So, I had a terrible weekend. Seriously, if I had to rate this past weekend compaired to other horrible days/weeks/months/whatever in my life I would have to say that it's most likely THE WORST weekend of my life... possibly the second worst. I'm still not sure.
So, the weekend started with a three hour drive in which Cassie and Pat snarked at each other the whole time. And that that adorable fannon!Snape "affection and humor behind a mask of malice" sort of snarking, but the cannon!Snape "true malice vaguely hiddne behind a transparent wall of humor" sort of snarking. The whole time I kept thinking "I don't want to be here. I want to go home. Is it over yet?" And that didn't change after we actually GOT to the lodge either.
Then, about 18 hours or so after we got there, I had a massive panic attack in front of 300 people. Yeah. that was fun. It lasted a good 45 minutes all told, and to be honest, it didn't go away, just died down enough that I could function again. I actually cried. I couldn't stand for god's sake. It was bad. And then I felt horrible for making Cassie and Pat's weekend even worse and for being even less helpful to Paul and Steph than I was to begin with.
And then the worst part was that the next day everyone I knew (which was a lot of people) kept giving me these nervous pitying looks. And all I could see all weekend were my friend crammed into the front row having a blast and I couldn't go join them because I had to work. And there were SO MANY people there. Have you ever felt utterly alone in a room full of people? Well, I was feeling utterly alone at a concert for my favorites bands with 300 other people around. It sucked.
I ended up having to leave just after the very last set started because I could feel the anxiety building back up to unmanageable levels I almost cried again. And my right hand and leg would not stop shaking no matter what I did and... god, it was like a 24 hour panic attack and I couldn't deal. So I left to call my father at 11:30 on Sunday night to go home. We finally got back around 4am and I have been completely wiped ever since.
I should call the places that I filled out applications at before I left. I should work more on the programing course. I should call Abby and Paul and apologize for leaving early and not staying to help clean up and all. I couldn't deal with the building anymore and I just... left and didn't come back. I should be doing SOMETHING today, but all I want to do is read some fanfic and go back to bed. I've been trying not to do that because I know it's a bad thing, but...
You know what I really want? I really want someone to cuddle with. I got home and just crawled into bed and wrapped myself around my tigger and went to sleep. And then Cassie called me to tell me about how much fun she had at the party on Sunday night and who hooked up with who and all I could think was how pissed I was that I didn't stay. I mean, what would have really been the difference between going home at 2am on Sunday night or going home at 2pm on Monday? But I just... to be honest, I just couldn't face the ride home with them. They were really helpful with the whole panic attack, Cassie and Pat both, but... I felt so bad about it and I just didn't want to have to sit there for three hours with the driving need to apologize for something I really couldn't control. And the party wouldn't have been that awesome for me. I would have just sat there and watched all my friends have fun... again.
So, yeah, I really just want a hug. A sleeping hug, even. I want to go back to bed and not have to be alone. But since that's not an option, I just want to back to bed. I'm trying not to, but really, it's a losing battle. And god, my legs and back and neck and chest all hurt SO MUCH. Luckily, my stomach stopped hurting not long after my father got there to get me. And the lightheadedness dissipated soon after I got home. But I still feel like shit, inside and out.
And really, how the hell am I supposed to have a job? I can't have panic attacks out of no where at work. I'll get fired! Oi vai. *sigh* Ok. I really don't want to think about it any more, so yeah, I'm going to go take a nap.
Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY JADE! I hope you enjoyed it, even if you didn't really do anything. I fully intended to call you and sing happy birthday but, well, nothing really went the way I intended it to this weekend. Still, I hope it was enjoyable for you! *glomp!* ^_-
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Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
Things that occur to you when you least expect them...
I think I know where my insomnia comes from. Well, that isn't exactly right. I think I know where my desire to sleep all day and stay up all night comes from. The days/nights where I don't sleep at all are a completely different thing. Either way, I think I have that one figured out, but I don't know exactly how to articulate it.
I woke up this morning and forced myself to actually get out of the bed- usually I would just roll over and go back to sleep until around 4 or 5 in the afternoon. I sleep on average about 8-10 hours at a time, but it's between 5am and 5pm. Some days I don't get to bed until 9 or ten in the morning and I don't wake up until close to 8pm. The reason I forced myself to get up this morning- and haven't let myself go back to bed despite how much I want to- is because as I was going to bed this morning at around 3am, I realized how odd, almost disconcerting, it was to be going to bed while it was still dark out. I understand that that is a bad thing and so, when I woke up this morning, I got out of the bed, hoping that I could stay up all day and actually start living on a normal person's schedule.
Which, really, is the crux of this issue: I don;t have a 'normal person's life' and trying to maintain a normal person's schedule only highlights that fact.
I have been sitting here all day battling a strange sense of restlessness that I never have. Ever. I am not a very restless person. I spend most of my time alone, inside, sitting still even, and it rarely if ever bothers me. Today, not so much. Today I keep looking at the clock and marveling that it has only been 15 minutes since the last time I looked. I keep hearing the cars outside, the ring of a phone in someone else's apartment, a far off radio somewhere else in the complex, and thinking that I ought to be doing something. I'm reading fanfiction and all I can think is 'Why are you still persisting in wasting all your time like this? Shouldn't you be doing something? Something usefull?' But I can't think of what that something is.
And that's when I realized. I hide from everything by staying up all night. There are things that I should be doing that I don't do- working, going to school, cleaning, eating, exercising, cleaning, living- and those are all things that ought to be done during the day by societal standards. I look at the clock at 1pm and think that I should have just eaten lunch. At 5 I think that I should have just gotten out of work. By 7 I'm thinking that I should be just finishing dinner. But I'm not. And that bothers me more than I can say.
You know how so many people complain about how no one ever believed in them? How so many people have no drive because they were never told they could do anything? I wonder about the reverse of that. What happens when someone is held as the 'last hope' for their whole lives? What of those people who are raised to believe that there is nothing they can't do? Raised to believe that they were in fact above the curve, better equipped to face live and succeed.
General opinion would say that those people grow up to be better adjusted, have a leg up, be more driven, etc. Right?
That's my problem. I am one of those people. I was told my whole life that I was better, that I could do anything I wanted, that I would be so much greater than where I started someday.
But they were wrong. I'm not any better prepared to face life than anyone else. Yes, I'm smarter than most of the people in my family. I learned faster in school than most of the people I grew up with, most of the people in my life in general, and in many ways, I am still ahead of the curve in my life. I can name on one hand the number of people in my life now that I would consider to be as 'intelligent' as I am. But it doesn't matter, because when you add in all my other failings, I'm much, much worse off than most people I know.
I have no motivation. I have no will power. And that is what bothers me most.
Do you know how frustrating it is to know that if you just tried and kept trying you could do anything? That all of your failings are not because of a lack of intelligence, bad situations, or any other outside force. That everything that you have ever failed at you could have excelled at. That you didn't fail not because of some unchangeable force but because of a lack of strength and drive to change what needs to be changed?
People have told me that I am strong. That I have lived through so much and they are surprised at how far I have come. That I am wise and understanding and strong- always strong- and perhaps they are right, but that just makes it so much worse.
I don't know exactly how to explain it, but... I am very disappointed in myself. I am always disappointed in myself, and I am not strong enough to fight that.
So, which is worse? Having no expectations set forth for you or having such high expectations that you spend your whole life striving for them and never do? Is it better to drown in the feeling that you are not good enough and view your dreams as unattainable or to drown in the feeling that no matter what you do, it is never enough. With the first, if you are strong enough to fight for what you want, and you eventually achieve it, aren't you done? In the latter, there is always something else that you should have done. It never ends.
But I suppose, with both, you spend most of your life feeling disgusted with yourself, so what does it really matter? Read More...
I woke up this morning and forced myself to actually get out of the bed- usually I would just roll over and go back to sleep until around 4 or 5 in the afternoon. I sleep on average about 8-10 hours at a time, but it's between 5am and 5pm. Some days I don't get to bed until 9 or ten in the morning and I don't wake up until close to 8pm. The reason I forced myself to get up this morning- and haven't let myself go back to bed despite how much I want to- is because as I was going to bed this morning at around 3am, I realized how odd, almost disconcerting, it was to be going to bed while it was still dark out. I understand that that is a bad thing and so, when I woke up this morning, I got out of the bed, hoping that I could stay up all day and actually start living on a normal person's schedule.
Which, really, is the crux of this issue: I don;t have a 'normal person's life' and trying to maintain a normal person's schedule only highlights that fact.
I have been sitting here all day battling a strange sense of restlessness that I never have. Ever. I am not a very restless person. I spend most of my time alone, inside, sitting still even, and it rarely if ever bothers me. Today, not so much. Today I keep looking at the clock and marveling that it has only been 15 minutes since the last time I looked. I keep hearing the cars outside, the ring of a phone in someone else's apartment, a far off radio somewhere else in the complex, and thinking that I ought to be doing something. I'm reading fanfiction and all I can think is 'Why are you still persisting in wasting all your time like this? Shouldn't you be doing something? Something usefull?' But I can't think of what that something is.
And that's when I realized. I hide from everything by staying up all night. There are things that I should be doing that I don't do- working, going to school, cleaning, eating, exercising, cleaning, living- and those are all things that ought to be done during the day by societal standards. I look at the clock at 1pm and think that I should have just eaten lunch. At 5 I think that I should have just gotten out of work. By 7 I'm thinking that I should be just finishing dinner. But I'm not. And that bothers me more than I can say.
You know how so many people complain about how no one ever believed in them? How so many people have no drive because they were never told they could do anything? I wonder about the reverse of that. What happens when someone is held as the 'last hope' for their whole lives? What of those people who are raised to believe that there is nothing they can't do? Raised to believe that they were in fact above the curve, better equipped to face live and succeed.
General opinion would say that those people grow up to be better adjusted, have a leg up, be more driven, etc. Right?
That's my problem. I am one of those people. I was told my whole life that I was better, that I could do anything I wanted, that I would be so much greater than where I started someday.
But they were wrong. I'm not any better prepared to face life than anyone else. Yes, I'm smarter than most of the people in my family. I learned faster in school than most of the people I grew up with, most of the people in my life in general, and in many ways, I am still ahead of the curve in my life. I can name on one hand the number of people in my life now that I would consider to be as 'intelligent' as I am. But it doesn't matter, because when you add in all my other failings, I'm much, much worse off than most people I know.
I have no motivation. I have no will power. And that is what bothers me most.
Do you know how frustrating it is to know that if you just tried and kept trying you could do anything? That all of your failings are not because of a lack of intelligence, bad situations, or any other outside force. That everything that you have ever failed at you could have excelled at. That you didn't fail not because of some unchangeable force but because of a lack of strength and drive to change what needs to be changed?
People have told me that I am strong. That I have lived through so much and they are surprised at how far I have come. That I am wise and understanding and strong- always strong- and perhaps they are right, but that just makes it so much worse.
I don't know exactly how to explain it, but... I am very disappointed in myself. I am always disappointed in myself, and I am not strong enough to fight that.
So, which is worse? Having no expectations set forth for you or having such high expectations that you spend your whole life striving for them and never do? Is it better to drown in the feeling that you are not good enough and view your dreams as unattainable or to drown in the feeling that no matter what you do, it is never enough. With the first, if you are strong enough to fight for what you want, and you eventually achieve it, aren't you done? In the latter, there is always something else that you should have done. It never ends.
But I suppose, with both, you spend most of your life feeling disgusted with yourself, so what does it really matter? Read More...
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