So, here's the thing

I miss having an outlet for... well, life. See, I didn't have internet for, well, too long to think about really. And for a while there I didn't have a phone I Could Call long distance on. And now I don't have a C key on my keyboard (sorry for the Capitals but that's what I've got right now). So, most of my forums for bitching are obsolete.

No one reads anywhere I used to post things (really, no one has for a while but I Can't ignore it now). For the places I now post things, it's too personal. I rant online because I'm emotionally stunted and Can't rant to people I see in person on a regular basis. The places I post now are riddled with people from my everyday life. Even like, LJ, where I have like, two friends, one is my little sister. And I Can't Call people and rant over the phone because I am emotionally aware enough to know that Calling someone I haven't spoken to in almost a year just to bitch is so not Cool, and everyone I have been able to keep in touch with is local due to my lack of long distance.

So, anonymous forums are no longer satisfying because I get no readers/feedback. All other forums for bitching are too stressful because the only people I do Connect with are RL people. But I sill have things to rant about, things to work through, etc, etc. Fail.

So, here I am. I know no one is going to read this, and when I am done I will either feel the same, or worse, but it's better than trying to talk to someone that I will later see in person.

And how pathetic is that? I try talking to my friends- I've got some really good ones, you know? People I know I Could tell just about anything and we'd still be ok. People who would listen and try to give me what I need in the Conversation. And I try, I do. But I'm on the phone, or I'm looking at them, and I open my mouth and nothing Comes out. Nothing important anyway. Intellectually I know these people would never intentionally judge me or anything, but I just Can't do it.

Sometimes I Can. But that's, well, that's just well past my limit. And it's happening more and more, recently. In the past six months I have ended up at my friends house (mostly) quietly loosing my mind at least three times. Once, I just didn't want to be alone so I went there and slept. Once, I ended up talking about depressing stuff and trying (and kinda failing) to not Cry. Once, I didn't say a damn thing I just bawled like a baby for a few minutes and then got over it. That time I was told I freaked out faster than anyone else. Ha. Oh! and at least twice I have lost it not in person, too. Now, really? That's a ridiculous amount of freaking out in six months. And in front of other people, too. Not Cool. And always with the same two people.

And it just keeps getting worse. Because the more it happens, the worse I feel. I feel like I am being a burden on these two people but I don't know what else to do. And the last thing in the world I want to be is a burden to them. They have helped me out a lot during our friendships, and they've got a lot going on right now (always, but now a bit more than usual), and I just. I hate to make them more stressed and they are both the type of people that seem to get stressed when someone they Care for freaks out (but then, who doesn't really?).

And we have to take into Consideration my own weird stupid thing with emotions and trust and blah blah blah. Talking about my emotions is really stupidly hard for me. Painful even on the mid-levels. And terrifying. Because if I do that, if I go there, I am trusting them not to use it against me in the future. I am trusting them not to use it against me in the right now. But more than anything, I am trusting them to listen. I've found through the years that it's hard to find people who actually do that. They pretend well, make you believe they are listening, that they Care, may even believe it themselves, but they don't. Not that I expect that of these two people, but once it happens enough, you fear it from everyone.

So, to avoid the terrifying idea of talking about my emotions, the ordeal of freaking out too often, or the guilt ridden prospect of Calling old friends and doing nothing but rant, here I am. Kinda sad. But I guess I did it to myself, like always.

I'm unemployed and living at my father's apartment. Again. Yeah, tried the whole living on my own thing, wasn't for me. That's a lie. I loved it even when I hated it. But, apparently, I just Couldn't hack it. Made it a year keeping myself afloat, and another six months with what I would Call a drastic amount of help from my parents. Seems that no matter how much I want to be a productive member of society, I just Can't do it. Obviously there is something in my brain that keeps triggering that self-destruct switch. I've toyed with different theories on what and why, but none of them seem to fit just right. I Can kinda see it Coming now, but I have no idea how to stop it, yet. Maybe next time, right? Yeah, right.

The more terrifying development than living with the parents again is that I seem to be back on the fanfiC. I say that like it Crack or meth or something. For me, I guess, it kinda is. I guess it's not as bad as it was before, but then again, I think maybe I'm just better at hiding it. I Can still go a day or even two with out, but it's getting harder. I don't have the option of just getting rid of the Computer, I have to get a job and you Can't do that without a Computer around here (I tried). I try to stay away from it when my sister is here, but it's hard when I have no money to do anything and she reads fiC too. I'm still talking to people, and I'm Careful not to meniton fiC too much when I do, which I guess is actually a bad thing. I do it partially be Cause I don't want to be thinking about fiC all the time, and partially because I don't want them to know how much I really am.

I don't even know who to talk to on that front. I get the distinct impression that the people I would talk to about it, just don't get it. I'm not willing to try to talk to my mother about it. Despite the many Conversations I've had with her about how and why I went so far over the deep end and she didn't notice last time, I'm not quiet secure in the idea that she'll actually Care this time to risk that kind of emotional trauma again. I know my sister doesn't understand, and I refuse to burden her with something like my mental break down(s). And I really don't think my friends get it.

I mean, I Could try talking to the few friends I still have from before, but... Well, too be honest, they didn't know what to do last time I went down this road so they just didn't do anything and held faith in the idea ha I would be strong enough to make it through on my own. Nice to know they have that kind of faith in me, but not so reassuring when I know myself a bit better than they do and I don't have that faith at all. And my friends out here? Well, they didn't know me before, they didn't actually see how bad it was, and I think they Can't imagine it either. They Can't see what kind of impact it really had on me, how different I am from before, how hard I really worked at getting any of myself back, how hard I sill work not to loose it all over again. Part of me is glad of that. I remember the looks, the Careful words and whispered language. It was so much harder to be stronger than this thing when everyone is waiting for you to break, and laughing at how easily you do. I mean, really? FanFiC? What kind of addiction is that, right? Mine.

I don't know what to do. I want to Crawl into bed and stay there until I have Control over myself again, but I Can't. I'll never get Control back that way. I want to say fuck it and just dig and dig and dig until I reach the Core again and Claw my way back out. It's the only way I know how to fight this, give in, give up, and when there is nothing left to fight for, make a decision and do something about it. But I... I Can't risk it. I know I Could get to the point again, but I Can't let myself. Because I don't know what the decision would be, how Could I? And there is a lot more on the line this time.

I'd like to believe that even in that moment of 'do or die' I would pick 'do'. That I wouldn't be willing to leave my friends, and more importantly, my sister. But I Can't say that for sure. I remember that moment more Clearly than any other in my life. There is no friend, no family, no you to think of in that moment. In that moment you realize that soul-sucking space vampires are real, that dementors do lurk in the shadows. Every thing that ever made you happy is a distant memory and you're not even left with the sharp brittle edge of pain. There's just nothing. A gaping vastness that Consumes all, and you Can either let it dag you under so that you become nothing yourself, or you Can fight for your life, a life you don't even remember, but either way, you know it's going to get better. There is no way it Couldn't at that point. I made the hard Choice last time- I decided to fight. There was enough of me left to know that I didn't want to go out like that. For the first time in months I felt an emotion- anger. And I used it to fuel me, to get me off that floor, away from that abyss, and to dig myself out of the hole I had buried myself in. I don't know if there would be enough of me left to do it again. I don't know if I would even Choose to do so if there were enough of me to want to- it didn't work last time apparently, because here I am again. Looking down into the never ending blackness of that hole and just waiting to trip, waiting for something to push me over, and I don't know how to back away.

I don't know. I guess, right now, at 4:30 in the morning, there's nothing much I Can do. I guess I'll just put this out there, into the atmosphere, and hope that I don't regret it. I'm not even going to keep my fingers Crossed that the people I don't want to read this don't, or that anyone does. I'm just gonna put it out there, and hope that either way, that's enough for now.