missouri neighborhood are proof enough that not only does the Swanky Claus exist, she is a true work of magic.
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL! AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!
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