My will power sucks...

So, I had a terrible weekend. Seriously, if I had to rate this past weekend compaired to other horrible days/weeks/months/whatever in my life I would have to say that it's most likely THE WORST weekend of my life... possibly the second worst. I'm still not sure.

So, the weekend started with a three hour drive in which Cassie and Pat snarked at each other the whole time. And that that adorable fannon!Snape "affection and humor behind a mask of malice" sort of snarking, but the cannon!Snape "true malice vaguely hiddne behind a transparent wall of humor" sort of snarking. The whole time I kept thinking "I don't want to be here. I want to go home. Is it over yet?" And that didn't change after we actually GOT to the lodge either.

Then, about 18 hours or so after we got there, I had a massive panic attack in front of 300 people. Yeah. that was fun. It lasted a good 45 minutes all told, and to be honest, it didn't go away, just died down enough that I could function again. I actually cried. I couldn't stand for god's sake. It was bad. And then I felt horrible for making Cassie and Pat's weekend even worse and for being even less helpful to Paul and Steph than I was to begin with.

And then the worst part was that the next day everyone I knew (which was a lot of people) kept giving me these nervous pitying looks. And all I could see all weekend were my friend crammed into the front row having a blast and I couldn't go join them because I had to work. And there were SO MANY people there. Have you ever felt utterly alone in a room full of people? Well, I was feeling utterly alone at a concert for my favorites bands with 300 other people around. It sucked.

I ended up having to leave just after the very last set started because I could feel the anxiety building back up to unmanageable levels I almost cried again. And my right hand and leg would not stop shaking no matter what I did and... god, it was like a 24 hour panic attack and I couldn't deal. So I left to call my father at 11:30 on Sunday night to go home. We finally got back around 4am and I have been completely wiped ever since.

I should call the places that I filled out applications at before I left. I should work more on the programing course. I should call Abby and Paul and apologize for leaving early and not staying to help clean up and all. I couldn't deal with the building anymore and I just... left and didn't come back. I should be doing SOMETHING today, but all I want to do is read some fanfic and go back to bed. I've been trying not to do that because I know it's a bad thing, but...

You know what I really want? I really want someone to cuddle with. I got home and just crawled into bed and wrapped myself around my tigger and went to sleep. And then Cassie called me to tell me about how much fun she had at the party on Sunday night and who hooked up with who and all I could think was how pissed I was that I didn't stay. I mean, what would have really been the difference between going home at 2am on Sunday night or going home at 2pm on Monday? But I just... to be honest, I just couldn't face the ride home with them. They were really helpful with the whole panic attack, Cassie and Pat both, but... I felt so bad about it and I just didn't want to have to sit there for three hours with the driving need to apologize for something I really couldn't control. And the party wouldn't have been that awesome for me. I would have just sat there and watched all my friends have fun... again.

So, yeah, I really just want a hug. A sleeping hug, even. I want to go back to bed and not have to be alone. But since that's not an option, I just want to back to bed. I'm trying not to, but really, it's a losing battle. And god, my legs and back and neck and chest all hurt SO MUCH. Luckily, my stomach stopped hurting not long after my father got there to get me. And the lightheadedness dissipated soon after I got home. But I still feel like shit, inside and out.

And really, how the hell am I supposed to have a job? I can't have panic attacks out of no where at work. I'll get fired! Oi vai. *sigh* Ok. I really don't want to think about it any more, so yeah, I'm going to go take a nap.

Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY JADE! I hope you enjoyed it, even if you didn't really do anything. I fully intended to call you and sing happy birthday but, well, nothing really went the way I intended it to this weekend. Still, I hope it was enjoyable for you! *glomp!* ^_-