Always use a condom when Role Playing

Hello again all! I have no idea who long it has actually been since my las update... two, maybe tree weeks? Well, either way, it's better than usual.

So, again, a fair amount has happened since my last post. A visit from Laura, learning to ice skate, Thanksgiving and totally disrespecting my elders, Even a whole bunch of cleaning... of other people's houses. Let's try to go in order...


So, not long after my last post (like a day or so I think) was the weekend before Thanksgiving. I went to a pot-luck style Thanksgiving dinner at my friend Abby's house, which was really fun. And had great food. Also, Abby is a chef- or at least, she WAS before her arm went kaput and she had to change careers) so, obviously, the food was good. I think the best parts of the day were having a tickle-fest with my sister on the living room floor, taking part in the filking of "Yellow Submarine" into "We're all part of the Weasley Family", and that when I asked Abby if she would like me to leave the little bit of my candied yams that were left she practically whimpered. It was kinda awesome that a woman who was a rather good professional chef for 15 years liked my yams that much. ^_^

So, that was Sunday morning/afternoon. That evening, we all headed up North to see another one of those Wizard Rock shows my sister and I are obsessed with. Now, my father had just been laid off on Friday. I was a bit down about this, and so was my sister. I realized about ten minutes after getting there that there was a good chance that this pay check might be our last chance to buy anything from a Wrock show for a good long while. Basically, I bought $45 worth of junk to make us feel better. I got a tee-shirt for my sister, a CD of wrock for us to share, and two cd's of the 'Muggle' band of one of the guys playing for myself. I say it was worth it. We felt better for the night, and if I lost about 15 bucks out of my next pay check from being over-drawn, well, let's say it was good practice of not freaking out when I'm over drawn way too often in the near future.

At least, the CD's I got were well worth it. I am sort of obsessed with this one band, from Mr. Matt Majaciamo; the Jenna Campaign. That's one thing I will always be grateful to wizard rock for- it's introduced me to a lot of 'real' music that could be called the Bob Dylans of my generation. Also, unlike the bands that actually get popular, most people involved in wrock are dedicated movers-and-shakers, very active in the world around them. When they write a song about the sorry state of the world, 95% of the time you can be sure they are actually trying to do something to change it. They sort of restore my flagging faith in my generation.

So, of course, then there was working on Monday Tuesday and WEd, and then my Thanksgiving prep started. I went down to get my sister and headed over to V's house after work on Wed to help her get ready for her very first time cooking Thanksgiving dinner. For 16 people. One of which was an ornery and ungrateful old woman who I wanted to choke. Instead, I just kept saying things like "Woman, go in the other room and shut it. You'll eat what ever Virginia puts on that table and you will like it or, god as my witness, you will regret it." She used to like me. Ha. She even thought to come outside while I was smoking to 'have a talk with me' about respecting my elders. I told her that I don't give too shits if she's in her 60's. It's really not that great of an accomplishment to live that long, humans have been doing it for millenia, and that if she wanted me to start treating her with respect she better start treating her granddaughter with some. The phrases "pain in the ass old woman" and "bite me" were both featured prominantly in that conversation.

On an up note- not that that wasn't really up note because, really? I had the time of my life putting that woman in her place every half and hour, and V had fun watching, too- I spent a good 45 mins after dinner sitting on the floor in front of Previne, V's Pakistani mother-in-law, trying to learn Urdu and Arabic and having her tell me how I should come visit her in Pakistan some day. That was lots of fun, actually. And it pissed V's grandmother off all over again. Because, you, this 70 year old woman should just learn English if she is going to come visit this country. 70. VISIT.

OH! And Pervine wouldn't eat the pizza we got on Wed night because it was cut at the pizza place with the same cuter that had run through the pizzas with pork toppings. Well, V's grandmother just thought that was ridiculous, and why don't they eat pork anyway? When V explained that the rule of not eating pork is in all three Abrahamic holy books, she exclaimed "It's not in my bible!" So, I, of course, had to prove her wrong on that one, and then she said, and I quote, "Well, that was before it was rewritten." At which I laughed tried really hard to end the conversation, which she wouldn't let me do. Oh, if looks could kill when I explained to her that she had just said that her bible had been "re-written" and was therefore, no longer the word of God, but the word of Random!editor Guys.

Ok, so that was the offical Thanksgiving- and yes, the food was all really good. Laura arrived later that night, and we had left overs with her, and then sat around chatting. It was fun. She was here for a full week and a little more- she just left yesterday morning. Here's a good rundown of what we did while she was here:

Friday, after Thanksgiving, I took Laura and Virginia to see Trans-Siberian Orchestra for their Christmas gifts. I was an awesome show- though I sort of which that they had done one of their other albums for the 'story' half of the show as it was the same one we had seen last time. Virginia, a music major who's ultimate dream in life would be to conduct a rock-orchestra, had never heard of them before. It was awesome getting to introduce her to their magnificence. She enjoyed herself, and so did Laura, so it was all good.

Randomly, when the narrator was talking about how man could wish on an light, not just a star, and one man who was wishing that he was not so lonely for Christmas, I got an idea for a Clark/Lex story. I HATE Superman. But I thought, awe, how cute would it be if Lex had wished for a friend on Clark's meteorite? Yeah... Totally random.

On Sat, I took Laura out with Cassie and Laura and we went ice skating. It was fun and I made a hockey player from California blush. Cassie's big observation of the day? "Wow, you are a lot more forward with Laura around!" We both laughed hysterically at that. Also, by the end of the day I was rather impressed with myself. For years I have been trying to learn how to ice skate nearly every year, and every year I injure myself and end up having to give up with in like half an hour because my ankles just can't take it. We were there for three hours, and I didn't give up, even if I did take a good number of smoke breaks. By the end of the day, I had even managed to skate the six feet from the last curve to the exit all by myself. I do have to say that a lot of that was due to Cassie. Never knew that learning to skate with someone who can skate and *gasp and awe* has some sense of balance would make things so much easier. ^_-

Later that night we went up to Jellystone Park (you know, where Yogi Bear is based) and drove through Santa's Magical Kingdom or some such. It's supposedly the biggest Christmas light display in the US. Or at least, in the mid-west. It was a lot of fun, and I even got Laura and Cassie to skip with me and sing Christmas carols like we were five. Again, Cassie was shocked by the difference in my behavior with Laura around. But, in honesty, as I explained to her, my look!-I'm-FIVE! act was all because of the Christmas stuff and OMG!SANTA CLAUSE! not because of Laura. Despite everything, Christmas is still my favorite holiday and whenever I am given the chance, I love to act like a kid for the holidays. ^_^ I promised Cassie that one day this holiday me, her and Virginia would all get together with their kids so I could be all childish for the holidays. ^_^

Speaking of which. Last week I had this urge to take some kids to the zoo. You know, kids who like the zoo. Ones who are still impressed with how tall the giraffes are and how weird hyenas look. Well, I made the mistake of mentioning to Cassie this while we were skating, and now she has been bugging me about "maternal clocks" and "getting settled down" and the like. She even had this huge conversation with me about how she thinks I am the type of person who would make a great foster parent. That way I could have kids, but never really have to have kids, since I keep saying I would get sick of being a parent too fast. I tend to disagree. See, the kids I would 'foster' would end up making it to the 'family' level in my head and I just wouldn't be able to give them up. In case people haven't noticed yet, when you make it to the family level in my life, there is no getting rid of me.

Ok, so that was Sat. I was supposed to work that day, but honestly, I just didn't want to. On Sunday Laura and I pretty much just hung around her hotel with my sister playing video games. Which is pretty much how the rest of the week went too. Go to work, go out to dinner, go play video games, go to bed, lather rinse repeat... But I called off work on Thursday and took Laura to the Arch. It was nice. There was no one farting at the top. We even went through the museum and bought ridiculous expensive and rather gross candy we have never heard of from the little 'pioneer' store there.

Oh, so here is the thing with the title: Laura bought a Wii, and extra controlers with these colored latex 'skins' so we wouldn't get our Wiimote's confused. Seeing where I came up with this now? Yes, that's right, while trying to get one of these skins on a wiimote for my sister, I made mention of how it was like a wiimote condom. There was no end of the "safe role playing" jokes from there. It sort of became our theme for the week.

Also, I really want an Xbox 360 now. Fable 2 is an awesome game and was SO MUCH FUN!!! Also, there is a Tales game, so... that's two games I would play on it... yeah, I'm broke and thinking about selling the systems I have now, so it's a marvelous idea to start lusting after another ridiculous expensive toy. *headdesk*

Ok, so, Laura flew home on Sat morning, and I took my sister over to Cassie's and tried to help her clean her house. Then, after taking my sister home and returning to finish the kitchen- because god damn it that kitchen was going to be clean when I was done with it- Anna got sick. Like, projectile vomiting sick. She was still sick when I went home the next day. Fun.

Monday, I went with V to the hospital because she broke her finger and didn't want to sit in a hospital waiting room all alone. There were some really annoying black kids there that did not understand the idea of personal space and if it weren't for smoke breaks totally would have gotten a lecture and most likely a boot the ass about how you don't sick you face in a baby's face.

And then I came home at like 11 o'clock and went to bed so that I could get up for work... instead, I woke up at about 4 with the same thing Anna had. Not fun. And I had my father call out of work, but he called the office instead of calling my boss's cell phone, so I got chewed out about that this morning. I wanted to be like "Yeah, Erick, I'm gonna remember to tell my father to call your cell phone when I'm passed out on the bathroom floor. Bite me." All I did say was a lot of mm-hmms and a few oks. Luckily, it was only a 24 hours thing, because I couldn't take today off as well with out going to the doc, and yeah... I'm broke. Like really really broke. With no health insurance. Like, my account is $111 in the arrears and I am most likely going to have to get a second job here soon broke. Not even like "omg it's almost Christmas" broke. More like "omg he rent was due two weeks ago and we never paid it and the phone is due this week and we can't afford it and my student loans are already past due and thank god my bank payed my credit card and put me in the arrears rather than making the check bounce" broke. Yeah, going to the doctor for anything less than life threatening is not going to happen right now. And I am NOT loosing my job because I took more than one sick day in a row with out a doctor's note.

Ok, so that was my little ran about being poor. On a more positive note, my mother bought me a coook book called "Hello Cupcake" and a giant cupcake pan! I can't wait for the first birthday ha come around. GIANT CUPCAKES. So much better than cake. Even if it is just a cake pan shaped like a cupcake. You know you want one.

And, that would be it. Here, have a link because it's awesome and I have to use this Zemanta program to justify having it in my browser:

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HTML Lesson #2: Attributes

So, like I said, this week's HTML lesson is WAY LONG, and I had to give it it's own entry. Also, It gets a table of contents.

No, really, WAY LONG

Table of Contents
Introduction to Attributes
The Anchor Element and the HREF Attribute
The Target Attribute
The Name Attribute



HTML Lesson #2

So, I know that Francine requested Tables for the next HTML lesson, but personally, I think that's a little bit too advanced right now. So, I'm going to give you an element that uses attributes, so that you are ready for tables in the near future.

Last time, I went over the parts of your code, tags and elements. If you do not remember this information, now would be a good time to go back and review. No matter what code you are using, the structure of tags and elements will not change. To review this information, go here.

Today we are going to add another part to your elements: attributes. Attributes break down a code so that you can customize it even further. Not all elements use attributes. For example, the elements from last time do not. Then again, there is not much to customize when making your text bold, now is there?

Here is what W3Schools says about attributes:

HTML Attributes

HTML tags can have attributes. Attributes provide additional information about the HTML element.

Attributes always come in name/value pairs like this: name="value".

Attributes are always specified in the start tag of an HTML element.

When defining attributes, there are three main things to remember. First, your attribute will always be added to the opening tag of your element. This means that you will add all attributes for an element between the first set of < and >, but after the original designation.

Second, attributes always need both a name and value to work. You must first define the attribute of the element you want to change, and then define in what way you want to modify that attribute. Without a name or value an attribute will not do anything.

Third, all values must be enclosed in quotes. It does not matter if you use single quotes ('value') or double quotes ("value"), unless there are quotes in the value. For example, to define the name attribute as Swanky, you are free to use single or double quotes. However, to define the name attribute as Heather "Swanky" Swank, you must use single quotes because there are already double quotes in the value.

The Anchor Element and the HREF Attribute

One element that uses attributes is anchor, the link element. The tag for anchor is <a>. There are three main attributes you will use with this element- href, target, and name.

HREF is used to define your destination. You will use this attribute in nearly every single anchor element you create. HREF is where you type the address you are trying to link to. Let's walk through a very simple anchor element using the HREF attribute:

For this example, we will link to my blog: tales-of-swanky.blogspot.com

1. Begin your element with the opening tag with appropriate designation, but do not close the tag: <a
2. Next, add your attribute name: <a href=
3. Define the attribute value, the address to link to- do not add the ending / to any link when defining an attribute value- and close the tag: <a href="http://tales-of-swanky.blogspot.com">
4. Add the text you wish to be displayed as a link: <a href="http://tales-of-swanky.blogspot.com">Tales.of.Swanky
5. Close the element with the appropriate ending tag: <a href="http://tales-of-swanky.blogspot.com">Tales.of.Swanky</a>

If you've completed all the steps correctly, your links should display as follows:

Tales.of.Swanky

If your link does not work properly, go over the steps again and make sure you did not miss any of the aspects of you element. Pay close attention to the spelling of your address, and make certain that you have both added the http:// before the address and removed any forward slashes (/) that may appear at the end of your address. The forward slash at the end of an address will prevent your link from working as it confuses the HTML, so always be sure that you have removed it.

The Target Attribute

Now, you will notice, if you click on that link, that it redirects this page whereas most of my links open in a new window or tab, depending on your web browser. This is because there is no target attribute defined in the above example.

The target attribute is used to define where your link will open- the same window/tab or a new window/tab. If you do not include the target attribute the default setting of "same window/tab" will be used. To change this, you will have to add the target attribute and define the value as "_blank". This tells HTML to open the link in a blank window/tab. Let's add the target attribute to the previous example.

1. First, open your element: <a
2. Next, add your href attribute: <a href="http://tales-of-swanky.blogspot.com"
3. Add your next attribute name: <a href="http://tales-of-swanky.blogspot.com" target=
4. Define your attribute value and close the tag: <a href="http://tales-of-swanky.blogspot.com" target="_blank">
5. Define your hyper-link text: <a href="http://tales-of-swanky.blogspot.com" target="_blank">Tales.of.Swanky
6. Close the element with the appropriate ending tag: <a href="http://tales-of-swanky.blogspot.com" target="_blank">Tales.of.Swanky</a>

You're link should now display as follows, and open in a new window/tab:

Tales.of.Swanky

If you are having problems, make sure that you have the quotations around all of your attribute values, check your address, and check that you have added the underscore (_) at the beginning of your target attribute value.

The Name Attribute

The last attribute you will use with the anchor element is name. The name attribute, when used with anchor creates a *gasp* Named Anchor, which allows you to link to a specific section of a page, rather than to the beginning of the page. You can see examples of this in use at the very beginning of this entry with the table of contents. If you missed them, click here to see them again.

Yes, that was another example. Named Anchors are most usefully when creating tables of contents at the beginning of large pages. I do not use this attribute often, to be honest, though it is very handy to have in your repertoire. It makes organizing and navigating your page a breeze. However, it does make your anchor elements a bit more involved.

When using named anchors you will not only define the hyper-text (as we did above) but you will define the target-text as well. As with most of HTML, this is not as difficult as it sounds.

First, you should decide where you want your named anchors to appear and where you want them to link to- this is defining your target-text. For our examples, I will walk you through creating the Table of Contents at the beginning of this lesson.

There are four logical places to create 'chapters' to this lessons: the introduction of attributes and the three examples of attributes using the anchor element.

The first thing you have to do when creating named anchors is define your values and select your target-text. This part of the process will happen in your page or entry. You will write up your actual table of contents later.

1. First, open your anchor element: <a


2. Next, add your name attribute: <a name=


3. Add what ever text you wish, but remember what you use where, and close the tag: <a name="intro">


4. Next, type to text you wish to link to: <a name="intro">HTML Lesson #2


5. Lastly, close the tag: <a name="intro">HTML Lesson #2</a>

If you have defined the value correctly, the text will not display any differently.

Repeat this process for each occurrence of text on the page you want to link to. Remember to make note of what name you gave to each section of text. Through out my entry, I used "HTML Lesson #2", "The Anchor Element and the HREF Attribute", "The Target Attribute", and "The Name Attribute", defining them as "intro", "href", "target", and "name" respectively.

The second step in creating named anchors is to create the hyper-text links, or your table of contents. If you are linking from with in the same page, such as from one part of this entry to another, your addresses will be much simpler, but you can link to a certain section of a different page, as well. For the following examples, we will be linking to a section of the same page.

1. First, go to where you want to insert your links, or table of contents.


2. Open your anchor element: <a


3. Add your href attribute to create the link: <a href=


4. Add the value you defined for the first link, proceeded by a number sign (#) and close the tag: <a href="#intro">


5. Add the text you want to use as your actual link: <a name="#intro">HTML Lesson #2


6. Close the element with the appropriate tag: <a name="#intro">HTML Lesson #2</a>

If you have created your link correctly it should display like any other link. Repeat this process for each named anchor you have created. Remember to change the value for each link and do not forget to add the number sign to each value. Adding the number sign is what distinguishes the target-text from the actual link, or hyper-text. Using the name attribute with out the number sign defines where to link to- the target-text. Using the name attribute with the number sign defines the text to be used as a link- the hyper-text.

If you have created your table of contents correctly, the HTML code should look like this:

<a href="#intro">HTML Lesson #2</a>
<a href="#href">The Anchor Element and the HREF Attribute</a>
<a href="#target">The Target Attribute</a>
<a href="#name">The Name Attribute</a>

And display and function like this:

HTML Lesson #2
The Anchor Element and the HREF Attribute
The Target Attribute
The Name Attribute

Now, if you were attempting to link to a named anchor on a different page you had written, the actual address in the above example would be a little different. You would have to add the full address of the page the named anchor is on before the number sign in your link address. For an example, I have added a named anchor to the line "First, let me give you a basic understand of what HTML is and how it is used:" from my first HTML lesson that I will now show you how to link to from this lesson. I have already used this same named anchor in this entry, which you can see at the end of this paragraph.

First, you must either have already defined the target-text on your other page or go back and do so now. Again, just follow the steps here to do this.

Next you must create your hyper-text. We will follow the same process as before, with two alterations- adding the address of the external page to our href attribute value, and adding the target attribute. I always suggest using the target attribute when linking to an external page. I know I hate it when I click on a link and it doesn't open in a new tab because I loose what ever I was looking a to begin with. Because of this, I like to make sure all my external links open to a new window/tab.

For this example, the address of the entry we will be linking to is tales-of-swanky.blogspot.com/2008/10/cultural-expansion-through-language.html, and the value name defined on that page is "lesson1".

1. First, go to where you want to insert your link.


2. Open your anchor element: <a


3. Add your href attribute to create the link: <a href=


4. Add the value you defined for the first link, proceeded by a number sign (#)and the address of the external page you are linking to: <a href="http://tales-of-swanky.blogspot.com/2008/10/cultural-expansion-through-language.html#lesson1"


5. Add the target attribute and value, and close the tag: <a href="http://tales-of-swanky.blogspot.com/2008/10/cultural-expansion-through-language.html#lesson1" target="_blank">


6. Add the text you want to use as your actual link: <a href="http://tales-of-swanky.blogspot.com/2008/10/cultural-expansion-through-language.html#lesson1" target="_blank">HTML Lesson #1


7. Close the element with the appropriate tag: <a href="http://tales-of-swanky.blogspot.com/2008/10/cultural-expansion-through-language.html#lesson1" target="_blank">HTML Lesson #1</a>

Remember to add the number sign and value to the end of your address. If your link is not working, go back and make sure that your values are the same on both pages. In this example, the code for the target-text in Lesson 1 should look like this:

<a name="lesson1">First, let me give you a basic understand of <b>what HTML is and how it is used</b>:</a>

And should display as normal text:

First, Let me give you a basic understand of what HTML is and how it is used:

While the hyper-text in this lesson looks like this:

<a href="http://tales-of-swanky.blogspot.com/2008/10/cultural-expansion-through-language.html#lesson1" target="_blank">HTML Lesson #1</a>

And displays and functions like this:

HTML Lesson 1

Well, that is all I have for you this week. I hope this wasn't too much for you to digest in one go. I want you to be ready when I give you tables, and this is the bes introduction of attributes that I could think of. Also, it is possibly the most useful. Links are a wonderful thing, and as you've seen, can do much more than you would have thought!

Next time, I'll give you one more set of examples using attributes, and there will even be some crossover with this lesson. Oh yes, we are getting fancy now. ^_^

And now I have to go to bed as it is WAY to late for good little Swankies to be awake. Getting up for work tomorrow is going to be so hard...
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So, Updating?

Not my strongest suit, apparently. Now, not updating when I said I would? That's I'm ridiculously good at. I'm going to skip over the apologies and excuses about time constraints and just get right to the entry.

So, I've decided to adopt a structure similar to Francine's (which you can see at her blog Stop the World... I wanna get on!). I'll do a little update about ME and then I'll throw in some more HTML because I know that's what you really want to see. Also, I've started learning Arabic and Japanese from the same coalition of websites that Francine and Tony are learning German and Russian from (respectively). You might see a bit about that in here as well.

So, an update. Well, since the last time I wrote a lot has happened actually. I went to an SGA con in New Jersey a couple of weekends ago. That was AMAZING. I cant even begin to tell you all about it, so how about some highlights:

1. Laura realized that her new TomTom, bought just for this trip, and her iPod had been stolen just before we were getting ready to leave. So we had to call the cops, file a report, and then stop at the mall so she could get a new TomTom. It worked out though, because we got Starbucks before heading out. Starbucks makes everything better.

2. We had backstage passes and as awesome as that was, we had been a bit upset because we were not going to be able to meet Gary Jones (Walter of SG-1) because we were heading into NYC at the only time he was doing anything. Luckily, we stopped by the convention before heading into the city and got a chance to go backstage and meet him. ^_^ He's much cuter in person.

3. The aforementioned trip into NYC was to see Equus. Yes, the one with Harry Potter running around nekkid. That was not the reason we were going to see it... at least, that was not the reason I was going to see it. Regardless, this point is about the seats. We were in the Broadhurst Theatre, ironically where Richard Griffiths made his last Broadway appearance in The History Boys (for which he won a Tony) and also the home of the 2002 revival of Into the Woods and the 2006 revival of Les Miserable (yes, I threw in those little details for Francine's sake). If you don't know the theatre, it's small, as most of the theatres in NYC are, and the floor seats have three sections with 20 seats to a row each: left stage (the 200 block), right stage (the 000 block) and center stage (the 100 block). Our seats? E9 and E10. Yup. Center stage, almost exactly, fifth row. I know. You're jealous. You should be.

4. Our showing of Equus featured a charity donation thingy at the end, through which Laura got herself a poster and me a playbill, both signed by the whole cast. Again, I laugh at your jealousy. I know have Richard Griffths' (AKA Vernon Dursley and AMAZING ACTOR No. 1), Daniel Raddcliffe's (AKA Harry Potter and Boy-Who-Signs-Half-Like-an-Adult-Half-Like-a-Six-Year-Old) and Kate Mulgrew's (AKA Cptn. Jayneway and The Amazing Never Changing Hair Woman!) autographs. It was a geeky bonanza. I even got to see them coming out of the theatre and being swallowed by fans before getting into their TAXIS. I love NYC.

5. I managed to get all the foods I have been dying for since I left except real Italian sausage. Do you know how disturbing it is to have to eat bratwurst seasoned like Italian sausage? Trust me, it's disturbing.

6. CHUCK. That is all I have to say about that.

7. Radek Zalenka talking about what plans he has for the rest of his career now that SGA is over: "I've got my eyes on Brad Pitt. *uproarious laughter from crowd* His career, not his ass, you perverts."

8. Talking about Nekkid Daniel Radcliffe with Jason Momoa. *headdesk*

9. Seeing Francine and Tony, dispite how sort the visit was, was one of the best moments.

10. Having Laura laugh at me because while Harry Potter was running (litterally) around nekkid and half hard not ten feet from me I kept going "Dear God, look at that LIGHTING. How the hell did they get the light in there?" David Hersey is now my GOD.

Ok, other than that weekend... I still have a job, my father does not. *sigh* Because of this, I have decided tha I am going to (a) cu down on how much I am doing for the HPA in preperation for (b) if my father does not have a job again by the time Laura leaves I will have to get a second one myself. I am not looking forward to this. But such is life.

I have been listening to Last.Fm almost non-stop while I am at work. I love this. I get to listen to all these bands I LOVE with out ever having to spend the money to buy them. Depeche Mode has been high on the list recently. And XTC. Also, Iggy Pop, Cat Stevens, Bob Dylan, Sweet, and The Dancing Blue Jeans.

In other music news: A few weeks ago I played "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" on my guitar and sang it at the same time. Sounded like CRAP, but I was on key and in time and that's all that matters. I also have finally managed to play a bar cord! YAY! I am getting better tat this playing guitar thing. I think, mostly, because when I don;t want to get online right after getting home from work because I know there is something waiting for me for the HPA, and I don't feel like getting right to the cooking, and I certainly don;t want to get on the phone AGAIN, I practice my guitar. It's been most nights that I am home for a few weeks now. It's cool that I just looked down the other day and was like "Holy crap, when did I start positioning my hand like that? Isn't that the RIGHT way to play?" ^_^

Alright, I think that's it.

Because this week's HTML is WAY LONG, I'll have to post another entry for it. Sorry.
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Cultural Expansion through Language...

So, everyone is learning a language these days. Seems to be the new cool thing to do. (Do you like I how I base what's considered 'cool' on Francine and Tony? Yeah, me too.) More than just learning a new language, Francine is spreading the knowledge in her blog, giving little lessons in German each week so we, her readers, can learn with her.

Now, I don't know a foreign language, and honestly, I don't have the time or energy to learn one at the moment. Maybe after the new year. Nonetheless, I want in on all the blogging fun. After a bit of thought, and remembering that I am an 'outside of the box' sort of person, I realized I just might have a language to share with you afer all; markup languages, specifically HTML and CSS.

Each week I am going to pick some elements of HTML to share with you all, based on what you ask for in comments, and teach you how to code them. this week, we'll start with basic text alteration such as bold, italics and underline. I'll also give you a basic understanding of the terms you will see most often in this process.




First, let me give you a basic understand of what HTML is and how it is used:

HTML stands for HyperText Markup Language. It is basically used to tell webpages and other documents how to display and what functionality to give to text. Most of what you see online is based off of HTML. As a matter of fact, this whole blog is based off of HTML.

HTML is the base language for several other processes and languages used in all things technical. Some examples are CCS (Cascading Style Sheets) which is used to create webpage layouts and the like, and Scripting Languages (such as JavaScript) which are used to tell a document how to run a program. These things can get very indepth and very confusing very quickly, so lets move on while we still can.

At it's most basic HTML is made up of Tags, These tags tell HTML how to display and what to do with the given text. A tag is usually made up of an opening <, a letter, word, or symbol to tell HTML what to do, and a closing >, in that order.

Tags make up elements, the smallest working part of HTML, just like the rest of the world. An elements is one complete code. Elements are made up of an opening tag, the text to be edited, and a closing tag. They usually look like this:

<b>bold</b>

A Quick run down of the parts of an element and Tags:
< tells HTML to read the following text as a code.
> tells HTML to stop reading the following text as a code.
text between the < and > tells HTML what changes to execute on the following text
adding a / before said text tells HTML to STOP executing changes.

There are such things as 'empty' tags and elements. These have no natural text- text to be edited. There are also elements with no ending tag. A good example of each is line break: <br>. Line break does just what it sounds like, inserts one line break into text. There is no text to be altered and as it only occurs once, there is no need for an ending code. You would use line break in place of hitting the enter key.

Now that you have a basic understanding of what we will be doing and WHY, lets get to some simple coding!

We'll start with text alteration codes. These are the most common and easiest elements to use in HTML. The are also the ones that make the biggest impressions on a webpage. If your layout looks great but your text is hard to read or understand it doesn't matter, right? Right.

The three most useful elements in HTML are bold, italics and underline. Let's start with Bold.

First create the opening tag: Start with a < to tell the webpage to start reading code. Then type 'b' which is the designation for 'bold' in HTML. Next, type > to tell the webpage to stop reading code.

Next, type the natural text you want to edit. In this example we will use 'Bold'.

Lastly, create your closing tag: add the closing element by typing < to tell the webpage to read code, / to tell the webpage to stop editing the text, 'b' to tell the webpage WHAT to stop, and > to tell the webpage to stop reading the text as code.

Your code should look like this:

<b>This text is bold.</b>

And display like this:

This text is bold.

Any text alteration element will work exactly the same way, and most of them have logical designaions. Here is a list of the most common text alterations and the code you will use for each:

Result/Display	Code/Designation
Bold	<b>Bold</b>
Italics	<i>Italics</i>
Underline	<u>Underline</u>
Strike	<strike>Strike</strike>
Superscript Text	<sup>Superscript</sup> Text
Subscript Text	<sub>Subscript</sub> Text
Big Text	<big>Big</big> Text
Small Text	<small>Small</small> Text
Teletype Text*	<tt>Teletype</tt> Text
*Teletype text is displayed with even letter spacing, like on a typewriter. It is also known as Typewriter Font. It is used mostly to distinguish certain words from a sentence. You have most likely seen it in a text book at some point.

Now, let say you want text this is both bold and italic: like this. To do this you will have to 'nest' your code. You fit one element within the other, like nesting dolls. It looks like this:

<b><i>This text is bold and italic.</i></b>

And displays like this:

This text is bold and italic

Notice how in the opening tags of the elements, bold is first and italic is second, while in the closing elements it is reversed. It does not matter which you use first, but HTML can get confused if you do not reverse the order of your tags when you close the elements. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen. Always remember to work from the text you want to edit out. If the closest tag to your text is <i> on one side, it should be the closest on the other as well. DO NOT do this:

<b><i>This text is bold and italic.</b></i>

It works, but with certain elements we will get to later HTML will not display properly. I do this all the time, and there have been so many cases where my page is not displaying properly and it takes me HOURS to find the problem. Spending four hours pouring over a code just to realize you need to flip two little letters is beyond annoying. Trust me. Don't do it.

There is no limit on how many elements you can use at once. If you want your text to use all of the codes I gave you today, have fun. The only problem you will have is trying to make the text both Superscript, Subscript and Teletype at once. That won't work because all three change the spacing and size of your text in unique ways. o_0

You now know how to edit your text using HTML. You even know how to nest your elements! I told you it was easy. ^_^

Now, what would you like to learn next week? I'm thinking either adding images and links (and images AS links) or changing font faces, text colors and text back ground colors. Which would you prefer?

Read More...

Fuck.

Shit. Shitty fuckity fuck shit. o_0

I has a dilemma.

So, here's the thing. There is this guy. This really friggen hot guy who has no right to be as smart as he is. This guy who is really little more than a boy at a ripe old 19 years old. This guy, who I keep telling myself "no, you can't flirt with him. He's 19 and you would never get to date him so just... don't." Because, I can't do the whole 'fuck buddy' thing anymore. I'm too... honestly, I'm too lonely for it at this point.

Anyway, I find out today that this guy has a crush on me. Which is bad. Because I know, I know that nothing is going to come of it and I know that I am going to want something to come of it. Which is a bad thing. Because no matter what anyone says, he's 19 and used to just fucking around, and I'm not.

So what do I do? Do I just say fuck it and go ahead with this where ever it might go, even though I know that one way or another I am going to end up hurt here, just for the experience of having a relationship of some sort? Or do I veto the idea now before I get in over my head, which I know is going to take no time at all?

Fuck. Read More...

Making up my mind...

SO much to post about! I've been sitting here for a good two hours, bouncing back and forth between topics that I want to discuss, and I haven't been able to pick one. I keep starting this entry and then being like "Wait, I didn't write about this or tha. I should do that." o_0

So, here's the thing, you're gonna get a very brief bit about it all. Ready? here we go...



1. I have a job, it is going well. I guess. I mean, I'm not panicking everyday like I feared, so that's a good thing right? I worry about taking too much time off though, even though i haven't really taken any time off that they weren't told about before I was hired. I have missed two days of work that was not planned. That's not too bad, right? I've been there for two months. I hope that's not bad... o_0 I also worry that I am doing things wrong, which makes me not want to do them at all. I have always been the type who would rather be viewed as lazy than WRONG. I am fighting it though. I have been forcing myself to do EVERYTHING I AM SUPPOSED TO, even if I am not sure I am doing it 100% correctly. And asking for as much help with those things as I can stomach. It's the hardest thing about working for me. That and the whole "omg, I don't actually like my co-workers," thing. They would avoid me if they knew ANYTHING about me, and that bothers me.

2. Cassie has been driving me nuts. I'm getting burned out and I'm trying to do everything I can to prevent it and she's just making it that much harder for me. Much like my brother, she just doesn't get it, because she doesn't function like me. Also, she's not been very considerate recently. Oh, she thinks she's being considerate, but she's really not. It's all very superficial, and we know how well I deal with that sort of thing...

3. I have actually been avoiding having a politacl discussion with my favorite person to talk to because I feel like an uninformed idiot right now. See previous entry to see why. Seriously, I know nothing and just couldn't keep up. I'm so used to having all this time to just look stuff up that I feel very uninformed now that I have other things I have to do with my time.

4. I have solidified plans to be in the CT area in Nov. Unfortunately, I won;t be able to visit with anyone while I am there. I am coming up for a convention in NJ, and I will be spend the half-day before and the fully day after with my mother, which leaves no time for anything else. o_0 Sorry. I have no idea when the next time I will be able to get up there is going to be, either.

5. I am going to a Stargate Convention in Nov. It will be awesome. We have back stage passes. Four of my favorite characters will be there. Well, not the characters themselves, obviously, since they aren't REAL, but the actors who play them. Did I mention that we have back stage passes? Yeah. This is gonna RULE. ^_^

6. It took me over a month to read a 400 page book. Sad, I know. But I HAVE NO TIME these days, and had only been reading during the week, my weekends being too full to do much more at home than sleep.

7. I am still voting for McCain as of right now. I could give you a full run-down of why I am voting for him but really, it boils down to "he's conservative on things I'm conservative on and liberal on most tings I am liberal on and those things that we don;t agree on are things he wants to keep in the state realm rather than the federal." Obama has too many 'socialist' views, which really boils down to "he wants more gov, that costs more money, says he's gonna cut taxes, but doesn't tell us how he's going to pay for these new services without more taxes." Also, I really don't like his health care plan. It's going to be very hard on small businesses. Have I mentioned that I work for a company that has 36 people in the whole thing? Yeah.

8. Russia makes me nervous. Iran has always made me nervous. The idea that the two of them might be working together just down right scares me. Not critically, but enough. Anbar excites me, Japan makes my cultural life, America depresses me, and England still feels like the mother country even after nearly 300 year of independence. Now you now how I feel about the global community.

9. This week has been fully of 'theological discussion'. I have loved it, though trying to get my father to see my point is tiring to say the least. Anyone else want to know how I feel about God and the idea that things happen for a reason? Seems to be what everyone wants to know from me right now. And, can I just say, I think it is hilarious that so many people have turned to me for religious reinforcement? Me. The NOT religious one. And I have been asked our times this week to make people feel more secure in their beliefs... why? Why not ask someone who is religious? Is it because they know I am not going to think the same as them, but that I will still help them form an argument for their own beliefs? I can't think of any other reason.

10. That's it. I'm done. Told you, very brief. I am gonna go take a shower, eat something , and get ready to go to my father's company party now.

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Things I need to know for my next entry

Exactly as the title says. This is a post for me more than you. Your's is next, I promise.



Where is the footage of protesting at the DNC? Fox, at least, covered protesting at the RNC, but I have seen nothing at the DNC. I have heard fleeting rumors of it though. So, where is the footage? Fox isn't gonna show it, obviously, being a Conservative channel. I shall have to check the liberal channels, I guess.

Don't take that to mean that I only watch Fox. To be honest, I haven't been watching anything recently, prefering to get my news in test form these days. But my dad watches Fox- and nothing but Fox which I think is a stupid move. I'm rather conservative myself, but there is no way in hell I would watch just Fox. You can't get a straight line out of them any more than you can out of MSNBC or CNN. You just THINK it's better because it's the only coservative station of that level, where as there are several liberal ones. Makes Fox look - to people like my dad- like the reporters willing to "get to the tough issues" and "tell you what the other side doesn't want you to know" and "tell it straight". They don't.

I also need to check out if anything even happened at the Independant Convention. I literally have not heard ANYTHING about it. I think I am going to have to dig a bit deeper on that account.

I also need to find videos and text transcripts of the speeches by the four candidates. That should be easy though. The RNC and DNC both have websites and would be stupid not to post the speeches in all formats. And I am sure that I can find something on YouTube for the Independents... I actually don't even know if they gave speeches at the INC...

I need to find approval ratings for all candidates, including the VP choices. In particular, I need to find reactions to VP choices. I need to know, in general, what each party thinks of the VP Choices.

I know there is a lot more that I need to know, but I can;t think of it right now.

Read More...

'New Something' Challenging?

First things first: I got up at a reasonable time THIS MORNING. Exciting, no? Yes, yes it is.

And what I have been doing all morning? Looking for inspiration for Something New Challenges. I think I am going to cut them back a bit when I restart them though. I do have a lot of things that I want to share with people but it's difficult to fulfill four or five categories each week. So, I've decided that I am only going to update the Something New to check out (i.e. websites, books, music, etc.) sections once a month, rather than trying to do it once a week. I will still post a Something New to do (e.g. the Fancy Hat Challenge, a New Food Challenge) each week, though.

I'm not sure when exactly the next Something New challenge will be up. I'm thinking of pushing it off until the first week of July (which is also the last week of June this month), even though I know I will have it ready well before that. Also, I'm starting the Challenges completely anew, so I may repeat myself a bit to start off with. Its just that I can't find the document I used to mark down what I had already put into a challenge and what I was planning on doing at a later date anymore. I will try not to repeat myself, but I have a horrible memory and with out that document I really doubt I'll be able to.

Well, that's all for now. I'll try to be back with another update soon. ^_^
~Swanky Read More...

I sort of hate blogger...

But that's ok, because it sort of hates me right back.

I am never going to get the layout I am trying to make finished...

This makes me very sad.

And very tired.

And very very frustrated.

I think I shall go back to bed.

Edit: 6/19/2008 6:40am Ok, so I figured out how to fix the layout. For both blogs I now have. Now, all I need to do is figure out how to get the hack to make the 'lj-cut' type entries work in both blogs. Works in one! Refuses to work in the other. o_0

Today, I am NOT going back to bed, damn it. I will figure this out, and then I will start adding things to my new blog. And working on another entry for this one. And possibly my stories. I might even sit down and finish Elliot for Francine! I intend to be productive today! Read More...

Handels, levers, and pommels.

So. Doorknobs.

I've been promising Francine that I will write this entry for a while now, but there have been a few road blocks for me. Not what, I am sure, you would think of as the 'normal' roadblocks to writing an entry about doorknobs- lack of inspiration, lack of passion for my topic, a staggering lack of depth or conflict to really sink my teeth into. What, I am sure you are wondering, am I supposed to write about, exactly? Weather to install a keyed entrance knob or a privacy knob on your bathroom door (I would suggest a privacy knob, btw)?

No, in all honesty, it isn’t a lack of anything that has kept this entry on the back burner. Rather, it is the shocking (physically as well as mentally, as you will see later) overabundance of topics that has left me stumped for so long. The sheer number of metaphors and analogies that can be drawn from the common doorknob alone is mind boggling, not to mention the unique position I hold as possibly the only person who ever had somewhat of a love affair with the doorknobs in my house as a child.

Yes, that's right, not only did I invent fears with the explicit purpose of self-behavior modification as a child, I also spent hours debating the relative benefits and downfalls of doorknobs. Hours.

I was very bored as a child.

However, this entry is not about my childhood quirks, at least, not primarily. It is about doorknobs. So, let us begin.



I have split this entry into several sections with the hope that it will be easier to digest in pieces rather than as a whole. I am told I often loose my readers, and while I do find it amusing when you call me and say little more than 'Huh?' I am trying to improve. I apologize that my phrasing has not changed much, if at all, but I have been writing this way for most of my life, and I have too much fun reading what I wrote and too little self-control to change it now. You will have to excuse me.

Now, onto the fun.

The Mandatory Educational Information

To fully appreciate the delicate intricacies of this entry, first you must understand a few things about doorknobs. Everyone knows what a doorknob is- well, at least everyone in a modernized English speaking country, I assume (for you Czech speaking readers I am talking about knoflík na dveřích, or dveřní klika, if you prefer)- but how many people actually understand how they work? Or even, exactly what one's options are in selecting a doorknob. On your next trip to your local hardware store, take a stroll through the "Locks and knobs" section. It's a long isle. Trust me.

Though, I do not suggest that you actually ask in-depth questions of the clerk about your doorknob choices. Not many people are "Dear lord, why do the crazies always find me"-glare-proof, as I am.

As with any new material, a solid understand of the origins and history of your topic is a required first step. And so, I present:

A Brief Overview of the Invention and Early Development of the Doorknob

Once upon a time (exact date unknown) someone (exact person(s) unknown) wanted to keep something (exact intruder unknown, but believed to most likely be large rodents or wife stealing bastards) out of his abode (exact building specifications unknown). Said person(s) installed some sort of 'door-stopping device' onto the outermost entryway to said abode. It was one small step for said person(s) (and an even smaller step for said wife stealing bastards) but one giant leap for person-kind.

Alright, that's not exactly true. It wasn't that big of a leap. We're not talking about fire or the wheel or slave trading here or anything- just a simple doorknob.

In all honesty, no one really knows the exact who, when, where or why of doorknobs. It is known that many early roman homes had doorknobs at least on the outer passageways. Richer homes were lucky enough to have them on the inside as well. Other forms of handles are seen even before the Bronze Age in regions such as the UK and Egypt. It's rather impressive, really.

It is also known that in 1878, Osbourn Dorsey, an African American inventor was issued the first patent for his 'door holding device'. Later in the 19th century Washington Martin (also African-American) was granted a patent for the modern lock. Today, the patents for the doorknob and adjustable latch assembly (the internal mechanism for a standard privacy knob) belong to Wen-Pin Wu.

The Modern Knob

Now that we know a bit (and I mean just a tiny little bit- this was one of the most uninformative 'history of the art' sections I believe I have ever written, but really, you try to look up info on the doorknob) about where our doorknobs came from, we need to understand where they stand now.

There are four types of doorknobs available in the modern market. I was surprised by this, as it seemed to me (after my lengthy visit to Lowe's "Locks and Knobs" Isle) that there ought to many, many more types than four. However, after a bit of careful consideration, I did manage to find appropriate categorization for all the doorknobs I found in one of these four many groups. The groups are separated by functionality alone. The "Dumby Knob", the "Passage Knob", the "Privacy Knob", and the "Keyed Entrance Knob". They are all rather self-explanatory if you ask me, but here's some quick definitions for you:

Dumby Knob: Not a functioning doorknob, used generally for aesthetics only, often used when two doors close into each other, and only one door is opened and closed regularly. Doors sporting these sorts of knobs rarely, if ever, close completely or evenly and have been used in numerous psychological studies of the reactions of persons with OCD in an uncontrollable world.

Passage Knob: Does not lock on either side of door, most often used in places such as closets. Unsolicited advice: if upon your first visit to a new potential partner's home you notice an overabundance of these knobs, leave while you still have a chance. It can be a depressing but 99.9% accurate indication of a person with NO BOUNDARIES and a tendency to cling at the most inappropriate of times. What sort of person doesn't want privacy knobs on the bathroom door?

Privacy Knob: Can be locked and unlocked only from the inside of the knob, convenient for bathrooms and bedrooms. Can be installed backwards on closet doors as set up for practical jokes or impromptu blind dates.

Keyed Entrance Knob: Can only be unlocked from the outside with a key, best when used on out-facing doors or primary entrances in sectioned building (office or apartment buildings). Unsolicited advice: if upon your first visit to a new potential partner's home you notice an overabundance of these knobs, leave while you still have a chance.

Construction of a Convenience

The actual assembly of a doorknob is not generally common knowledge. Not many people know why or how their doorknobs work, simply that they do, and that without them houses would be a lot less secure and easy to navigate. It's quite simple, really. There are six main parts to a standard doorknob: the inner knob, the mounting plate, the latch assembly, the latch, the cylinder, and the outer knob.

The inner and outer knobs are just what they sound like, the actual knobs themselves that can be found on either side of the door. The mounting plate is, of course, the piece that fastens the knob to the door. Dumby knobs usually consist only of these three parts, and even in many cases do not have both an inner and outer knob.

The latch assembly is the inner workings of the knob. It is a small series of gears, wheels and springs that connect the turning of the knob, or the depressing of a handle or some other motion, to the retraction of the latch. The latch is, amazingly, the post that locks the door into place. These two parts are found on all passage, privacy and keyed entrance knobs. The cylinder is only found on keyed entry doors, as it is the actual key hole.

The difference between the latch assemblies of a locking door and a passage door lies in a simple trip switch that slots into place when the knob is locked that disconnects the knob from the latch assembly. Once unlocked, the trip switch is either raised or moved aside, and the connection reestablished when the knob is turned again. This is why you cannot unlock a doorknob while the knob is turned; the trip switch becomes lodged between the first gear on the knob and the wheel in the latch assembly and cannot move out of the way to return functionality to the knob.

The Cultural Significance of the Doorknob

Doorknobs have their specific purposes, obviously, but that has never stopped humanity from adding to the list. Gaining a basic understanding of what a doorknob truly is, how it functions, where it is derived from, and how it is put to use, is all fine and dandy, but humanity can not stop there. We must find unconventional uses for conventional items. We must cram greater meaning into even the most shallow and mundane of words. We must twist things about until there is little-to-no trace of what they once were and then call ourselves linguistic, cultural and revolutionary geniuses for our unmatched ability to destroy the beauty of the spoken word and the simplicity of mechanics.

The Growth of a Word to a Metaphor

It never ceases to amaze me the lengths that human culture will go to use common words in new and inventive ways. Perhaps the most striking aspect of how humanity dissects its own languages lies in the fact that no word is safe. How often do you say the word 'doorknob'? Once a day? Once a week? I would dare to say that most people actually say the word doorknob less than once a month. And yet, it has still become the target of countless crimes against language.

The list of common metaphors that involve doorknobs is nearly never-ending. From "Licking frozen doorknobs" for lying on the spur of the moment, to the comparative metaphor of "Slicker than hot snot on a glass doorknob", from the sarcastic "clever as a doorknob", to the blatantly vulgar "polishing his doorknob", people have found countless ways to bastardize even this most commonplace of objects through supposedly clever turn of phrase. Here are a few of my favorite doorknob metaphors, in addition to the four above:

They make more turns than a doorknob. (moody/slutty)
They have the IQ of a doorknob. (dumb)
As dull as a doorknob. (boring/dumb)
All over it as a fist on a doorknob. (obsessed/stalking)
As useful as a door without a knob. (useless)
Dead as a doorknob. (dead)
Don't let the doorknob hit you in the ass on the way out. (incorrect phrasing of a saying meaning 'good riddance'- I love stupid people)

Doorknobs have also been used in more lengthy analogies, most often in connection to a door metaphor. For example, a rough translation from a Chinese proverb: "A teacher will show you the door, they will even turn the knob, but you must enter by yourself". Or the rather pessimistic additions to a common inspirational quote: "The door to happiness opens towards you... and there is no knob to pull." And the list continues once again, but rather than focusing on how often the doorknob is used in metaphors, I would like to focus on how often they are ignored.

The Darker Side of Doorknobs

You can learn just as much about a culture from studying what is missing from their metaphors as you can from dissecting what is there. The doorknob, for example, is continuously left out of door analogies. The author will make mention of the door, the lock, even the jam, before remembering to put in the all important knob. As illustrated in our last quote, what good does a door with no knob do for you anyway? Ralph Waldo Emerson sought to inspire the world with "Every wall is a door... and you have the key!" but what of those humans smart enough to think ahead? Having the key is a great advantage, but we're still going to need some way to open the door after it's been unlocked. Next time you stumble across a door metaphor, look for the knob. I'm afraid that the chances are that 99% of the time, that metaphor will have to remain closed to you.

What, exactly, does it say about humanity at large, that we would forget such a crucial element on such a regular basis? Are we such a disconnected culture that we cannot keep in mind all the aspects of our own metaphors? Have we grown so lazy that we can not be bothered to mark one of the most important fixtures in our homes?

The American populace has been marked as especially complacent, choosing to over look the small but crucial elements to our own lives, religions, government and social structures. The fact that we routinely take for advantage the fact that we have doorknobs speaks to that idea on some level. Granted, it is not the most telling of observations, still it does say something about those who can choose to forget something that provides a convenience we would loath to be without until we are forced to.

However, in this case, it is not only the sinister Americans that are guilty. Humanity's willingness to over look the little, consistent things is clearly illustrated through doorknobs. In a much broader analogy- one I am sure will be called ludicrous by at least one person after having posted this- doorknobs represent the general mindset of 'make it, break it, replace it'. The squeaky wheel may get the oil, but the loose doorknob is ignored until it breaks and then it is simply replaced with a shiny new one.

We, as a whole, strive to create the better, faster, more convenient, and then through lack of care and attention we destroy that which we created. The worst part is that rather than learning from our mistakes, we simply start the process over again; make, break, replace. This destructive pattern has bled through the minute and mostly harmless into nearly all aspects of human life.

Take the creation of the automobile and the current worries over global warming versus the current oil crisis. We create an element of comfort for ourselves, never thinking of the eventual impact on the world in which we live. We have suspected for years that car exhaust is extremely detrimental to the environment, and yet we did nothing to combat that issue because it wasn't convenient. Now, when it has become more expensive to run a car off these environment destroying fossil fuels, when we see right before our eyes the possibility of not having the convenience of simply looking the other way any longer, we begin our search for a replacement in earnest. Not for the greater good of our world, not to fix a mistake, simply to prevent having to give up a convenience we have come to rely on. Make, break, replace.

Yes, this mindset is exemplified well by something as simple as the doorknob. Mark my words, five hundred years from now, some brilliant Archeologist will stumble across a landfill brimming with doorknobs and marvel at the excess, wastefulness and self-centered nature of our society.

A Redeeming Moment

While it is true that doorknobs can easily be used to make harsh social commentary about human nature, it is also true that doorknobs can easily express a softer, more playful side of humanity. From intricate artistic knob designs, to silly childhood games, doorknobs bring to light a more whimsical side of man, if you know where to look.

First, Doorknobs. Not the object but the game. Most popular in Great Britian and parts of Australia, this game is only one of the many variations on the 'safety' theme, much like "Punch Buggies" or "Puddidle-Budinkle". When one child breaks wind, he or she must call out "Safety" before someone else calls out "Doorknobs". If they don’t make it in time the other children present can- and will- give them 'free beats' until they touch a doorknob. If someone seems to have called safety for no reason, they automatically get hit twice. It's just the principal of the matter really: you can't waste a perfectly good safety like that and expect to get away with it. And really, if it was that silent and that scentless, you should have just kept quiet.

This playful- and violent- association follows many children through adolescence and into adulthood with such things as the 'electric-shock-doorknob' prank. A similar, if more painful, idea is used in Home Alone when Kevin McAllister attaches a red hot iron to the inside of a metal doorknob to deter burglars, and again in Home Alone 2: Lost in NY, when Kevin connects a doorknob to a nail gun trigger. One of the most utilized symbols of the entire Home Alone Series is the M from the McAllister's monogrammed doorknob permanently burned into Harry's palm. It is just one example of how society has been able to express its lighter side through doorknobs.

Doorknob Art, In All It's Many Forms

Doorknobs are used again and again through movies and even plays to bring a greater completeness to a set. From the McAllister's monogrammed doorknob, to the animated 'butler'knob of Beauty and the Beast, the simple elegance of the doorknobs scattered through the house of The Others, to the complex rig attached to the doorknob in The Goonies, these everyday objects have been extrapolated upon in nearly every creative art available. With such things as Bob Henley's Wren on Doorknob print and the Perthshire doorknob paperweight available from Randall Antiques & Fine Art even doorknobs have been integrated into the human experience of art and creativity.

As a matter of fact, doorknobs themselves have become a popular base for artistic works. Many people, in many different countries throughout the world spend their lives designing and creating works of art from the common doorknob. With a little time and effort you can easily find groups such as the Doorknob Art Photo Share on Flicker, the Handle Guild for makers of fine door handles, and the "Antique Doorknob Collectors of America". And with a little time and effort, those groups will even find you! Architectural Classics, a blog that "brings original old lighting and door hardware out of the realms of Sunday visits to the auctions," left a comment on this blog, marveling at the fact that someone else in the world is blogging about doorknobs. Their most recent post, The Locomotive Knob, provides their readers with a beautiful picture of a train-stamped knob, and a little food for thought on modern design options. It's really a fun site.

However, it's not only online that you will find other doorknob-enthusiasts. The City Museum here in St. Louis recently had a Doorknob Exhibit, displaying some of the oldest, most artistic, or most unique doorknobs found through out the city. It was amazing to see just what exactly a creative mind can do with a simple doorknob. Here are a few of my favorite examples of "Doorknob Art":


Antique doorknobs at St. Louis City Museum

Masonic doorknob at City Museum

Libyan Doorknob

HandKnob

Escher's Glass Doorknob

Asland Doorknob at C. S. Lewis' childhood church

Doorknob designed by Klaus Voorman for George Harrison

Doorknob designed by Klaus Voorman for Ringo Star

A Personal Touch

Most people never even notice the doorknobs in their homes. I am not most people. I noticed. More than just noticing, I went through a period of about three months in which I spent a large amount of my time contemplating my doorknobs.

The doorknobs in my apartment were very traditional glass knobs from the Victorian age, original to the apartment. They were one of the few remaining original aspects of the building, other than the porcelain bathroom fixtures that never worked exactly right and rickety windows that never kept out the cold. They were cut to fit your hand, no matter how you placed it on the knob, and the interior created an intricate prism that would catch any available light, even on the darkest of nights. I was unable to find a picture that really did these beauties justice, but the following is basically what I am talking about:



I was always a strange child. Bookish and reserved, my mind constant swam through the abstract, pulling strands of disconnected thoughts into a semblance of order that would wrap about anyone else and pull them into the darkness of complete confusion. Alright, I admit, strange may be the right word for it. Scary might seem a bit more accurate. I had a tendency to spout off the most random of observations that would either have the adults around me boggling at the maturity of my mind, or boggling at the complete disconnect between a child's mind and reality. Other than that, I didn't speak much. As I said, bookish and reserved.

Never was I more reserved than when I was 11, however. I had just entered middle school, my stash of books was depleted, and my bus money non-existent. I got my first job that year, and because of the nature of it, I spent most of my 'off-time' reveling in the fact that I could simply keep to myself and think. Unfortunately, there wasn't mush available to think about.

Then I noticed the doorknobs.

They were rather startling at first. I had lived in this apartment for more than five years and I had never actually seen the doorknobs. I couldn't imagine how I had missed them. Even the slightest bit of light would catch and glint off them, bouncing through the middle before span out across the floor of wall in a prism of color. Each was unique, despite all having the same design. One was chipped on one side- I would compulsively turn this one until the chip was dead center on top. Eventually I had to take the knob off the door and turn it around so that it would stay in what I had deemed the correct position. One had a smear of caulk just under the curve of one of the flutes- this had to always be on the bottom, so as not to obstruct my view of the doorknob in all its glory. One rattled while another didn't move at all. All of them were entrancing.

How had I not noticed them before? Was it just that I had been that unobservant, that wrapped up in my own life and mind that I would miss such a treasure right in front of my face? Needless to say I didn't much like what that idea said about the type of person I must have been. And, never one to simply roll over an accept the negative, I decided to give myself a way out. I created a theory which would account for both my not noticing the knobs before and for the strange way they seemed to capture both light and my mind.

The theory stated that the doorknobs weren't actually there before- or at least, not these knobs. No, these knobs had been implanted, replacing the simple, ordinary knobs that used to grace our doors, by some evil force- an evil force intent on distracting those in the immediate area. They used the doorknobs to in trance my attention first, knowing that I would be the most observant person in my household and most likely to uncover any dastardly deeds going on about. Then they made other changes, adding the almost silver-shiny dust about the house that my mother absolutely could not simply overlook, speckling the walls with uneven spackle that my brother would attack with sandpaper and a vigor we hadn't seen from him in years.

They were trying to distract us from something, these strange evil beings with their evil doorknobs and dust, that much was obvious, but from what? Why, the inter-dimensional portal in my bathroom, of course. Yes, in the bathroom. Just between the sink and the mirror. How, you ask, did I discover this inter-dimensional portal in my bathroom? The Doorknobs (yes by this point they had acquired capital status).

If you lined up the doors in my house just right, at exactly 9:37am, during the month of March, the sun would come in through the East facing windows, bounce around each of the doorknobs to reach the other side of the house in a piercing stream of light. Just between the bathroom sink and mirror, in a spot that was ALWAYS dusty, and suspiciously devoid of spackle.

I watched that exact spot every morning for three months, intent that what ever demons may be on the other side of that potential dimensional rift stay properly on their side. Eventually, I gave up the pursuit and slapped a piece of duct tape over the spot and called it fixed. Duct tape fixes everything. Not to mention that duct tape is shiny and bounced the light back off the wall and into the doorknob and made the bathroom glow.

Even after saving the world with duct tape from evil doorknob demons when I was 11- beat that Batman- I didn’t loose my fascination with the doorknobs in my apartment. Rather, I focused more on the aesthetic beauty of them, marveling at how they looked in every light, and even with out any. I would color Saran Wrap with sharpies, pull it over a flashlight and see what colored light looked like against my blue walls both before and after passing through the doorknobs. I covered one of the knobs with clear acrylic primer and then painted it with water colors to make it look like stained glass. I pulled one knob from its base and shoved a small piece of colored paper between the glass and metal to make what looked to me like a snow globe with no glitter. I would switch the small glass handles from our cabinets with the passage knobs to see what a mini-doorknob would look like on a big door.

Eventually, my on going love affair with the doorknobs abated, though never completely. For a short while I developed a fear of doorknobs a kin to A Series of Unfortunate Events' Aunt Josephine's paranoia. I was convinced that if the sun were allowed to shine on a doorknob too long it would shatter and I would be permanently disfigured from the flying pieces of melted glass. And even though I was older, understood that my own theories were often nothing more than the ramblings of an over active imagine and an over educated and slightly warped mind, when we moved, I took booth doorknobs off the bathroom doors, just to be on the safe side.

I still have them somewhere, in with the rest of my things from my childhood. They were the only knobs in the apartment that I had not altered in some way. Last time I saw them, I was still awed by their simple beauty.

And part of my mind was still struck by the great dangers and evils they could be hiding.

---

How's that for a Doorknob entry? I think I covered everything: history, mechanics, literary use, social commentary, cultural importance, and personal views.

Who knew there was so much to a doorknob?

I did.
Read More...

Ten random thoughts...

1. Despite the fact that I was completely useless at Wrockstock, I still learned something from it.

2. Fowl Words should be illegal due to it's addictive nature.

3. Door knobs, while preforming a very necessary function in life, are not particularly inspiring.

4. I will never learn how to spell necessary correctly.

5. Life really sucks when you don't even have enough money for food and smokes. Friday cannot get here soon enough.

6. It is impossible to get a job without having to spend at least some money before your first paycheck.

7. People who are too blind to learn from their own mistakes, and the mistakes of others, should be sterilized.

8. My blue pajama bottoms and light blue teeshirt are the closest thing to heaven that I will ever see.

9. I don't actually like most Wrock. I listen to it because it's what I have and I don't have the space on my computer to put the rest of my music on. The concerts, on the other hand, are mucho fun, when you are not incapacitated by anxiety

10. My fondness for snark is a bad thing, as it seems most men have confused 'snarking' with 'foreplay', or, at the least, believe that I veiw the two as interchangeable. I do not know how that happened.

And an extra for good luck:

11. I have a tendency- granted, a very well controlled tendency, but it is still there- to do very very stupid things when stressed out. There are not many things I can point to, but I have noticed that when my stress levels get out of control, I do these things that I have no reason to do, that I don't really want to do, that at any other time I would even think of as stupid mistakes made by less self-aware people. After I do these things, I sit back and go "Why the hell did I do that? Seriously now, I am smarter than that." I also try to think of everything leading up to the idiocy so that I can notice the signs of it and prevent it next time. But, it's still there.

Also, I never let any of those stupid things go. I beat myself up about them when I have nothing else to think about. Which is most of my time not spent reading fanfic. And recent, much of my time spent reading fanfic as well. Read More...

My will power sucks...

So, I had a terrible weekend. Seriously, if I had to rate this past weekend compaired to other horrible days/weeks/months/whatever in my life I would have to say that it's most likely THE WORST weekend of my life... possibly the second worst. I'm still not sure.

So, the weekend started with a three hour drive in which Cassie and Pat snarked at each other the whole time. And that that adorable fannon!Snape "affection and humor behind a mask of malice" sort of snarking, but the cannon!Snape "true malice vaguely hiddne behind a transparent wall of humor" sort of snarking. The whole time I kept thinking "I don't want to be here. I want to go home. Is it over yet?" And that didn't change after we actually GOT to the lodge either.

Then, about 18 hours or so after we got there, I had a massive panic attack in front of 300 people. Yeah. that was fun. It lasted a good 45 minutes all told, and to be honest, it didn't go away, just died down enough that I could function again. I actually cried. I couldn't stand for god's sake. It was bad. And then I felt horrible for making Cassie and Pat's weekend even worse and for being even less helpful to Paul and Steph than I was to begin with.

And then the worst part was that the next day everyone I knew (which was a lot of people) kept giving me these nervous pitying looks. And all I could see all weekend were my friend crammed into the front row having a blast and I couldn't go join them because I had to work. And there were SO MANY people there. Have you ever felt utterly alone in a room full of people? Well, I was feeling utterly alone at a concert for my favorites bands with 300 other people around. It sucked.

I ended up having to leave just after the very last set started because I could feel the anxiety building back up to unmanageable levels I almost cried again. And my right hand and leg would not stop shaking no matter what I did and... god, it was like a 24 hour panic attack and I couldn't deal. So I left to call my father at 11:30 on Sunday night to go home. We finally got back around 4am and I have been completely wiped ever since.

I should call the places that I filled out applications at before I left. I should work more on the programing course. I should call Abby and Paul and apologize for leaving early and not staying to help clean up and all. I couldn't deal with the building anymore and I just... left and didn't come back. I should be doing SOMETHING today, but all I want to do is read some fanfic and go back to bed. I've been trying not to do that because I know it's a bad thing, but...

You know what I really want? I really want someone to cuddle with. I got home and just crawled into bed and wrapped myself around my tigger and went to sleep. And then Cassie called me to tell me about how much fun she had at the party on Sunday night and who hooked up with who and all I could think was how pissed I was that I didn't stay. I mean, what would have really been the difference between going home at 2am on Sunday night or going home at 2pm on Monday? But I just... to be honest, I just couldn't face the ride home with them. They were really helpful with the whole panic attack, Cassie and Pat both, but... I felt so bad about it and I just didn't want to have to sit there for three hours with the driving need to apologize for something I really couldn't control. And the party wouldn't have been that awesome for me. I would have just sat there and watched all my friends have fun... again.

So, yeah, I really just want a hug. A sleeping hug, even. I want to go back to bed and not have to be alone. But since that's not an option, I just want to back to bed. I'm trying not to, but really, it's a losing battle. And god, my legs and back and neck and chest all hurt SO MUCH. Luckily, my stomach stopped hurting not long after my father got there to get me. And the lightheadedness dissipated soon after I got home. But I still feel like shit, inside and out.

And really, how the hell am I supposed to have a job? I can't have panic attacks out of no where at work. I'll get fired! Oi vai. *sigh* Ok. I really don't want to think about it any more, so yeah, I'm going to go take a nap.

Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY JADE! I hope you enjoyed it, even if you didn't really do anything. I fully intended to call you and sing happy birthday but, well, nothing really went the way I intended it to this weekend. Still, I hope it was enjoyable for you! *glomp!* ^_- Read More...

Things that occur to you when you least expect them...

I think I know where my insomnia comes from. Well, that isn't exactly right. I think I know where my desire to sleep all day and stay up all night comes from. The days/nights where I don't sleep at all are a completely different thing. Either way, I think I have that one figured out, but I don't know exactly how to articulate it.

I woke up this morning and forced myself to actually get out of the bed- usually I would just roll over and go back to sleep until around 4 or 5 in the afternoon. I sleep on average about 8-10 hours at a time, but it's between 5am and 5pm. Some days I don't get to bed until 9 or ten in the morning and I don't wake up until close to 8pm. The reason I forced myself to get up this morning- and haven't let myself go back to bed despite how much I want to- is because as I was going to bed this morning at around 3am, I realized how odd, almost disconcerting, it was to be going to bed while it was still dark out. I understand that that is a bad thing and so, when I woke up this morning, I got out of the bed, hoping that I could stay up all day and actually start living on a normal person's schedule.

Which, really, is the crux of this issue: I don;t have a 'normal person's life' and trying to maintain a normal person's schedule only highlights that fact.

I have been sitting here all day battling a strange sense of restlessness that I never have. Ever. I am not a very restless person. I spend most of my time alone, inside, sitting still even, and it rarely if ever bothers me. Today, not so much. Today I keep looking at the clock and marveling that it has only been 15 minutes since the last time I looked. I keep hearing the cars outside, the ring of a phone in someone else's apartment, a far off radio somewhere else in the complex, and thinking that I ought to be doing something. I'm reading fanfiction and all I can think is 'Why are you still persisting in wasting all your time like this? Shouldn't you be doing something? Something usefull?' But I can't think of what that something is.

And that's when I realized. I hide from everything by staying up all night. There are things that I should be doing that I don't do- working, going to school, cleaning, eating, exercising, cleaning, living- and those are all things that ought to be done during the day by societal standards. I look at the clock at 1pm and think that I should have just eaten lunch. At 5 I think that I should have just gotten out of work. By 7 I'm thinking that I should be just finishing dinner. But I'm not. And that bothers me more than I can say.

You know how so many people complain about how no one ever believed in them? How so many people have no drive because they were never told they could do anything? I wonder about the reverse of that. What happens when someone is held as the 'last hope' for their whole lives? What of those people who are raised to believe that there is nothing they can't do? Raised to believe that they were in fact above the curve, better equipped to face live and succeed.

General opinion would say that those people grow up to be better adjusted, have a leg up, be more driven, etc. Right?

That's my problem. I am one of those people. I was told my whole life that I was better, that I could do anything I wanted, that I would be so much greater than where I started someday.

But they were wrong. I'm not any better prepared to face life than anyone else. Yes, I'm smarter than most of the people in my family. I learned faster in school than most of the people I grew up with, most of the people in my life in general, and in many ways, I am still ahead of the curve in my life. I can name on one hand the number of people in my life now that I would consider to be as 'intelligent' as I am. But it doesn't matter, because when you add in all my other failings, I'm much, much worse off than most people I know.

I have no motivation. I have no will power. And that is what bothers me most.

Do you know how frustrating it is to know that if you just tried and kept trying you could do anything? That all of your failings are not because of a lack of intelligence, bad situations, or any other outside force. That everything that you have ever failed at you could have excelled at. That you didn't fail not because of some unchangeable force but because of a lack of strength and drive to change what needs to be changed?

People have told me that I am strong. That I have lived through so much and they are surprised at how far I have come. That I am wise and understanding and strong- always strong- and perhaps they are right, but that just makes it so much worse.

I don't know exactly how to explain it, but... I am very disappointed in myself. I am always disappointed in myself, and I am not strong enough to fight that.

So, which is worse? Having no expectations set forth for you or having such high expectations that you spend your whole life striving for them and never do? Is it better to drown in the feeling that you are not good enough and view your dreams as unattainable or to drown in the feeling that no matter what you do, it is never enough. With the first, if you are strong enough to fight for what you want, and you eventually achieve it, aren't you done? In the latter, there is always something else that you should have done. It never ends.

But I suppose, with both, you spend most of your life feeling disgusted with yourself, so what does it really matter? Read More...

I went to bed at around 11:30pm tonight, and I was so very very tired and I was going to SLEEP, and it was going to be perfection because, yeah, sleep has been a short visitor in the house of Swanky as of late. I was ready to welcome him home with open arms, two blankets and nice, clean, fresh sheets, a fluffy pillow and a whole twelve hours to enjoy his company. It was going to be wonderful when I woke up in the morning I was actually NOT GOING TO BE TIRED ANYMORE.

At midnight, my phone rang just as I was really starting to fall asleep. It was Cassie, and I felt like I really should answer. There are only a few people I would have taken the effort for, people that I know either wouldn't call that late unless it was an emergency or have been having a lot of issues recently. Cassie is one of those people. So I answered, and lit a smoke, and talked to Cassie for TWO HOURS, and now, now I can't sleep.

I tried, I did. I really, really did, because I'm so tired and I want to be able to sleep at night time and see the sun again and did I mention how tired I am? But, that's the problem: I'm too tired to sleep. I laid in bed for two hours, trying every trick I know to make myself fall asleep, but every time I close my eyes the world starts to spin or pulse or tilt from side to side and I have to open them again of I'll be ill.

And I was so looking forward to a day. You know, where there's sun and blue sky and, hell, at this point I's take torrential down pours if I could just say that I managed to see what my new porch looks like before dark. And it was going to be such a nice day tomorrow. Cool and crisp but still warm enough to mull about outside with little more than a sweatshirt, no rain, not even clouds really, and I was going to fucking enjoy it. Maybe read a book on my new porch, convince my father to let me take 10 bucks to Bread Co for some food that isn't fried and bland and, be still my beating heart, I could eat at lunchtime. See what my niffty new arm warms look like in the sunlight, visit with the friendly cat from somewhere in the neighborhood again. Anything, ANYTHING to get me out of this god forsaken apartment and out and about in the land of the living- while the living are in fact awake and... living...

Damn. It. All. Read More...

Can sleep deprivation break your nose?

I'm beginning to believe that (a) my sleeping pattern will never return to something even resembling normalcy and (b) I have a broken nose.

I slept for a total of 13 hours yesterday, forcing myself to stay in bed until at least a reasonably decent hour. I got up at about 3am when I couldn't stay in bed anymore and I have been up since, going beck to bed every few hours to see if I could get back to sleep. (I just typed "back to school" rather than "back to sleep". My brain is obviously fried.) I haven't been able to get back to sleep, but I think that when I go back to bed again after I type this up I just might be able to. I need to get back to sleeping at night and living during the day, but I really don't know what else to do. o_0

My nose hurts. Like, really really hurts. I've been getting nose bleeds for the past couple of days, most likely to do with the freakish way that it can pour until the entrance to my building, at the top of a hill, is flooded and still manage to have air as dry as the Sahara. I think I spelled that wrong... Anyway, it's gotten to the point where having my glasses perched on my nose is causing me pain. When I lay down, I have to arrange myself so that my nose is neither leaning to the left or right, and that gravity is not pulling on it too hard. I'm not even joking. My brother tossed a towel at me earlier, and it barely grazed my nose but it brought tears to my eyes. There's no bruises or anything, but god it hurts. I can't have a broken nose, right? There would be bruising, or swelling, or something right? It would require some sort of contact to cause the break, right? Don't your eyes go black when you break your nose? See, none of that. Just... really fucking hurts and won't stop bleeding. Not bleeding bad, just enough to make me sniffle every few minutes, but still. This isn't looking good.

My minutes reset today, so people can call me again if they want. I'm going to go to bed, arrange myself so that my nose doesn't kill me, and try to get another hour and a half or so of sleep, but after that, feel free to give me a ring.

Random side note: I've been listening to podfics recently (fanfiction read aloud which is really popular in the Stargate: Atlantis fandom right now) and one of the readers should do this for money. I swear to god, she's got a better audio-book voice than the guy who reads the Harry Potter books. She rules. There's a different reader who should have her mouth stapled shut, though, so I guess the world keeps it's balance...

Also, I love John Sheppard. I also love Rodney McKay. I really love the both of them together. And Carson is funny.


Ronon is hot- had no reason for that, he's not been in any of the fics I've been listening to, just thought it needed to be said. Read More...