Five Years

People always ask

Where do you see yourself in five years?

I don't know why that's the magic time frame, but it certainly seems to be. Everything up to that is thought of as 'preplanning', eventually added up to the ultimate goal at five years. Where do you see your self in 3 months? A year? Five years? Anything more than that seems foolish.

If you asked me when I was 20 where I saw myself at 25 my answer would have been so off the mark it's not even funny. God, the things I had planned. A bachelor's in creative writing and philosophy. A master's in Theology, Philosophy, and/or Theater. A job in theater, moving the world through spoken word- teaching and learning and living through performance. A portfolio full of prose and poems and plays and maybe a novella. Resume full of bit parts, community theater, failed experiments and volunteering. Friends I never talked to, acquaintances who would say- voices full of pity- "she thinks she's going to change the world", co-workers who would say "we're changing the world and they'll probably never notice". A shitty apartment in a worse part of The City. No license. What sister? Oh, yeah, her. I think she's graduating soon, maybe I'll have time to call next week. And I still would have been happy. Well, maybe not. Perhaps lonely but sill content.

I have experiences now I never would have, had my life gone as I once dreamed. There are things I wish I could forget, but nothing I regret. I wouldn't change even one heartbreaking moment. I try not to let fear rule my life, and I often fail, anger later burning through my chest. Why did I do that? Why didn't I do this? But in this one way, I am glad to fall to fear. I fear what I would not know without each and every moment that has led me here. To this moment. To this plan.

It's not so different than the first, but the changes are profound. Where do I see myself in three months? A year? Five years? A woman who has helped another find herself, mold herself into my favorite person in the world. A license, a car. The same car. A shitty apartment in a worse part of a city. Friends I couldn't live without, acquaintances who say- voices full of pity- "she thinks she's going to change the world", co-workers who say "we're changing the world and they'll probably never notice". A portfolio full of prose and poems and plays and maybe a novella. Resume full of volunteering and teaching and changing and being changed. A job. Changing the world through living- teaching and learning and performing through passion. A piece of paper- maybe two, hell, maybe three- that proves nothing but that I know how to work a system, a life that proves I know myself, my passions, my world.

I've recently been called a cynic and an idealist. I can believe both at this moment. I used to take pride in being a walking contradiction. I know myself much better now, and while I still am in many cases contradictory with the world, my family, my friends, even myself, I am not ready to submit to the weight of that contradiction. If a cynic is just a disappointed idealist, then I know what I must do.

So, the plan. Where do I see myself in three months? With a job. A part time job, probably in retail, hopefully somewhere I don't mind being. A place I would use the employee discount at least. Getting ready to make the first payment on a full list of classes at the cc. Still living with my father.

And in a year? Well, we'll skip to 'a year and bit, ok closer to two years' instead. Getting ready to transfer to a 4-year to finish off that little piece of paper that people erroneously believe says I am not an idiot. Hopefully a TESOL Certificate. Possibly still working part time. Possibly not at the same retail shop, discount or no. Maybe even volunteering for something I care about- leaning toward tutoring, ESL, and literacy, though other things are still very muchly so in the running. Stilling living with my father. Watching my sister graduate high school. Moving her off to college. Freaking out about being bored and lonely and scared shitless for her to Cassi and Pat and Francine and Tony and Virginia and Meghan and anyone else who will listen.

And in five years? Using that TESOL cert in another country. Hopefully one with some studies or digs or Master's programs that I'd like to get into. I figure it's got to be easier to get in if I'm already there. At least, I hope so. o_0 A woman who has helped another find herself, mold herself into my favorite person in the world. A life that proves I know myself, my passions, my world.

It's a loose plan, but so far, I like it.